‘Sorta Married?’ – Stay Off My Dating Site

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Guest Blogger: Sixty And The City

The assumption is that when one goes on a dating site or APP, that the “single” people are actually single as in NOT MARRIED. Seems logical to me. Then again, when does logic have anything to do with dating? If it’s a site aimed at the “marrieds”, then whole other story and definitely not my story to tell.

Sidebar: trying an app and it’s kind of fun except it keeps telling me that I have run out of people. Where NYC, Guam, what?? Clearly, they don’t know that I have barely scratched the surface. Now that I am trying it,  I don’t know why i found it so daunting but whatever. Not important.

Back to the married people on the sites. Now this is coming from someone whose husband, now ex, was on a dating site while still living in the family home and was busted by one of my daughters. Isn’t that special? Our marriage was in its final stages but irrelevant. Ditto for a dear friend’s charming hubby who was also, busted by his daughter. Stupid on steroids; not to mention insensitive and thoughtless.

So yes, I get that men and women go on these sites even if they are married and I DO NOT mean separated. Watch out for those “separated” guys as many have not left the marital home and haven’t even begun the process; so in other words, still married STILL MARRIED!

What could possibly be their process? This is a very public forum and if their bright shiny faces are up front and center, do they not think that a friend, relative, boss, child, even spouse might find them? Clearly, they don’t think and don’t care and most probably figure that they are so smart that they are going to fly under the radar. Kids, there ain’t no flying under the radar on these things.

I started asking other singles and they said, oh, of course, there are married people on the sites; looking at me with pity that I was so naive. Geez, what could I have been thinking that someone wouldn’t be that reckless? Clearly, doesn’t even enter the equation.

Now, infidelity is as old as the institution of marriage. The lawyer screws the secretary, the doctor screws the nurse, the pool boy, tennis instructor screws the… you got my gist.
###BTW, this is NON GENDER specific.
I’ve never gotten the whole screwing around thing. So much work, so much subterfuge, so much BS.

Of course, I get the desire to step out on one’s spouse, but if someone is so unhappy, get the hell out. Pay the freight, do a minimal amount of damage to your family, and move on into the newest flavor’s arms. BTW, word to the wise, the person who one allegedly leaves his/her marriage for is generally not the person who sticks. Just sayin.

Now, to be even handed, let’s address the woman who is stepping out with the married man? Is it wrong, immoral etc. Of course it is, however, there is something dangerous and provocative about it. Don’t stay long, you’re gonna get scorched or worse fall in love with that married person. Many woman and again, I can only speak for women, have dipped their toes into the married guy pool. Generally, this dipping happens before one’s 30th birthday rolls around. Fortunately, most of us came away unscathed, battle scarred and a hell of a lot wiser.

OK, so you’re all following. Doing some more due diligence, I asked around and my wiser friends said the married guys are the ones with no pictures. DUH DUH DUH DUH! That is very true but I do know actual single people who don’t have images up because of professional reasons, but I digress. Of course, I do.

Several years ago, I “met” a lovely man on JDate. He was just my cup of tea: smart, funny, cultured etc. We communicated for much longer on email than I usually do. The never ending emails are not for me but I acquiesced on this one as he was in France on a business trip plus he wrote beautifully. Am a sucker for a well turned phrase. Nothing gets to me more than a gorgeously written letter/email.

About two weeks into the email thing, Howard mentions in a roundabout way that he was still sort of married. Again, what in hell is sort of married?  THERE IS NO SUCH THING!!! Either one is or one is not. Am simple that way. He went into some long story which basically boiled down to he was over the wife but a family tragedy kept them together.

WHAT? Not only was he a lying bastard but using the family tragedy card was just beyond my ken. I was appalled. In a not very ladylike way, I told him to F-Off. At one point, he tried to explain to me what a wonderful life we could have together? Together what, me, him the wife and the rest of the mishpacha? NOT!!!!

I told him that thanks for the oh so gracious offer to take me to the south of France but I was going to take a pass because he was a WORM and was I not into anyone else’s husband aka as sloppy seconds.

My last more recent foray into married guys was Lawrence. This one I met in 3D and he was ‘meh’ in the looks department and snobby but also, incredibly bright, nice, and he was kind of funny. Probably the only thing honest that he said to me was that he used filler in his face. Most men will not admit to these little cosmetic procedures. I rather liked hearing the admission.

He took me out several times but after the third date, I began to think; what no weekends? He answered that he was busy with the grandkids out in Quoque. Talking about good on paper … again. Ok, i can buy that, sort of. He took me to several places on the UWS (Upper West Side for you non-New Yorkers) right near his apartment on West End Avenue.
I don’t know when a bell finally went off in my head, but I  decided that I was not going to say anything till that night. We went to some ginormously expensive restaurant where I immediately ordered the most expensive Barolo by the glass on the menu. Lawrence, Mr Single Malt Scotch guy, ordered his drink and made a parade before he drank it. BTW, scotch drinkers are even more insufferable than the oenophiles. HURRY UP, I thought, put that damn glass to your lips.

I strategically picked my spot. Just as he was lifting his $45 glass of scotch to his mouth, i asked him where his wife was? Have you ever seen anyone turn green except for the Wicked Witch in  the Wizard of Oz? Quite the site!

He recovered enough not to spit booze all over himself. He sputtered for a few minutes until I told him to can it. Once again, he offered me the moon, the life that every woman dreams of and so on. Then to add fuel to the fire, he told me many women wanted him to which I responded, have a nice life and get me an Uber.

These tales should be over; but both of these marrieds stalked me on LinkedIn, by text, and then the worst of all – on other sites. What can I tell you? Am just irresistible. Yeah right. So what my dears is the takeaway from all of this? Married guys are beneath your dignity.

They will offer you the world. You don’t need “that world” that badly, not ever. Trust me.
When you see a profile, with no image, for safety’s sake, pass it by. If somehow, you accidentally fall into one of these things with someone who turns out to be married, get out like your tush is on fire. There are plenty of fish in the sea (that’s a site, too) and you are bound to find a great guy who is not otherwise sort of married. GEEZ!!!

About the Author:

Ellen lives and works in NYC. Her blog Sixty And The City takes us on a poignant and funny ride of the dating scene after 60. Follow Sixty And The City on Instagram and stay tuned here on Kuel Life for more anecdotes. This blog has been reposted with permission from  Sixty And The City.

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