Guest Blogger: Sixty And The City
Writing this blog, I often get asked if it’s worth doing the online thing. What’s my answer? Depends on my mood, only kidding. In all seriousness, it depends where your head is at and what your expectations are.
I tell the women and men who write to me that if they want to meet someone really meet someone and not just go on a lifelong daterama, one has to be positive. If you’re stuck somewhere in bitterness mode because you had the divorce from hell, stay home until you can learn to leave that where it belongs in the past. No one wants to hear the vitriol.
Many guys have danced the same dance and the last thing anyone wants is to re-visit a bad meal. If you have lost a spouse/S.O., of course, it’s very different. If you have not on some level been able to move on, you’ve got more work to do. This is as tough as it gets but you can only do it if you’re ready. If you’re not, then realize that and wait until you are. Don’t push yourself.
Anyway, there are a few things that should be on everyone’s mental check list of do’s don’t and maybe so’s.
1. You can’t push yourself into a relationship. You go out with someone and you sort of like him and you’re tired of dating so you force yourself into “like liking” the guy. NOT a good idea. Why? It’s not possible. Just because you don’t want to be alone, you can’t glom onto a guy and pretend that you’re into him. It’s a crappy thing to do to him and to yourself. The more you push to make something that is not meant to happen, the lousier it’s going to be.
2. Don’t throw yourself at every guy who shows interest. I know, I know it’s tempting. I have been guilty of it myself and not just once. Part of me used to say, well, if I tried really hard I could turn this around. NO NO NO and yes, I have finally learned it. 3 dates doesn’t mean he’s it and doesn’t mean you should be planning dinner parties at his beach house when it’s January. Get my drift? Pun intended.
3. Your’e not changing NOR SHOULD YOU! If you start a relationship with someone who wants to change you to fit his expectations of who you should be, you’re in for it and the IT is not good. I am not talking about accommodations; I am talking about a total re-do. Who does he think he is? Henry Higgins? HELLO, HELLS TO THE NO. At this point, you know who you are and you like yourself more than that!! If someone likes and ultimately loves you, it’s you, not the person that he wants you to be. Do you really want to fit into someone else’s mold? You’re you and you’re fabulous and if he isn’t seeing that, the hell with him.
Sixty knows from whence she speaks on this one.
4. Road goes both ways. You meet someone, he’s great but, there’s things that you’re not thrilled with. If they are little things, fine; but if they are things that get on your nerve and you think you can change him, FORGET IT. NO AND NO AND NO. I married someone thinking that I could take the proverbial sow’s ear and and turn it into a silk purse. We know how well that turned out and how it always does.
5. Don’t issue pronouncements of devotion and demand the same from someone who’s not there and good shot never going to be. I know OUCH, that hurts but ratchet it down and realize that it’s not destined to be a relationship. If you tell this guy who probably has no clue what you are thinking because you’ve not expressed yourself, that you want to take it to the next level and he’s clueless, what happens? He’s out the door like his ass is on fire and you’re left licking your wounds. And, no offense were self inflicted. Been there and done that, too. As a matter of fact, I did it with the guy who wanted to do an Eliza Doolittle on me. Double whammy! If I want to Eliza Doolittle and Henry Higgins, I’ll go to the show, thank you very much!
6. Cheaters: We’ve covered this ground but sometimes the cheater whose cheated on his wife comes off like he’s been reformed. Of course, you might think; “well, he likes me so much and thinks I am wonderful, he won’t do that to me”. Not to be jaded, but from personal experience and all that I have observed, if he’s cheated throughout his last relationship/s, it’s going to happen again. Does that sound too real? TRUTH! Of course, I am not talking about the marrieds who think it’s perfectly fine to go out with someone while maintaining a marital life. C’mon kids, you deserve more. Sloppy seconds never tastes good.
7. You meet Mr. Maybe Great on line. You do the online cha cha and then the phone pong for way too long. Well, if you really want to know what he’s like, MEET HIM. How much due diligence do you need? You’re not taking a company public, you’re trying to meet a nice guy. If he’s great, yay, if not, then next; but you won’t know until you put the damn phone down and put on an outfit and get out there.
8. Lastly, GREAT SEX does not always mean it’s a great relationship. Now, that should be rudimentary but it’s not always so clear. Fireworks in the bedroom are sometimes pyrotechnics in the bedroom and that’s all. You sort of have to feel it out. Yup, feel it out both physically and emotionally. You’ll know when it’s right.
What have we learned? Can’t make chicken soup out of chicken merde. French for s—!
We all deserve to be loved and to love. Sometimes, you feel like the search is never going to end and BOOM, there he is. Opening your mind and often shutting off the laundry list of “musts” does wonders.
About the Author:
Ellen lives and works in NYC. Her blog Sixty And The City takes us on a poignant and funny ride of the dating scene after 60. Follow Sixty And The City on Instagram and stay tuned here on Kuel Life for more anecdotes. This blog has been reposted with permission from Sixty And The City.