Divorce and Transitions: Mardi Winder-Adams
Think a friend or loved one is in an abusive relationship?
Discovering that a close friend or family member may be in an abusive relationship can stir up deep emotions of concern, confusion, and helplessness.
It’s a complex and painful realization, one that brings up more questions than answers. How can you help? What should you say? How do you approach the situation without making it worse?
When it comes to supporting someone in an abusive relationship, it’s important to recognize that your role isn’t about fixing the situation but about being there, offering nonjudgmental support, and helping your friend feel safe.
Abuse, in any form — physical, emotional, or psychological — creates an environment where the victim often feels isolated, unsure of herself, and afraid to reach out for help. This isolation makes it even more vital for her to have trusted people in her corner who can gently guide her to the resources and support she may need.
Recognizing The Signs Of An Abusive Relationship:
The first step in helping a friend you suspect is in an abusive relationship is understanding what might be happening. Abuse doesn’t always manifest in obvious ways.
In fact, many victims of abuse go to great lengths to hide their situation, either out of shame, fear, or a desire to protect their partner. The signs can be subtle, but they often include changes in your friend’s behavior or emotional state.
If you notice that your friend seems anxious, withdrawn, or unusually cautious around her partner, it could be a sign of trouble. Perhaps she suddenly avoids social situations or makes excuses for her partner’s aggressive or controlling behavior.
“The signs can be subtle, but they often include changes in your friend’s behavior or emotional state.”
These behaviors might seem small on the surface, but they can be red flags. Pay attention to any sudden changes in her confidence, happiness, or physical health. If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, trust that instinct. It’s always better to be cautious than to regret not reaching out later.
How To Approach The Conversation:
When approaching your friend, it’s essential to tread carefully. The last thing you want is to push her away or make her feel like you’re judging her. Start by creating a space where she feels safe, understood, and listened to. Remember, your friend may not be ready to admit that she’s in an abusive relationship, and forcing her to confront it before she’s ready can backfire.
Begin by expressing your concern in an authentic, non-judgmental, or accusing way. You might say something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed a little down lately, and I’m worried about you. Is everything okay?” Keep the conversation open and supportive, allowing her to share what she’s comfortable with.
If she opens up about her struggles, listen without interrupting. Validate her feelings by acknowledging how difficult the situation must be for her. Sometimes, just knowing that someone cares can be a lifeline.
If she denies that anything is wrong, respect her response but continue to let her know that you’re there for her. The key here is patience. Victims of abuse may feel ashamed or fearful of what could happen if they tell someone about their situation. Simply being a consistent source of support can make a difference when she is ready to talk.
Offering Support Without Pushing:
It’s natural to want to help your friend out of a dangerous or unhealthy relationship immediately, but it’s important to remember that the decision to leave is hers. Pressuring her to act before she’s ready can make her feel more trapped and isolated. Instead of pushing her to take immediate action, offer support in ways that reinforce her sense of control and empowerment. Let her know that you are there to help her with whatever she needs, whether that’s a safe place to stay, someone to talk to, or even just a break from the stress she’s experiencing.
Provide her with information on resources, such as hotlines, shelters, or counseling services, but do so gently. You might say something like, “I have some information that might help if you ever feel like you need it. No pressure, but I’m here if you want to talk.”
Reassure her that leaving an abusive relationship is never easy, and it’s okay if she’s not ready yet. Often, women in abusive situations feel a deep sense of fear or guilt about leaving, especially if their partner has manipulated them into believing they’re responsible for the abuse. By providing a non-judgmental space, you’re helping her reclaim her voice and her sense of autonomy.
Understanding The Psychological Impact Of Abuse:
Abuse, especially when it occurs over time, deeply affects a person’s psychological well-being. Many victims suffer from anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress. Their self-esteem may be severely damaged, and they may feel powerless to change their situation. The cycle of abuse often involves manipulation, where the abuser may alternate between affection and violence, making it even harder for the victim to leave.
“Reassure her that leaving an abusive relationship is never easy, and it’s okay if she’s not ready yet.”
It’s essential to understand that your friend may not see her situation clearly or may rationalize the abuse. She might believe that things will get better or that her partner will change. This can be frustrating to witness, but it’s important not to argue or criticize her choices.
Instead, continue to offer compassion, patience, and unwavering support. Let her know that you see her strength and that she deserves a relationship built on love, respect, and kindness.
Protecting Her Safety:
If you’re concerned that your friend’s safety is at immediate risk, it’s crucial to act with caution. Confronting her partner or attempting to intervene without her consent can escalate the situation. However, you can help her develop a safety plan, a strategy that will allow her to leave the relationship safely if she decides to do so.
Encourage her to think about where she could go if she needed to leave quickly, how she would get there, and who she could contact for help. Again, this needs to be done gently, as pushing her to act prematurely can make her feel overwhelmed or frightened. Remind her that there are people and resources ready to help when she is ready.
Taking Care Of Yourself:
Supporting a friend through an abusive relationship can be emotionally draining, and it’s essential to take care of yourself during this process. Watching someone you care about in pain can leave you feeling helpless or frustrated, especially if the situation persists for a long time. It’s okay to seek support for yourself, whether through counseling or talking to a trusted friend about your feelings. Taking care of your emotional well-being ensures that you can continue to offer your friend the support she needs.
Helping a friend you suspect is in an abusive relationship is an act of love, one that requires compassion, patience, and unwavering support. It’s not about rescuing her but about being a steady presence in her life, offering her the strength to find her own way out. Abuse thrives in secrecy and isolation, so the more you can gently remind her that she’s not alone, the more empowered she will feel to make the best decision for herself when the time comes.
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About the Author:
Mardi Winder-Adams is an Executive and Leadership Coach, Certified Divorce Transition Coach, and a Credentialed Distinguished Mediator in Texas. She has experienced her own divorce, moved to a new country and started her own business, and worked through the challenges of being a caregiver and managing the loss of a spouse.
Handling life transitions and pivots is her specialty! In her professional role as a divorce coach, Mardi has helped hundreds of women before, during, and after divorce to reduce the emotional and financial costs of the process. She is the founder of Positive Communication Systems, LLC.
