Midlife Dating: Laurie Gerber
Knowing how to set dating expectations after 50 can mean the difference between feeling empowered or being disappointed again and again.
From the first impression, you are teaching someone exactly how to treat you. How you conduct conversations, what you ask for, how you listen, and what you speak up about are all more important in the first interactions than anytime after.
Most women over 50 are trained and conditioned to be “people pleasers” and keep the peace. Many of us were taught to “be nice,” “take things in stride,” “turn the other cheek,” “be patient,” and “if you don’t have anything nice to say….” which essentially equates to: “don’t speak up!”
And most of us discovered in peri-menopause that this nicey-nice way of life is unsustainable!
So dating sure has changed for us, huh? We must learn to speak up, in an elegant way.
If you’ve ever thought, Why does this person treat me like this?—rewind. Go back to the beginning. Did you “people-please” to keep the (short-term) peace? Did you ignore red flags? Did you let things slide, hoping they would magically change?
Here’s the truth: You train people how to treat you from the very beginning—whether you realize it or not.
How To Set Dating Expectations After 50 Without Compromising Your Confidence:
Men are not mindreaders!
If you don’t express what you want and don’t want, if you don’t confess your reaction to things, you send the message that you don’t mind certain things.
Did your date…
- Ignore your texts?
- Show up late?
- Talk non-stop?
- Say or send something lude?
- Push physical contact too soon?
- Say something offensive?
- Act dismissive or inconsiderate?
And did you say nothing?
If so, unfortunately, you just trained them that this behavior is okay. If you let these things slide now, don’t expect them to improve on the next date or in the relationship. In a vacuum of communication, the opposite is more likely.
Everyone has different standards for how to relate to people, but most people have a wide range of capability in how they treat others (think about how you act at church, or how you act when you are trying to impress someone, versus when nobody is watching).
If you want to bring out the best in people and show some self-respect, tell your date right away what your desires are, and what makes you feel respected and delighted.
How To Set the Right Expectations—From The First Date:
Here’s how to begin the training at the get-go.
1. Show What You Expect With Your Own Behavior:
If you want good conversation, ask open-ended questions and give positive feedback when they reciprocate. If you want a partner who respects your time, be punctual and set the expectation that they should be too. If you want clarity about how each of you feels it’s going, give it!
2. Speak Up When Something Feels Off
Someone shows up late with a poor excuse? Maybe you just met a jerk? Ok, abort the mission. But maybe you met someone who is off their game and needs to be nudged in the direction of mutual care. Most people expect others to tell them what they want, vs. having to guess.
Whatever you do: don’t you dare, swallow your thoughts and expect it to change on its own. If you do, it’s like hoping your kids will start putting their dishes in the dishwasher without being told, and trained! HA!! You are hoping in vain. Forget wishing for telepathy and learn to speak your mind.
Say something like:
“I am sorry if I sound like a stickler, trust me, I wish I wasn’t feeling this way. I really value being on time, and I was surprised by how late you were to our date. I am wondering if something happened or if I should interpret it as some sign about how you are feeling about me/us. I don’t want to make up anything. I’d just like to know what’s going on from your perspective.”
Or let’s say they talk over you the whole time? Try, “I’d love to hear more about you, but I also want to share a bit about myself.” This doesn’t have to be confrontational. It’s training people in real-time on how to interact with you through clear, polite communication.
3. Don’t Be Afraid To Walk Away:
Sometimes, the right person will need a little nudge in the direction of mutual care. But sometimes, they’re just not your match—and that’s okay.
A successful first date doesn’t mean just getting through it—it means assessing whether this person has potential for a meaningful relationship. If you’re seeing positive signs, great! If you’re feeling uneasy, don’t invest extra time hoping it will magically improve.
At the end of the day, you’re not dating to primarily train a stranger into basic decency. You’re focused on finding a good match. And sometimes, they just aren’t.
You deserve the best dates, the right kind of attention, and a relationship built on mutual respect. And it is possible with some awareness, planning, and accountability. I make a whole business out of supporting women over 50 in just that!
It starts with how you train people to treat you from that very first interaction and continues on, well, forever. And this is only one aspect of “dating like you mean it.” If you want more, watch here to learn how to vet well, even before you meet.
Here’s to happy dating!
Did you enjoy this article? Become a Kuel Life Member today to support our Community. Sign-up for our Sunday newsletter and get your content delivered straight to your inbox.
About the Author:
Laurie Gerber is a love and dating coach with 20 years of experience working with couples, individuals and groups. She’s been featured widely in print, on TV, radio, podcasts and been the resident love expert at Match, Zoosk, Jdate, and more. Laurie shares free training here. Her dating advice can be found at lauriegerber.com
