Parent Coach for Moms of Teens: Fern Weis
Navigating tough love with teenagers is a common concern amongst parents.
The old definition of tough love was, “No more, we’re done, you’re out of here.” Some kids turn things around after an ultimatum, but many don’t. Either way, the emotional fallout can last for years.
A mom shared that her 19-year-old son lives at home, doesn’t work or go to school, refuses to help around the house, and treats her poorly. Her well-meaning friends advised, “Kick him out.” That’s a drastic and heartbreaking decision.
“Tough love isn’t just hard on the kids—it’s tough on parents too.”
It’s Called Tough Love:
Tough love isn’t just hard on the kids—it’s tough on parents too. That’s why it’s called tough love.
The goal of consequences and boundaries is to help kids grow into capable, responsible adults. When kids act out, they’re usually struggling with something they don’t know how to fix. They may not even understand what’s wrong—only that they’re stuck and hurting.
It could be the need for clear boundaries, or it could be mental health issues or social pressures. Either way, starting with “kick him out” is reaching for the last resort first.
If you think this sounds soft, consider these questions:
- How happy are you with yourself, really?
- Where do you struggle? Everyone struggles with something.
- Do you carry emotional wounds from your own upbringing? Your parents did the best they could—how did that work out for you?
The Right Move In Navigating Tough Love With Teenagers:
Yes, you’re a functioning adult. But unhealed wounds show up eventually, and that’s not something you want to pass on to your kids.
Back to the mom and her son—what will he really learn if she kicks him out without trying other approaches first?
- She’s given up on me.
- She doesn’t understand what’s really going on.
- I’m alone and lost.
- What am I supposed to learn from this?
- Is this what love looks like?
Mom feels powerless. Kicking her son out might seem like the only option because she doesn’t know what else to do. And because everyone talks about tough love, maybe it seems like the right move.
When you feel helpless, it’s easy to make extreme, emotionally driven decisions.
Clear Boundaries:
Here’s the truth: You can’t control your child’s behavior, but you can control how you respond. That’s where your personal power lies.
“Your job is to prepare your child for adulthood by creating opportunities to develop responsibility, independence, and respect.”
When your child acts out, it’s time to strengthen your approach. Set clear boundaries and follow through consistently. You can be loving and firm at the same time.
Your job is to prepare your child for adulthood by creating opportunities to develop responsibility, independence, and respect. That takes time and practice. Seek support and guidance. Your child is counting on you to lead the way. There are many steps to try before resorting to tough love.
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About the Author:
Fern Weis is a Parent Empowerment Coach for Moms of Teens and a Family Recovery Coach. She’s also a wife, former middle school teacher, and the parent of two adult children who taught her more about herself than she ever could have imagined.
Fern partners with moms of teens and young adults, privately and in groups. She helps them grow their confidence to build strong relationships and emotionally healthier kids who become successful adults. She knows first-hand that when parents do the work, the possibilities for change are limitless; that it’s never too late to start; and you don’t have to do it alone. Learn more about Fern at www.fernweis.com. Schedule your complimentary Parent Support Call at https://calendly.com/talktofern/discovery-call. Ready for support? Apply for a complimentary 30-minute Parent Discovery Call at https://calendly.com/talktofern/discovery-call.
