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The Three Most Common Sexual Fantasies

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Sex Alchemist Kuel Category Thought Leader: Ronda Ray

Awe and Wonder!! We often Look with Wonder and Feel in Awe when we first meet the person who becomes our partner.

Brene Brown, in her newest book, Atlas of the Heart, explains that wonder inspires the wish to explore and learn, for curiosity and adventure. Awe leads us to cooperate and sacrifice for others and could be one of the most powerful paths to personal change and growth. Sounds like a perfect recipe for a fabulous relationship and fabulous sex life!!

Wonder With Ourselves:

In relationships, especially when it comes to sex, we would do well to continue to find ways to experience awe and wonder with ourselves and with our partner.

“Those in long-term relationships often see their sex life flatten, and eventually fade away, exiting with barely a whimper.”

But how? It’s not easy. Those in long-term relationships often see their sex life flatten, and eventually fade away, exiting with barely a whimper. It’s just gone.

Getting to that highly connected place takes communication and imagination!

Esther Perel, one of Oprah’s SuperSoul Top 100, discusses the magic when a woman feels safe with her partner, how this safety can amp up her desire and pleasure!

And pleasure leads to more desire for more pleasure—see how it’s all connected and circular? In her book Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski talks about this in easily understandable, revelatory language, sprinkled with humor and backed up by science. To desire sex, we have to be having sex worth having.

Talk About Fantasy:

Fantasy helps us get there—and talking about our fantasies with our partner helps us bond and bonding increases the sense of safety. Because we feel safe, we are willing to go on an adventure, which leads to pleasure, resulting in more desire because, well, because why wouldn’t we want more of what feels good?

“Sexual fantasy as ‘any mental picture that comes to mind while awake and turns you on.”

What a great cycle, right? And fantasies are integral to the process. In his book Tell Me What You Want, Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a sex researcher at the Kinsey Institute, defines sexual fantasy as ‘any mental picture that comes to mind while awake and turns you on.’ You know that feeling—you feel warmer, your pulse quickens, and you feel all tingly as blood flows to your genitals.

Dr. Lehmiller talked about fantasies to more than 4000 adults—50/50 women: men, 18 and over. The group was racially, politically, religiously, and educationally diverse.

Three Most Common Sexual Fantasies:

He found there are seven categories, but there is only space here for the first three!

  1. Multipartner Sex: 95% of men AND 87% of women have this fantasy.
  2. Rough sex, power, control themes (BDSM): 96% of women and 93% of men have this fantasy. Think of the 50 Shades of Grey series phenomenon!¹
  3. Novelty, adventure, and variety: anything unexpected, you’ve never tried before, in a new place, or in a place where there’s a chance of being caught.

“93% of fantasies are about the person’s partner.”

Fantasies Are In Your Mind:

These three themes reveal a desire to change things up—to avoid boredom, recover from predictability, have some fun! It reverses the trend of lower arousal, ups pleasure, and increases orgasm power! Keep in mind, fantasies are in your mind, and while they can be acted on, they don’t have to be to inspire awe and wonder.

Often couples talk about these fantasies and never act upon them but have a blast with the conversation—they say this conspiratorial conversation is enough to spice things up. They tell of how it invokes laughter which is an aphrodisiac! Oh, and 93% of fantasies are about the person’s partner. So, if you’re thinking about it with the person you care about, share it!!

What could be better for your sex life, your relationship, your partner and for YOU!?

“Put the ideas, requests, desires, into a bowl.”

Here’s Some Homework:

Make a ‘sex bucket list.’ Starter ideas:

  • What are three sex fantasies you have?
  • What are three sexual requests?
  • And what are three things you’d like me to do to please you?

Or create a Sex Idea Bowl. Put the ideas, requests, desires, into a bowl. When you make a date night, or anytime, take turns drawing ideas out of the bowl—whose ever turn it is wears a blindfold when selecting! Then enjoy, mix, repeat!!

And remember nothing is off limits for conversation. Research shows when nearing the end of life, people mostly regret the things they didn’t say or do. So, don’t hold back—use fantasy to recapture your Awe and Wonder!


¹It’s important to note, in these fantasies (rough sex, power, control themes (BDSM)), when fantasizing or even acting out being the submissive, women feel a sense of control. The CONTROL FACTOR is why this is NOT an indicator that women secretly desire to be taken against their will. No, no, no, not ever, never is that what this means! If you want to understand more, please contact me—I am happy to talk with you.

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Ronda Ray

About the Author:

Ronda is an Alchemist—she takes conventional thinking, social, and cultural norms around Sex, Intimacy, and Pleasure and turns them on their heads!  
She has a passion to help women (and more than a few men) reconnect to Pleasure and reawaken the truth of Pleasure as Our Birthright—yes, this is true for each and everyone of us. The awareness that there is no expiration date on pleasure has been helpful for women of all ages to realize they are built for pleasure—yes, this is true in the most literal sense: Women. Are. Built. For. Pleasure.
You can connect with Ronda by email at ronda@rondaray.com. This is where she loves receiving comments and currently schedules appointments.