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3 Ways To Shift Your Dating Mindset

Illa Lynn June 2022 1

Midlife & Beyond Dating: Illa Lynn

These days, singles are experiencing a great deal of anxiety when it comes to dating. 

For instance, dating apps have made it possible to connect with lonely hearts in just a few clicks, right from your couch. It can be flattering when people “slip into your DMs,” but it can also feel overwhelming. When you go on dates and do not connect, or get ghosted repeatedly, you may start to wonder, “Am I even loveable and worthy?” You may become engulfed with self-loathing and despair.

“Leveraging this to your benefit is easy when you can adopt the right Dating Mindset and Strategy.”

Does any of this resonate? 

While the dating platform has shifted over the years, it has also given you a much bigger opportunity to meet people you wouldn’t otherwise meet. Leveraging this to your benefit is easy when you can adopt the right dating mindset and strategy.

3 Mindset Shifts:

Here are three mindset shifts to make this dating game worth your while.

1.) Get Very Clear On What It Is You Are Looking For:

If you don’t know what kind of relationship you want, you may be tempted to simply follow the flow and rely on chemistry. In other words, this path will leave you depleted, discouraged, and questioning your worth. Especially if you get caught in the paradox of choice.

Having a clear idea of what you want makes it easier to navigate this process with less overwhelm and more precision. I recommend not to date more than three people at a time, and not text more than a week before, a phone call and connecting in IRL (In Real Life).

“Boundaries are set to preserve a relationship and enable us to love people from a distance.”

5 Questions To Help You Get Clear On What You Want:

Ask yourself these five questions to help you get clear on what you want: 

  1. What are three must-have traits I want in a partner?
  2. Do I want a committed relationship?
  3. How often do I want to see him in a week? 
  4. How many dates will we go on, before we kiss or are intimate?
  5. Do I want a travel partner or a homebody?


2.) Set Clear Boundaries And Expectations Early On:

Women often find this one difficult. This is because we were not taught boundaries growing up. In contrast, girls are encouraged to stay quiet, be kind, and not rock the boat.

Boundaries are often seen as something that puts limits on relationships. I happen to believe the opposite true. Boundaries are set to preserve a relationship and enable us to love people from a distance. 

“Setting a boundary will ensure that you hold yourself in high regard and lead with integrity and class.”

Exercised Boundaries:

As it applies to dating and romance, setting a boundary will ensure that you hold yourself in high regard and lead with integrity and class.

In addition, if you never exercised boundaries in your relationships you may ask “How do I know what my boundaries are?” Simple~ 

Listen to your feelings. If someone does something that does not sit well with you, that is your boundary being crossed. For instance, pay attention to those moments and make a mental note to add to your boundary list. 

Some of the boundaries may be as follows:

  • Am I open to a long-distance relationship? If the answer is No, you know not to be involved with anyone fitting that description. (Boundary #1)
  • Would I date someone who is going through a divorce? Once again, you determine this for yourself. Yes or No! (Boundary #2)
  • Do I want someone who is Spiritual or Religious? (Boundary #3)

Dating Mindset:

You can pre-qualify potential partners by setting clear boundaries early on in dating. This allows you to determine if he embodies the qualities you value, i.e. respect, understanding, and accountability. How someone reacts to your boundaries can tell you a lot about what kind of partner they would be.

“Keep in mind that what you are seeking is also seeking you.”

3.) Avoid Scarcity Mindset

If you are saying “I will not find anyone, because all good guys are already taken?” you are operating from the scarcity mindset. 

Don’t perpetuate this false narrative. However, right now, there are billions of singles looking for love. Keep in mind that what you are seeking is also seeking you. Yet when you are too busy focusing on what you don’t have, you might miss out on someone great right in front of you.

Be Open-Minded:

Get into the habit of telling yourself that there are plenty of good men out there. Your guy is out there among them. In conclusion, be open-minded and meet people in new places. Try a new hobby, or a class. Entice your taste buds by trying out a new restaurant. Or, join a non-profit organization as a volunteer. 

Above all, finding your ideal match doesn’t necessarily require you to use dating apps. He might be the guy who gets coffee from your local coffee shop, drops off his dry cleaning at the same cleaner, or shops for produce in the same market. The opportunities to meet new people are endless.

Moreover, as you take initiative to make these mindset shifts, your reality will begin to shift as well opening up a whole new world to explore. 

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About the Author:

Illa Lynn is a former corporate health care leader turned Life Coach who specializes in Relationship Coaching for women. In addition to her ten years of academic and professional training, she specializes in dating after 40. Specifically dating after divorce, or toxic love. Using her psychology background and intuitive nature, Illa helps women open up to love again. In three steps, Illa guides women to create lasting, authentic relationships founded on transparency, respect, and trust. Follow Illa on LinkedIN for more tips and tricks on dating.