Transitions Kuel Thought Leader: Nancy Tepper
Things in life will go wrong at some point in time.
It’s just a fact of life that things don’t work out the way we plan sometimes.
Blaming Makes Us A Victim:
Blaming other people or external factors is an easy way to abdicate our own responsibility in a situation where things go wrong. And blaming, instead of taking ownership of a problem, is a short-term fix, but has lasting negative ramifications.
Being a blamer will almost always be damaging to yourself. Especially, if you continue the pattern and not take responsibility and learn from your mistakes. Blaming gives you victim status because you fail to maintain any sense of personal accountability for situations that go wrong.
In our lives, we all hope to feel empowered, not victimized.
“By learning how to reframe a situation you can learn and grow and not make the same mistake repeatedly”
Blamers Don’t Take Responsibility For Their Own Actions:
As a life coach, I often work with habitual blamers who don’t take responsibility for mistakes they have made. Blamers end up performing worse in life and often struggle with relationships. By learning how to reframe a situation you can learn and grow and not make the same mistake repeatedly. You can stop the same problem or a bad dynamic from recurring.
People who learn from uncomfortable situations earn a sense of control over the outcomes in their lives and feel empowerment instead of anxiety and stress. A simple example is when someone is late all the time and blames traffic. That is the blame game. This individual isn’t leaving enough time in their schedule and is inconveniencing others but doesn’t account for their own role of not leaving enough time.
If these individuals recognized that their actions contributed to this issue, they wouldn’t be stressed about being tardy all the time and upsetting others who are counting on them.
Blamers Need To Gain Perspective For Growth:
It takes inner wisdom to gain the insight you need to learn and grow; working with a coach can provide the perspective on how to limit self-sabotaging behaviors like the blame game. When you gain perspective on a negative situation and learn a lesson, you also can hopefully avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
“It can make someone feel better about themself if they put someone else down.”
It is also common for a blamer to suffer from low self-worth. And, it can make someone feel better about themself if they put someone else down. However, that is at a cost because you end up alienating people and straining your relationships. A coach can help you figure out how to build your self-esteem and give you the tools that you need to feel good about yourself so you can move forward and develop as a person.
Blamers Feel A Lack Of Control:
Blaming also happens if you feel like you have lost control of a situation. When you yell at someone and are mean and spiteful, the tendency is for you to blame your reaction on the fact that someone else triggered that response.
However, in reality, if someone says something that you don’t like, the correct response is to pause, collect your thoughts, and manage the intensity of your feelings before you respond. The dynamic of blaming others for your own behavior is often why relationships suffer. If you say hurtful things to someone, it is your own fault, not someone else’s.
Learning how to communicate and discovering the root cause for your reaction (rather than blaming your partner for your reaction), will often improve a relationship. Blame is very common in marriage, especially when stresses occur that cause fighting and upset.
“Change is hard, especially when we get used to our unproductive ways of thinking.”
A Coach Can Give You The Tools You Need For Change:
With any self-sabotaging behavior, your chances of gaining more self-awareness and changing will improve significantly with the help of a coach. Why is this? Change is hard, especially when we get used to our unproductive ways of thinking.
Once you identify your goals and decide to work with a coach, you can find out what is “blocking” you from moving forward and ultimately from feeling more fulfilled. With coaching, goals are almost always based on actions and solutions and not remaining stuck in old habits.
Own Definition Of Happiness:
The pandemic has not only made many people reassess their lives in the present but also has raised our consciousness about our intentions and goals for the future. For two-plus years, our normal lives have been altered and we have had a lot of time to think about the present and reassess for the future.
We should all strive to live a life based on our own definition of happiness and contentment and should continue to work on our personal development.
Nancy Tepper is a 54 year- old mother of three living in New York City and having fun in this next chapter. She loves tennis, yoga, and is an avid reader. Nancy loves spending time with family and friends and loves to help people. She is currently a member of the Board and Executive Director of Stand Up! Girls which is a non-profit offering stand-up comedy classes to under-served girls in the five boroughs of New York City. Nancy is also a co-founder of MT Nesters podcast which offers valuable advice and inspiration to women who are empty nested and trying to pivot. Lastly, Nancy is a certified Life Coach and works with people who want to transition, or individuals who want to make positive changes in their lives. You can reach Nancy at [email protected] .To learn more about Nancy, please visit her website at www.nancyteppercoaching.com