What Gets In The Way Of Our Erotic Sexual Identity

Sex, Aphrodite Awakening, Kuel Category Expert: Beth Keil 

For our Aphrodite to awaken, to be vibrant and fully self-expressed, it’s important for us understand what can get in the way of our erotic sexual identity, connection, and joy. 

Let’s face it, the culture we live in doesn’t encourage Aphrodite to be awakened, let alone expressed! This is apparent in the video narrated by Cynthia Nixon, “Be a Lady, They Said”.

It contains an endless list of contradictory messages and impossible standards for women. As you watch it, the contradictions are right in your face, to let you know there is no way in hell any of us can win at being “a lady”!  Instead, we become a part of a Goldilocks episode, never just right as we are.

(Side Note: While there are a few political overtones in it, it is my intention to share the message of these standards and scrutiny we’re under as women, which it powerfully does. I ask, whatever your perspective is, to take that with you.)

What Keeps Aphrodite Asleep or From Developing?

As children, seeds get planted in our subconscious mind through the words and actions of those around us; we then try to make sense of them. The problem is we do this with all the skills, maturity, and understanding of a little one! As you might imagine, what we perceive is not only limited, but we will make it all about us (“I did something wrong”, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not lovable.”), as young children do. Nonetheless, these perceptions run in the background and out of our awareness, making decisions for us as grown-ups.

These perceptions form what I refer to as “the root cause” of any issue we might have around sex and our sexuality, ANY ISSUE containing those subconscious perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and even the physical reactions we carry.   

Shame, Embarrassment, and Guilt Have Roots in Our Past.

We make judgments about our sexuality, our bodies, and our erotic desires and responses. As a result, we might not even know our wants, needs, and desires!  Becoming aware of them is the beginning of healing and transformation. We will begin to explore these roots, first from personal experiences, and then look at the larger overarching programming of this culture. 

What Messages Did You Get?

• Growing up, what was the most impactful message you remember getting about sex, your body, or sexuality?
• How old were you?
• Who gave you this message?
• What was significant about the message you were given?
• Take a moment and reflect on it and how it has shown up in your life.

Boys Only Want One Thing

When I was a young teen, my step-father would tell me, “Boys only want one thing.”  Even though I thought he was wrong about the boys I knew, he also made me afraid, that I would not be safe with them, let alone trust them. But the major message I got, the one that impacted my Aphrodite subconsciously for decades, was when I was about 13 years old. He was speaking to me and to my older sister, who was about 15 ½. He pointed to the walls of our apartment and said, “You see those yellow walls? If I hear you’re having sex or using drugs, you blood will be dripping down it.” Even now I can feel my 13-year-old self and the terror and fear she felt in that moment, and which persisted for decades. 

“How would I ever love sex?”

Surviving Survival Mode

It’s important to know, that in moments of strong fear or terror, we get thrown into survival mode where instant reaction patterns get started, or ones we already have get activated. What we perceive, as well as our thoughts and feelings (emotionally and physically), are quickly stored in the subconscious part of our mind, and are immediately cross-referenced for quick retrieval, helping us to survive in the future. It’s important to understand, that in these moments, we don’t consciously know all the information we’re taking in. 

My step-father gave no expiration date as to when he wouldn’t come after me; and if my blood was running down the wall, he would most likely kill me. It has only been in the last seven years or so, that I understand how deeply this experience impacted my sexual expression. It affected my feelings of desire and passion, and how I allow myself to surrender to my lover. How would I ever love sex?

It was during this time, that I came to understand that my step-father was afraid for my safety, that I might get pregnant, and given his upbringing and the decade we were in, lose my virginity.  Understanding where he might have been coming from didn’t change the subconscious fear and terror I was carrying; this happened through hypnotherapy, the work that I do, and my desire and need for my Aphrodite to finally awaken!   

“It’s A _______!”

The Three Words That Start It

There are other roots that impact awakening, ones that are part of very early cultural programming, which are important to look at so we can understand how much influence we’ve been under, and for how long. Our perception of ourselves starts the moment we’re born, when our sex is announced. Let me say, even if an ultrasound was done, it’s not the same as when it’s confirmed when the child is born!

As a nurse, I’ve been there welcoming over 200 babies into the world and I’ve seen a range of reactions to this announcement – from joy, surprise, disappointment, and once, “you got your son”, said in the most flat, emotionless tone I ever heard. How we’re welcomed has an impact, even if we don’t consciously remember the moment; both my training and work as a hypnotherapist has shown me this.

“Messages surrounding our body, if parts are labeled as bad, wrong for us to touch, or considered dirty, also seep into our subconscious mind, affecting our Aphrodite.” 

What About Down There?

As a baby when we touched “down there”, what were the messages of the grown-ups around us? I’ve seen hands removed, even hit, and infants and children scolded. Baby boys, before they’re going to pee, get an erection (if you’re a mom of daughters you might not know this!). As they grow up, they’re going to need to touch their penis or else they’ll pee everywhere; they have a reason to be touching themselves that we as girls don’t get (and patting or wiping yourself after you pee isn’t quite the same). Messages surrounding our body, if parts are labeled as bad, wrong for us to touch, or considered dirty, also seep into our subconscious mind, affecting our Aphrodite. 

The Schooldays Film and Your Rite of Passage to Womanhood

This is a great time to ask if you saw a film in elementary school, the one on getting your period? When I did, in fifth or sixth grade, it was for the girls only. The subliminal message is: This is something we need to keep secret from the boys and it is not polite conversation to publicly speak about “Aunt Flo”, or that “our friend” is in town. 

I don’t know what your experience was, but I got my period in the 70’s when I was twelve years old, and sanitary pads (“good girls” didn’t use tampons as they might tear the hymen so we might not be considered a virgin anymore!), and they were wrapped in brown paper, covering up (OMG) we were menstruating. 

The Subjective Message We Were Given

Because they were called sanitary pads, it was implied we were doing something that was dirty and we needed to be made clean. In being wrapped, the message was we needed to hide them and what our body was doing. Yes, they’re called feminine hygiene (aka: sanitary) products now, but it’s still the same message, worded differently.

So, my lovely sister, if you’re challenged in fully expressing your Aphrodite, to have her be and stay fully awakened, you are not alone!  None of us got here without messages and programming. There wasn’t something bad or wrong that we did. In fact, the people in our lives, who gave us those messages, got them passed on from someone else as well. You might have passed something on yourself. 

Now we have the opportunity to look at our roots and how we’ve been impacted, and now reclaim what is ours – our birthright of our Aphrodite Awakened!

I hope you’ll continue joining me for this great adventure!

Featured Photo Credit: ©Artifact Photography Studio

About The Author:
Beth Keil helps her clients change and transform their lives. She offers a special focus on helping people claim the birthright of their erotic identity and to live in the joy, intimacy, and connection it brings. Beth is a Registered Nurse, MindSet Coach, and a Board Certified Hypnotist. Through her work, she enjoys integrating all her interests, experiences, and skills to bring sensuality, sex, and the erotic into greater awareness and conversation. You can schedule a 30-minute complimentary phone consultation with Beth using the Discovery Session icon.