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The Rat Hole Of Self-Doubt

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There is so much going on in the world right now: ranging from a global deadly virus; to economic ruin; to civil unrest and blatant intolerable racism; to an ‘historic’ Saharan dust storm; to ‘Murder’ hornets.

There are plenty of events, all around, to keep any of us wide-awake at night. And, wide-awake I’ve been the last couple of nights.

Wondering Which One Of The ‘WTFs Of 2020’ Is The Culprit?

Might I be researching beekeeper suits to prevent the deadly sting of the freaky Asian giant hornet? Could I be figuring out my short list of essentials so that I can ‘stay inside some more’ when the big plume of African dust decimates our air quality? What about feeling helpless that there is no real change I can effect to further our quest  to end racism?

At the risk of coming across petty, small, and somewhat narcissistic, I’m losing sleep and feeling sorry for myself because someone I thought a friend unsubscribed from my weekly newsletter. 

With soooo much to worry about; so much to fret over, I’m perseverating over ONE unsubscribe?”




With soooo much to worry about; so much to fret over, I’m perseverating over ONE unsubscribe?

The sad and short answer is: Yes.

A seemingly insignificant event really shook me up. Sometimes little incidents can stick in our craw and upset the status quo of who we are.

If someone who has known me for years, and is exactly my targeted demographic, chooses to stop consuming what I am relentlessly and passionately building… well, what does that mean?

The Rat Hole of Self-Doubt

“Have I been lying to myself?”

It has spiraled me into self-doubt. I have never been one to view myself as weak or a victim. I pride myself on not caring what others think of me. Have I been lying to myself? 

What if building an online virtual community focused specifically on topics relevant to women in midlife is a bad idea? What if no one really cares or finds value in it? 

Why am I letting the actions of ONE woman inject me with doubt and fear?

It’s Not About Me Anyway

And, here’s the deal with most of these ‘friend betrayal’ scenarios. The ‘friend’s’ behavior more than likely has nothing to do with ‘you’. For whatever reason, my friend’s ‘Unsubscribe’ filled me with feelings of rejection; driving me into a rat hole of self-doubt. I found myself thinking of little else for the last 24 hours and reprimanding myself for it. This is a clear case of too much solitary confinement.

I took myself for a very long walk and formulated a plan to exorcise the demon that had me fixated on this ‘one’ negative occurrence. During the walk, I texted my friend and asked ‘why’? 

“Hi lady. Been a while. Noticed you unsubscribed from my weekly newsletter.
No worries. Just looking for feedback. What didn’t work for you or resonate with you?
I’m really trying to build a platform focused on topics relevant to us women in midlife.
Any feedback is greatly appreciated 💋”

There was no instant reply, but that is not unusual since we are more distant friends. The response eventually came and sure enough had nothing to do with me or my baby, Kuel Life. She felt overwhelmed with her inbox and began ‘unsubscribing’.

“Hey there! Been super busy with more clients than ever as you can imagine
and unsubscribing to a ton of emails to simplify life unless it feels essential to my work”

Clearly, I need to keep less watch over my email mailing list and spend a bit more time on sandstorms and killer bees.

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