Midlife & Beyond Dating: Illa Lynn
Breaking dating patterns can feel overwhelming and it doesn’t have to be.
Did you ever date someone new and realize they shared the same annoying traits as someone else you had dated before? You might feel the same emotions and identical experiences despite your efforts to do things differently. It’s not unusual for this to happen.
Here is why:
Many singles fall into a pattern of attracting the same type of partner, even when they consciously try to choose otherwise. This happens because our attraction patterns are often driven by the unconscious, and not logic. However, once you recognize these patterns, you can break them—and finally experience the love you want and deserve.
“However, once you recognize these patterns, you can break them—and finally experience the love you want and deserve.”
What Keeps Relationship Patterns Repeating:
1. Unfinished (Emotional) Business:
Familiarity appeals to the subconscious. You might feel attracted to partners who make you work for love if you grew up with emotionally distant parents. Stable and predictable love might seem boring if chaos was normal in previous relationships.
In other words, your brain isn’t trying to sabotage you. It’s trying to “fix” the past by reliving similar dynamics and hoping for a different outcome.
2. Finding Comfort In The Familiar, Even When It’s Unhealthy:
It feels safe to do what’s familiar, even if it’s not healthy. When you’re used to inconsistency or emotional neglect, being emotionally available might seem strange or uncomfortable. It is for this reason that people often end a bad relationship only to enter another one that is equally harmful.
3. Our Choices Are Influenced By Our Beliefs:
You’ll attract partners who make you prove your value if you subconsciously believe you have to “earn” love. You will unconsciously choose people who reinforce your belief that relationships are always disappointing.
In order to break the cycle, we need to rewrite these inner stories and make different choices. Neurolinguist Programming is a modality that I frequently use in my practice and have found to be effective in rewiring subconscious patterns. Thanks to neuroplasticity and the neuroscience realm, we have learned that with effort and consistency, neural connections can be rewritten.
6 Ways To Break Your Dating Pattern And Make Different Choices:
1. Recognize Your Relationship Patterns:
Make a list of the good and bad characteristics of your past partners. Keep an eye out for recurring themes:
- Did they seem emotionally available or distant?
- Were you feeling secure or were you constantly proving yourself?
- Did you receive what you needed, or did you always give more?
By spotting patterns, you can break them more effectively.
2. Find The Root-Cause:
Consider asking these questions:
- How do these patterns relate to my past relationships?
- How does love keep showing up in my life?
- How much do I feel like I need to earn love?
Unresolved emotional wounds often reveal themselves in your attraction patterns. Getting to the root cause is how to begin the process of rewriting them.
3. Rewrite Your Relationship Blueprint:
Develop a vision for your ideal relationship.
- Who is your ideal partner (apart from their looks or career)?
- What do you want from a relationship?
- Do you believe that you are capable of loving?
If this vision feels out of reach, that’s a sign you need to shift your beliefs about love. You need to start looking at love and relationships through a fresh lens. Only then can you effectively break this pattern.
4. Question The Instant Attraction You Feel:
You know that intense spark you feel right away? It might not be a sign of true compatibility, but rather your subconscious recognizing an old pattern. Think:
- Is this person reminiscent of someone from your past?
- Are you feeling safe, or are you chasing them?
- Are you drawn to them because of their sexual appeal or because it feels familiar?
Remember that successful relationships develop over time and that this insta-attraction you might feel is more lust than love.
5. Slow Things Down And Observe:
Consider taking your time with a partner before rushing into a relationship based only on chemistry. Consistency is important:
- What are their actions? Do they live up to their promises?
- How emotionally available and communicative are they?
- Are they able to bring out the best in you?
Love is about emotional safety and mutual respect, not dramatic highs and lows, although you might be drawn to those types if you are wired for chaos and unpredictability.
“Love is about emotional safety and mutual respect, not dramatic highs and lows..”
Bonus Action Steps:
When you change your relationship with yourself, your attraction patterns change as well. You are less likely to tolerate unhealthy dynamics if you value yourself.
- You should speak to yourself with compassion as if you were speaking to a dear friend.
- Maintain high standards and reject anything that does not align with your value system.
- Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. If you socialize with couples, choose healthy role models. Read books, listen to podcasts, or invest in coaching to help you in this transition.
Breaking Dating Patterns Is Empowering:
Breaking patterns doesn’t mean blaming yourself. It’s about empowering yourself and unlearning the old ways. Throughout your life, you have encountered different situations, and now you know different options. It is time to act intentionally and rewrite your old love story.
Love isn’t about settling down or repeating old mistakes-it’s about choosing relationships that align with who you are becoming.
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About the Author:
Illa Lynn is a former corporate health care leader turned Life Coach who specializes in Relationship Coaching for women. In addition to her ten years of academic and professional training, she specializes in dating after 40. Specifically dating after divorce, or toxic love. Using her psychology background and intuitive nature, Illa helps women open up to love again. In three steps, Illa guides women to create lasting, authentic relationships founded on transparency, respect, and trust. Follow Illa on LinkedIN for more tips and tricks on dating.
