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Lover, I Want You To Be Soft, But I Also Want You Hard


Sexuality Expert: Beth Keil 

I hear women wish their partner/lover was more sensitive, respectful, and considerate to their needs, but…

Why Are We Still Attracted To The Bad Boy And Hard?

This question was asked by a sensitive man I know, who was doing a presentation on being and being with, a sensitive man.

My thoughts – because the bad boy is a rule-breaker, and doesn’t conform. Similarly, there’s a sense of danger and excitement about him. He is passionate and knows how to be in control. Maybe, we also hope this includes our body.

“We live in a culture where women and men have learned to be cautious.”

The Considerate Lover:

We live in a culture where women and men have learned to be cautious, if not afraid, of each other. Perhaps this was an unintended outcome. But with fears of sexual harassment, being afraid to express one’s femininity, masculinity, or sexuality, and a man not wanting to be seen as a “stereotypical male” who objectifies women – of course, we’re afraid!

These Fears Aren’t Necessarily In Our Conscious Awareness:

They are, however, in our subconscious mind, acting as a type of programming running in the background. Hidden, it wouldn’t occur to you to have a conversation with friends, family, or intimates about it. In addition, what you do see, however, are the ‘symptoms’ of the programming, which runs deep in our culture.

“More than likely, you’ve taught them to judge the men in their life this way as well.”

Judging The Men In Your Life – Soft Or Hard?

My sensitive male friend added – “has (a man) ever been allowed to have or express this energy, in a world that makes him afraid of being judged?”

It would follow that a considerate man, not wanting to be seen as an aggressor, had to learn to tone down his masculine energy and even judge it as something negative about himself. But women are also impacted by this, as programming touches us all!

My friend’s comment made me think. As the mother of two adult sons, how may I have unknowingly contributed to them judging themselves negatively; it will take a conversation with each of them to find out.

Moms of a daughter, you may play a part in this too! More than likely, you’ve taught them to judge the men in their life this way as well. But it may not stop there, as she might be playing a part in perpetuating this relationship dynamic.

The Result Of Trying To Be Considerate?

It may mean that masculine energy doesn’t show up in the bedroom, and it’s integral. In other words, masculine energy doesn’t show up in the bedroom, and it’s an integral part of the fuel mixture for passion and deep pleasure. Like a spark to the feminine energy flame!

“Romance novels are a billion-dollar a year industry!”

Where Masculine And Feminine Energies Collide, Merge, And Explode!

Enter the romance novel.

Romance novels are a billion-dollar a year industry, with various genres. The May 2020 Forbes online article, “During Tough Times, Romance Novel Sales are Set to Soar”, noted the sales of these novels often increase during recessions, and were set to increase during the first year of the pandemic.

It cited reasons, such as they were inexpensive to buy, they offer a diversion and excitement, and are happy-ever-after stories.

What the author missed is the longing for adventure, one that includes our need and desire for PASSIONATE connection and sexual intimacy! 

He Confidently Knows How To Rip Off Her Hard Bodice…And Does He!

The only romance novels I enjoy are those in the gothic genre; they take place centuries ago, the main male character is someone who has a hidden emotional wound (making him sensitive), he has people in his life with whom he is kind, loving, gentle, and tender, and protects what is his (family, castle, or even a pirate ship). He is honorable, confident, and determined, sometimes even forceful. He goes after what he wants (including the main character, with whom we identify)!

This is quite a list of attributes!

But the next question is…

“Remember, it’s the couple’s creativity and passion that fuels intimacy and connection.”

How Do We Create This With Our Partner/Lover?

Here are just some of the things for you to consider:

  1. There are no one-size-fits-all solutions as we are each diverse, unique, independent individuals and couples.
  2. Solutions are best when they’re dynamic, not a prescribed set of steps you have to follow. Remember, it’s the couple’s creativity and passion that fuels intimacy and connection, so anything externally structured, will take them away! Think of this as a recipe book, one that focuses on “when you have these ingredients, here are various ways you can experiment using them.”
  3. If you’re looking for THE answer or A solution, it won’t work well or for long.
  4. It’s important to realize this is a larger issue than just you and your partner/lover; it includes how we’ve been programmed to look at sexual energies and at ourselves.

Remember, Claiming Your Passion, Desire, Sexuality, And Sexual Expression Is Your Birthright!

So, when you’re ready to claim your birthright and want help dealing with the unconscious aspects affecting you and others, let’s talk!

What you might not be aware of is how hypnotherapy can play a central role in creating a passion and intimacy-filled relationship! Look below for how you can arrange for your Discovery Session and get started!

Here’s to Aphrodite Rising!

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About the Author:

Beth Keil helps her clients change and transform their lives. She offers a special focus on helping people claim the birthright of their erotic identity and to live in the joy, intimacy, and connection it brings. Beth is a Registered Nurse, MindSet Coach, and a Board Certified Hypnotist. Through her work, she enjoys integrating all her interests, experiences, and skills to bring sensuality, sex, and the erotic into greater awareness and conversation. You can schedule a 30-minute complimentary phone consultation with Beth using the Discovery Session icon.

4 thoughts on “Lover, I Want You To Be Soft, But I Also Want You Hard

  1. Denese Neuhof says:

    Beth, you brought to light feelings of some men. I never liked romance novels because I don’t believe that that kind of sex even exists. The intimacy is great, the act itself, not so much. I grew up believing that sex is how you get a man, that’s it. At this stage in my life I have no interest in sex nor in men for that matter, so I may not be very objective here.

    • Beth says:

      I so appreciate what you shared, Denese!

      Each of us is a unique individual, and with it comes our personal experiences, interests, and needs. Your sharing highlights this and is part of the conversation as well — what does it mean when we’ve been brought up to think of sex as a how to get a man or barter of some sort. Erotic pleasure would, I’d think, have no place in this mix.

      Again, thank you for your share!


  2. Marjorie says:

    Your light, straightforward, knowledgeable approach to your writing is refreshing and I love that it is a quick, yet valuable read. The purposeful, calm background and layout contribute to it being a wise monthly read.
    Marjorie 11/29/21

    • Beth says:

      Marjorie, I’m so glad this blog was meaningful to you; as a blogger, I don’t know until someone comments on it. So thank-you. This is a deeper conversation than the blog, and I look at my blogs as a beginning.


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