Wildly Imperfect: Elaine Blais
Perfectionism is a function of the system of patriarchy.
It serves to keep us, especially women, distracted and preserves power and status for men, particularly white men.
The Patriarchal Roots of Perfectionism:
It keeps our attention on being the perfect woman, mother, daughter, partner; having the ideal home, hair, and career. This need for perfection makes it impossible to dismantle a system that wreaks havoc on our lives. Consequently, we lose sight of our true selves and compromise our personal and collective well-being. We compete with each other and turn on ourselves.
This is not our fault, but it is ours to change.
The rules of perfectionism are complex and deeply woven into our lives. They tell us how we should think, look, and act. Who we should and shouldn’t be in the world. Perfectionism keeps us in a constant state of self-doubt and self-sabotage.
America Ferrera’s monologue as Gloria in the Barbie movie couldn’t have been a more perfect explanation of patriarchal perfectionism.
“It is literally impossible to be a woman…Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong…You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line.” [1]
“A perfectionist’s dream is to be perfect. There’s only one problem: she’s human.“
The Perfectionist’s Dream:
A perfectionist’s dream is to be perfect. There’s only one problem: she’s human.
Can we let go of this struggle that has so deeply clawed its way into our psyche? We can if we stop working on ourselves and just be ourselves.
In a 2015 article in Psychology Today, Dr. John Amadeo wrote, “‘I’m working on myself’ implies that we view personal growth as a process of dissecting, prodding, or poking ourselves to fit neatly into some vision of how we’d like to be. It implies that there’s a self that we don’t like or accept—or that we feel ashamed of.” [2]
This idea of working on ourselves is perfectionism. Yet, we are striving to perfect an imperfect self. We are led to believe there is a right way to live, and most of us, consciously or unconsciously are striving for that life. This belief also devalues our unique perspectives and gifts. There is no single right way to live. This is your life to live as you choose.
Unpacking The Inner Bias of Perfectionism:
How do we begin to disrupt the internal bias of perfectionism and reclaim our true selves?
1. Awareness:
Pay attention to where you are “working” on yourself. Begin to love these parts of you instead. This is a radical act of self-approval and it’s also a middle finger to patriarchal oppression through perfectionism.
We can only be our best selves when we embrace the whole of who we are.
“We become our best selves by accepting and loving every aspect of ourselves.”
2. Self-compassion:
Notice where you judge or criticize yourself. Be aware of your harshness towards yourself and be tender and caring instead. There is no shame in being you. We become our best selves by accepting and loving every aspect of ourselves.
As Louise Hay reminds us, “Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” [3] This changed my life.
3. Forgiveness:
It’s easy to look at your life in hindsight and think you should have known better. At the time, you didn’t. You have always done your best. Forgiving and letting go are the keys to breaking free to be our best and perfectly imperfect selves.
4. Taking Action & Living Authentically:
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, stop waiting. Your life is now. Everything you want begins and ends with you, now. There is no if, when, or someday when everything will be perfect.
Write the book. Take the trip. Leave the job. Take the class. Start the business. You’ll never be ready. Begin anyway. It may seem impossible. It could take time. Begin anyway.
“You’ll never be ready. Begin anyway.“
Your brain will tell you other things are more important. Don’t listen. It will feel uncomfortable and awkward. Do it anyway. Old habits will want to pull you back to your comfort zone. It’s okay. Take your time and keep going.
You’re not too busy. You’re afraid. It’s okay and okay to admit that. Fear will always come along because living is an adventure into uncertainty. Go. Go slowly. Take one small step at a time.
Do It Anyway:
You’ll feel scared and excited and vulnerable and imperfect. Do it anyway. You will make mistakes and learn lessons. Some things will go well. Some things will suck. Do it anyway.
This is what becoming your best self is all about; the journey of becoming. You will emerge stronger, bolder, and more confident. On top of that, you will have disrupted old patterns of perfectionism for yourself, and for all of us.
No one is perfect. No one has life figured out. And no one knows what they’re doing with their life. Don’t let the inner bias of perfectionism stop you from flinging wide the doors of your heart and stepping out into the light of your life. You are the one you’ve been waiting for.
[1] [Film] Barbie. Directed by Greta Gerwig, Warner Bros. Pictures, 2023. America Ferrera as Gloria.
[2] Amadeo, John, Stop Working On Yourself and Start Growing in a Deeper Way!, Psychology Today Online, 15 May 2015.
[3] Hay, L. L. (1999). You can heal your life. Carlsbad, CA, Hay House.
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About the Author:
Elaine Blais is Spiritual Life Coach, Imperfection Alchemist and author whose superpower is helping humans, primarily women, alchemize their perceived imperfections and turn them into strengths. Her signature program, The Art of Self-Approval™ is a pathway to breaking free from the chains of perfectionism and people-pleasing and unlocking your full potential.
After a quarter century in the corporate grind, and years of struggling with co-dependency and self-doubt, Elaine decided to leave behind what was expected of her and transform into the woman she wanted to be. So, at fifty-nine, she decided to write a new chapter in her life, literally. Her debut book, 3 Secrets to a Kickass Life, is a manifesto for those looking to live with intention and purpose. Elaine believes you can write your own story too.
