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No Expiration Date On Pleasure


Sex Alchemist Kuel Category Expert: Ronda Ray

A big shout out to Gwyneth Paltrow for the new Netflix Series “Love, Sex & Goop”.

By creating this place where we can watch and learn, it encourages voices, like mine, who are writing, teaching, and talking about pleasure. Talking about pleasure, as our birthright, to keep going.

It was affirming listening to her and Emily Morse chat on the “Sex with Emily’ podcast. When Gwyneth said how important it is that women pass along sexual wisdom to each other, I was thrilled. It has been our cultural tradition not to talk with our mothers, our daughters, our friends, our partners about sex and pleasure.

“When something is kept hidden, it takes on more power than it really has.”

Pleasure Experiences:

The point being, wouldn’t it be a gift? A gift, for the future, for all genders, to not be caught by surprise when their bodies go through perfectly natural events. That means no surprises or shame around periods; breast development; the emergence of pubic hair; conception challenges,;decisions to become pregnant or end a pregnancy; miscarriages; birth control; perimenopause; desire fluctuations; and menopause. What about no surprise that pleasurable sexual experiences can, and do, continue well into the oldest of ages?

When something is kept hidden, it takes on more power than it really has. Once we begin talking about sex and pleasure openly, shine light on it, it becomes less taboo. We learn we are not alone in our questions and thoughts. Normal experiences are treated normally!!

I’m going to pick on religion for a minute here. Specifically my experience with being raised Catholic. Although we weren’t particularly religious, the church impacted on my thinking and interpretation of many things, sex being one of them. But really the only thing we heard about s-e-x was that it was a “Hard NO” before marriage. And then, only for procreation. It was simply a perfunctory act to create a child. Pleasure was never even hinted at.

Outside Boundaries Of Pleasure:

Having sex outside of these boundaries would get us a one-way ticket to hell. Sex was about sin, evil, the temptation of Satan. Not having sex was the primary responsibility of the girl. This alone could be an entire article!

Masturbation wasn’t discussed either. Other than whispers that only boys did that. AND—you knew which boys were guilty of this by their hairy palms or sudden onset of blindness. Both of these threats were ways to say, ‘we will know’ and shame will descend upon you!!

This shame-filled, fear-based messaging becomes embedded in a person’s psyche. The brain is then trained to interpret sex and sexual desire as a threat. This has a damaging effect on marriage when one or both partners cannot get the message of ‘wrong’ out of their mind. Their brains are sending messages to their bodies to tense up and be prepared to fight, flight, or freeze!

“This wonderful organ has only one purpose and it’s very good at this one thing—to give us pleasure.”

Pleasurable Expression:

What is supposed to be a natural, healthy, pleasurable expression of our human desire and need to connect, has morphed into something that is feared and silenced.

We were created with these amazing bodies that do so much for us—so easily and elegantly that we rarely think about all that it provides. And despite the barriers from dogmatic, social, and family constructs, I don’t think shame, fear and suppression of pleasure was what the Creator’s intent was for our magnificent bodies.

Why do I think this? Simple—the clitoris! This wonderful organ has only one purpose and it’s very good at it. It gives us pleasure. Although there’s some disagreement over whether, as frequently reported, there are actually 8000 nerve endings in the clitoris, maybe there are more, maybe there are less, but most experts and clitorally aware vulva owners agree there are a lot of them. And those nerves have but one purpose–to bring its owner orgasmic pleasure.

“Women Are Built for Pleasure.”

Sexual Connection:

So why would a loving Creator design these wonderful, pleasure-seeking, pleasure-giving bodies and then tell us those sensations are shameful, dirty, and forbidden?

AND why did God create our bodies’ abilities AND DESIRE for orgasmic response and sexual connection to continue long past our bodies ability to reproduce?

It’s ironic, then, don’t you think, that our ability to procreate has an expiration date. Yet, pleasure doesn’t. That seems to be pretty strong evidence that literally, Women Are Built for Pleasure.

Realistic About Sex:

All consenting adults who desire sex and pleasure should, no matter their age (as I said—consenting adults), marital status, gender status, or preferences, enjoy sex with complete freedom from shame, guilt, and embarrassment.

So, thank you Gwyneth for showing us diverse individuals with diverse wants, needs, and desires. This is one more step forward in becoming more accepting and realistic about sex, pleasure, intimacy, and eroticism.

**Here’s some homework: grab your partner, or your favorite toy, or both, and see how many clitoral nerve endings you can find! Message me on Instagram @rondaray_ or email me at [email protected].   I’ll share the results in an upcoming post.

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Ronda Ray

About the Author:

Ronda is an Alchemist—she takes conventional thinking, social, and cultural norms around Sex, Intimacy, and Pleasure and turns them on their heads!  
She has a passion to help women (and more than a few men) reconnect to Pleasure and reawaken the truth of Pleasure as Our Birthright—yes, this is true for each and everyone of us. The awareness that there is no expiration date on pleasure has been helpful for women of all ages to realize they are built for pleasure—yes, this is true in the most literal sense: Women. Are. Built. For. Pleasure.
You can connect with Ronda by email at [email protected]This is where she loves receiving comments and currently schedules appointments.  

5 thoughts on “No Expiration Date On Pleasure

  1. Pingback: ​The Benefits Of Staying Off Social Media​ - A Bounteous Life

  2. Sherry Danner says:

    Another important and beautifully-written article!  As I read, I find myself angry about all the pain we suffer from the unnecessary shame, and then laughing out loud at lines like “clitorally aware vulva owners agree…” Thank you, Ronda, for addressing this topic both eloquently and with relatable humor. It makes me feel a deep connection to a sisterhood and a desire to stand up and cheer for us all! 

    • Ronda Zillner says:

      Sherry, thank you for sharing how this made you feel! Love the image of cheering for pleasure for all! 📣🎉🥳

    • Ronda Zillner says:

      Thanks Sherry!! Love knowing this and imagining all of us cheering 📣 in unison for more shame-free pleasure!! 🎉🥳🤸🏼‍♀️

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