Sex Alchemist Kuel Category Thought Leader: Ronda Ray
Sexual fantasies in long-term relationships aren’t a sign that something’s broken, they’re a powerful way to reignite connection, curiosity, and yes, real pleasure.
Let’s Talk About Awe, Wonder, And Sex:
Remember that electric moment when you first met your partner? The curiosity, the spark, the feeling of this could be something. That’s awe and wonder at work. According to Brene Brown in Atlas of the Heart, wonder makes us curious and open to learning. Awe nudges us toward connection and generosity. Together? They make for amazing relationships, and better sex.
But let’s be honest: in long-term relationships, that sizzle often fades into a flatline. Sex becomes an afterthought, or disappears entirely. No drama. No breakup. Just… poof. Gone.
So how do you bring it back?
Start With Curiosity, About Yourself:
Great sex doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts in your mind. With imagination. With emotional safety. Esther Perel says when a woman feels secure, her desire has room to rise. And as Come As You Are author Emily Nagoski explains: when the sex we’re having is worth having, our desire grows. It’s not magic—it’s a cycle.
Fantasies Fuel The Flame:
Fantasy is a key ingredient in reigniting sexual desire, especially in long-term relationships. And talking about fantasies? That builds trust, laughter, connection. It’s not about acting out every detail. It’s about bringing playfulness and intimacy back to the conversation.
Dr. Justin Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute defines a sexual fantasy as “any mental picture that turns you on while awake.” That heat in your chest, the quickened pulse, the tingle between your legs? That’s your body saying yes to your imagination.
Top 3 Most Common Sexual Fantasies:
Lehmiller surveyed 4,000+ adults—half women, half men—from all walks of life. The results? Sexual fantasies are shockingly common—and often about the person you’re already with.
1. Multipartner Sex:
95% of men and 87% of women report this fantasy.
2. Power play (BDSM themes):
96% of women and 93% of men.
Note: Fantasies involving submission are about control, not about wanting to be dominated against your will.
3. Novelty and Adventure:
New places, spontaneous encounters, or the thrill of maybe getting caught.
And guess what? 93% of people fantasize about their current partner.
So if you think something’s wrong with you? It’s not. You’re normal. And your relationship might just need a dose of permission.
How Sexual Fantasies In Long-Term Relationships Bring Desire Back:
Fantasies break the monotony. They disrupt the rut. Whether or not you act on them, they jumpstart arousal, deepen emotional connection, and bring the play back into partnership.
Some couples talk about their fantasies just to talk, and it’s enough. The laughter, the shared imagination, the mischievous conspiracy—it’s foreplay. And yes, laughter is an aphrodisiac.
Try This: A Midlife Sex Bucket List:
This isn’t about swinging from the chandelier (unless you want to). It’s about honest communication and choosing pleasure on purpose.
Your homework:
- What are 3 sex fantasies you’ve never shared?
- What are 3 things you’d love your partner to do for you?
- What’s one bold request you’re afraid to ask for?
Bonus Round:
Write them on slips of paper and put them in a Sex Idea Bowl. Take turns drawing one each week. Whoever draws wears a blindfold. The rest is up to you.
Don’t Wait For Regret, Use Fantasy To Rekindle What Matters:
You have nothing to lose but boredom. Don’t wait for regret to teach you to speak your desires out loud.
Use sexual fantasy to recapture your awe and wonder, and maybe, rediscover each other along the way.
Notes: ¹It’s important to note, in these fantasies (rough sex, power, control themes (BDSM)), when fantasizing or even acting out being the submissive, women feel a sense of control. The CONTROL FACTOR is why this is NOT an indicator that women secretly desire to be taken against their will. No, no, no, not ever, never is that what this means! If you want to understand more, please contact me—I am happy to talk with you.
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About the Author:
Ronda is an Alchemist—she takes conventional thinking, social, and cultural norms around Sex, Intimacy, and Pleasure and turns them on their heads!
She has a passion to help women (and more than a few men) reconnect to Pleasure and reawaken the truth of Pleasure as Our Birthright—yes, this is true for each and everyone of us. The awareness that there is no expiration date on pleasure has been helpful for women of all ages to realize they are built for pleasure—yes, this is true in the most literal sense: Women. Are. Built. For. Pleasure.
You can connect with Ronda by email at ronda@rondaray.com. This is where she loves receiving comments and currently schedules appointments.
