Midlife Pleasure: Ania Grimone
The orgasm gap is cultural, not biological.
“Many women do not orgasm from penetration alone, yet they feel like they should be able to.”
What that means is that women’s orgasms aren’t more complicated than men’s, but we were made to believe that they are.
Let’s Talk About Orgasm:
From textbooks to popular media, novels, erotica, porn and Hollywood, the description and the expectation is that the female O must model itself on men. Few thrusts, explosion of pleasure, and everyone is happy.
Well, if we would take it literally, expecting a woman to orgasm vaginally alone would be equivalent to having a man orgasm solely from stimulation of his perineum. Many women do not orgasm from penetration alone, yet they feel like they should be able to. I’m talking anatomy here.
And yet, you see it everywhere. Women are left to their own devices to hopefully decode their pleasure anatomy, and it is worthy of celebration when a woman finally learns her own body to successfully and predictably reach ecstasy. Many women locked down by shame, embarrassment, and a garden variety of sexual repression never get there, but when they do, it’s hard won, so we want to hold on to it.
Orgasms Harder To Reach:
In midlife, and around menopause, a sharp decline in hormones, combined with fatigue, insomnia, hot flashes, and general stress may lead to temporary changes in sensation, making sex painful, and orgasms harder to reach.
Add to it a taboo around sex conversations, difficulty women have communicating needs and wants around sex, the subtle societal messages that women’s pleasure is less important than men’s, that older women are not attractive, and we have a ripe environment for feeling inadequate, broken, and confused.
Why Do We Fake Orgasm?
According to studies, women fake orgasms for a variety of reasons. The most common are to make the partner feel good. Some fake it because they feel they are taking too long to climax, to cover up embarrassment, or to end sex because they are not enjoying it. (Guilty of all.)
“It is natural to not want to do things that don’t make you feel good, so guess what, your sex life dries up.”
There are no benefits to faking an orgasm. Faking makes it harder over time to achieve a real O. Because it may lead to a disconnection from body sensations – numbing you out.
It also perpetuates feeling broken, chips at self-esteem, and reinforces that your pleasure is not that important. It is natural to not want to do things that don’t make you feel good, so guess what, your sex life dries up.
Moreover, it also disconnects you from your partner. Whether we say it out loud or not, we can sense when things are off, and yes, men have instincts too. The spider senses are real, and soon your partner will not be able to trust you. They want to be with you and please you, not worry about if you are faking it.
Real orgasms release dopamine, the chemical of pleasure that makes you come back for more. So the prescription for better sex life is to have more awesome sex. Orgasms also release oxytocin, the love hormone, which helps you bond with your partner after sex.
I hope I made my case.
How To Stop Faking An Orgasm:
Honest conversations are best, but let’s be real. Sex conversations are hard enough when things are good. Coming clean if you have been pretending in the bedroom may be just too much. But don’t despair. There is another way.
Whether you are an occasional faker, or you fake all the time, start slowly.
Begin to increasingly incorporate more authentic behaviors. Let your partner know that you want to communicate more and ask for what you like. Focus on pleasure and presence. Bring playfulness, and humor, which makes it easier to ask for things. Incorporate self-pleasure to sensitize your body and learn what does feel good, when your body has a say, not your mind.
“introduce non-sexual touch, so your partner approaching you doesn’t automatically mean sex.”
Foreplay, Connection, And Pleasure:
Many women have responsive desire. It means that they don’t get turned on instantly when approached for sex. So if that is you, give yourself time for foreplay, connection, and pleasure. Give your body an opportunity to feel good and once things start heating up, you can decide IF you want sex or not.
If you are in a relationship, introduce non-sexual touch, so your partner approaching you doesn’t automatically mean sex. It will help you relax and receive pleasure without shutting it down instantly at the thought of touch=sex. There is nothing wrong with you. You may simply have responsive desire.
You can also talk to your OBGYN about vaginal estrogen. It improves moisture and blood flow, without cancer risks. Taoist practices with jade egg, which I teach have the same effect.
You Are Worth It:
When our lives are busy, and things are not as easy as they used to be, it can be tempting to forgo this part of your life. But maintaining a sensual, vibrant connection to your sexual energy is a source of aliveness, creativity, and spark that will keep your fire going for years to come. You are worth the effort!
Tune in next month for a conversation about desire.
About the Author:
Ania, MS, L.Ac., CPCC, is a clinician of Chinese medicine, as well as Certified Professional Co-Active Coach, Health, and Sex Coach. She blends the most cutting-edge behavioral science with principles of Chinese medicine, Daoism, Tantra, and somatic experiencing, to heal and harness the power of female sexuality.
She is a founder of Venus Core Leadership, teaching women a new way of being. Sensual, embodied, regulated, and filled with pleasure.
She is passionate about reconnecting women to their deep wisdom, and innate, natural sexual core, as a source of aliveness, creativity, and joy. Regardless of age. Visit www.venuscoreleadership.com
If you would like to reconnect to your body, and your sexuality, have, restore, or strengthen orgasms, and improve your intimacy, schedule a chat at https://calendly.com/venuscoreleadership/coaching-session. You can also sign up for Return To Self, my 4 week virtual embodiment course for women to undo burnout, eliminate stress, fall in love with your body, and increase pleasure.