5 Ways To Become Your Own Lover

Midlife Pleasure: Ania Grimone

It isn’t easy. In the true spirit of efficiency, nature doesn’t waste resources just hanging out hoping that someday, maybe, on a remote chance, we will pass by and avail ourselves.

“Managing the relentless demands of everyday life and keeping our sh-t together.”

Sensuality And Sex:

 Nope. She will close up shop and go where her resources are needed. For most of us, it is supporting the constant state of stress and hypervigilance. Managing the relentless demands of everyday life and keeping our sh-t together.

It is enough we frequently need to prove that we are capable, smart, lovable, acceptable, worthy, and deserving, but when it comes to sensuality and sex, we spend our lives bewildered. We navigate the constant barrage of conflicting messages. Madonna or a whore? Slut, or an ice queen? Mother or lover?

Moreover, in a sex-negative culture, female pleasure anatomy doesn’t even make an appearance in the modern medical textbooks. The model of sexuality is solely reflective of the male experience, and women are judged for being wrong when they experience their bodies differently. 

Life Experiences:

The blueprint of porn or Hollywood sap, gives us ideals that are as close to the actual experience as I am to an elephant, but in absence of conversation we feel broken, and tragically we give up.

We accept the “life sentences” of “I am not this kind of woman”, “pleasure is not that important”, “there is no sex after 50”, “I take too long”, “it is too much work”, or my favorite (and to be clear, I am being totally facetious), “sex is not for me, I don’t have a partner” etc. 

“Literally and figuratively. Love yourself as you desire to be loved”

My beloved sister, if any of your life experiences, and messages you have received turned you away from, or against your own body, I am sorry. I feel you. AND it is time to repair this relationship. 

Imagine that you have never seen a sunset. And then, there are 100 people who tell you about. Some like it, some don’t. Some use flowery language, others hate the colors. It is so much input about the sunset, yet without seeing it for yourself, you don’t know what it’s like. 

Become Your Own Lover:

This is similar to our lived-in experience of our own bodies. Conditioned, judged, criticized, trained, and often brainwashed from the time before we knew better, we live in the bodies we hardly know at all. Except through the lenses of others. 

So how do you begin to repair, or maybe create for the first time a loving and healthy relationship with your own body? 

Become your own lover. 

Literally and figuratively. Love yourself as you desire to be loved:

1.) Give Your Body Some Mindful Presence:

Feel the sensations arising from Her. What are you feeling and where are you feeling it? This simple exercise tunes you into Her language. As you become aware of sensations, welcome all of them. No changing. No fixing. And, no judging. This is your body’s experience. Your experience. Honor and validate it. This is a new concept for many women.

2.) Practice Consent:

Before making decisions, feel into your body for a Yes, Maybe, or No response. HONOR it. Do that before you agree to a project, put an item of food into your cart, (or your mouth), or agree to have sex (solo or with partner – both require consent). This practice will change your life on its own. We are so used to over-riding our own impulses, that we don’t even notice when we violate our own safety. But when we listen to our bodies, we start to feel safe, and the layers of numbness begin to lift.

“Notice that healing needs to happen, and reach for help.”

3.) Touch Your Body:

Consensual touch is the most powerful thing to connect, and to regulate your nervous system. Start gently. Seek what feels good, explore, take your time, don’t get fixated on an orgasm or any goal, just give your body pleasure. As little or as much as she desires. Become like an eager new lover for whom your pleasure is the most important thing in the world.

You may soften under your own caress, but you may also tap into old wounds. There is a reason why we are disconnected, and trauma lives in the body. If that happens, practice number one above. Hold the sensations with presence, love, honor, and compassion. Notice that healing needs to happen, and reach for help.

4.) Look Yourself In The Eye In The Mirror And Affirm What Is Wonderful About You:

No, this is not affirmation against what you believe to be true. This is focusing, recognizing and acknowledging with full presence, what you may often skip over in favor of faults. Give your body recognition for what she does for you, the things you appreciate about Her. We all need that. Your body is no different.

5.) Involve Your Body Consciously In Your Day:

Schedule breaks from sitting, drink water, feed her good food, go to sleep on time. Step out of the unconscious routine and do these things as an act of honoring of the most precious beloved.

In conclusion, as you practice these simple steps, you will notice your relationship shift into more sensuality, playfulness, self-acceptance, confidence and joy. Your body really holds the key to what you desire. 

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