Positive Aging Thought Leader: Maria Leonard Olsen
It is hard to let go of our adult children.
Yet it is our job. We work through their childhood to help them learn how not to need us. And when they no longer really need us, it can hurt.
Letting Go Of Adult Children:
We start out as coaches for our children. Along the way, we shift into becoming advisors. When our children become adults, however, seldom do they want our advice. Unasked for advice is often taken as criticism.
I had to remember not to give any advice unless asked for it. I have had the experience of telling a loved one something and later determining that they were not the appropriate person who needed to hear what I was saying. Something that helps with this often is expressed in 12-step programs, i.e.,asking ourselves before we speak: Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said by me? Does it need to be said now?
Not Our Job To Save Them:
A therapist told me once that not allowing our children to fail was depriving them of learning opportunities. Our job is to give our children wings, to not need us. It is still painful to witness and experience, though. At times, it feels like watching a train wreck. I acknowledge that this is a dramatic characterization, but seeing my children hurt causes me deep pain. All of us want to save our children from pain, but sometimes it is not our job to save them.
The same therapist also told me the value of allowing our children to come to us. She said that if we give them space, they are more likely to come back to us. I found that counterintuitive advice, but it worked somewhat.
“She said that if we give them space, they are more likely to come back to us. I found that counterintuitive advice, but it worked somewhat.”
I also read books about parenting adult children, and attended online seminars about challenging issues that arise. I practiced meditation and journaled. I was still unprepared for the holidays that came last year.
Last Christmas was perhaps the worst holiday season of my life. I was under much pressure with work obligations and had taken too much responsibility for extended family holiday celebrations. My stress spilled out onto interactions with my family and my partner. It was awful.
I tried to apologize, but damage had been done. I wrote an 11-page letter to one family member, but did not send it.
The Mother Forgives:
I know their behavior was not kind and loving, either. But I am the mother and will forgive. I also realize that I am the safest person in my children’s lives, though my fear-based behavior may have made them question that at times. They know on a cellular level that I will love them no matter what happens. They possess a deep knowing that I give them unconditional love and acceptance. For that, I am proud and grateful.
It was that January that I went on my first somatic healing retreat, which helped me heal. I held space for my children and hoped that changing my energy would help them come back to me. It is working.
When I was on Holbox Island in Mexico after the retreat, I got a tattoo on my wrist to remind me of the lesson. A friend on the retreat had shared a Cecil Day-Lewis poem, called “Walking Away.” The poem explores a parent’s mixed feelings on their child’s growth, capturing the pain and pride in letting go. Cecil Day-Lewis was an Irish poet who served as Poet Laureate from 1968 to 1972. The line that struck me the most and that became my tattoo is “Love is proved in the letting go.”
I shed tears as I explained the significance of the tattoo to the tattoo artist. He cried, too, thinking of his relationship with his mother. Sometimes pain stemming from relationships with those we love hurts the most deeply. At times, we have to grieve losses. Grief has often been described as love with nowhere to go.
This experience of letting go reminds me of the acronym I learned in Al-Anon for the word LOVE. LOVE stands for Let Others Voluntarily Evolve.
“LOVE stands for Let Others Voluntarily Evolve.”
Evolving Parent-Child Relationship:
An example of a way I use this lesson is, instead of providing my thoughts on a particular issue, I say, “I’m curious. Tell me more about that.” Sometimes I add, “I cannot help you, but I know where you can get help.” The point is to allow our young adult children — and anyone else, really — to solve their problems themselves, unless they ask directly for advice.
An evolving parent-child relationship can be challenging. It can hurt deeply. It helps to cultivate non-reactivity. It helps to recognize that, when we are triggered by something, it is a sign that something within ourselves is unhealed and the need to work to heal whatever that may be.
We all make mistakes, but we do not have to continue making the same mistakes. We can learn how not to react, but to respond with love.
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About the Author:
Maria Leonard Olsen is an attorney, author, radio show and podcast host in the Washington, D.C., area. For more information about her work, see www.MariaLeonardOlsen.com and follow her on social media at @fiftyafter50. Her latest book, 50 After 50: Reframing the Next Chapter of Your Life, which has served as a vehicle for helping thousands of women reinvigorate their lives, is offered for sale on this website.
