Can We Move Past Betrayal In Our Relationship?

Midlife Pleasure: Ania Grimone

Recently a dear friend of mine experienced a breach in her marriage.

A deep sense of betrayal overcame her when her partner told her that she is the love of his life, AND/BUT he needs to be able to date younger women to satisfy his lust.

The internalized social conditioning prizing youth and beauty above all, translated these events for her into: I am old, ugly, useless, unlovable. I no longer belong. Her body shut down. And her sense of self-worth fell to pieces. 

“We cannot fight the world. We CAN stand up for ourselves.”

She is one of the most gorgeous, kind, smart, powerful, accomplished, and inspiring women I personally know. She is an object of envy of many, seemingly blessed with all that a woman can wish for. Except for one thing. She is still a woman. 

It is such a common tale. The sense of culturally sanctioned entitlement, independence, and freedom afforded to men. Add to that, the entanglement between sex, age, looks, and worth, making them the foundation of safety and connection for women. 

It is time we tease those apart. 

Femininity, Sensuality, Joy, Sex, And Sense Of Worth:

We cannot fight the world. We can stand up for ourselves. Moreover, we can take the reins of control over our sense of self from our partners, and refuse to be robbed of our femininity, sensuality, joy, sex, and sense of worth because a man wants something else. 

But before we can do that we first have to grieve. Grieve for the shattered illusion, for the broken trust, for the disappointed expectations. Grieve because we fell for it. We must let our bodies move through the hurricane of emotions and let the denial, sadness, loss, and rage illuminate the truth. 

There is no building the new world on the foundation of stinky past, and messed up rules. Grief burns it all down. It’s OK to grieve. In fact, it is necessary. It is OK to take your time. In fact, it is necessary. 

An embodied grief does one more important thing – it brings you back to yourself. It illuminates the fundamental flaw in the belief that you are what someone else sees. How? Just notice people’s reaction to your grief. There will be as many opinions as there are observers. None will know the truth of your experience. 

What Do I Want?

And with that comes an opening for a tender question to arise. What do I want? How can I thrive? Who am I without the terrorism of public opinion, or needs of my partner? Who is this marvelous body I live in, capable of rapture, pleasure, and pain? How can I notice it, and offer it permanently what the world capriciously manipulates me with? 

Can I offer me a loving touch? A word of kindness? An appreciative wink? Moment of gratitude? A breath of acceptance? 

Can I choose my own beauty and pleasure in defiance of the standard narrative, and grasp hands with others willing to change the standard? 

Can I choose to laugh, to orgasm, to feel the sacredness and magnificence of myself, when it is not distorted by fear, and selfishness of others? Do I dare own my own beauty? 

“The feminine essence, the source of your deep wisdom, courage, and magic lives in your body.”

What side will I stand on? Begging for crumbs of attention, or feeling my own feminine power, and let the world be magnetized by who I am? 

The feminine essence, the source of your deep wisdom, courage, and magic lives in your body. Follow her cues. 

Start With Acceptance:

Start with acceptance. Because when you can extend an unconditional acceptance to all that you are, there is no amount of external rejection that can break you. 

Here is a morning meditation for you to try: 

1. Set a timer for 10 minutes
2. Scan your body for any arising sensations. Pain, tingling, numbness, heat, cold, etc. When you notice them, just say “you are welcome here”.
3. Notice any emotions arising. Without judgment or trying to change them, say “you are welcome here”.
4. Notice any thoughts you may have. Without arguing with them, say “you are welcome here”.
5. Then ever so gently touch your breasts, and begin massaging them in circles. Down on the outside and up on the inside. Slow, and gentle, connecting to your heart, offering presence. That, and acceptance. Whatever arises is welcome here. This is your safe space. A sacred container where you don’t have to earn a right to be noticed, accepted, pleasured, or loved. 

Sensuality Is Your Essence:

Be patient. Show up. Work on getting past the betrayal. Do the practice over and over again, and I promise you that the powerful, sexy, and magnetic creature will rise from the ashes. Because sensuality is your essence. Offered without agenda, and strings attached, and wrapped in a blanket of acceptance, it will be your guiding light out of the darkness. 

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