Divorce and Transitions: Mardi Winder-Adams
We need to support children during a divorce. And depending on their age, you need to adjust the way you handle the situation.
Divorce can be overwhelming, chaotic, and deeply emotional. For parents, this storm comes with an added layer of responsibility: ensuring their children remain the focus of every decision made during and after the divorce process. Whether your children are toddlers, teenagers, or young adults, prioritizing their needs is crucial for their emotional well-being and development.
This isn’t easy. Divorce stirs up feelings of anger, grief, and fear, which can cloud judgment. However, keeping your children’s best interests at the center of your choices can serve as a steady compass, helping you make decisions that minimize harm and create a foundation of love, caring, and focus on the children now and in the future.
1. Young Children: Building Security In Uncertain Times:
For younger children, divorce can be confusing and even frightening. They may not fully understand what’s happening, but they feel the changes in their environment and routines. Children in this age group are particularly vulnerable to feelings of abandonment or blame, often believing that the divorce is somehow their fault.
“For younger children, divorce can be confusing and even frightening”
To support young children, create a predictable routine that makes them feel secure. Stability and regular, positive, loving interactions with healthy parents are their central needs. Whether it’s keeping bedtime rituals consistent or ensuring they still attend soccer practice every Saturday, these small routines make a big difference.
When explaining the divorce to young children, be honest but age-appropriate. Avoid blaming the other parent. Instead, use language like, “Mom and Dad are making a decision to live in different homes because we think it will be better for our family.” Reassure them frequently that they are loved and that both parents will continue to be part of their lives.
2. Teens: Balancing Autonomy And Emotional Support:
Teenagers process divorce differently than younger children. They are more aware of the complexities of relationships and may form their own opinions about what is going on in the family. Some teens might internalize their feelings, withdrawing emotionally, while others could act out in frustration or anger.
For parents, supporting a teen means balancing respect for their growing independence with the need to stay emotionally present. Open communication is key. Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. If they’re reluctant to talk, remind them you’re available when they’re ready.
Be mindful of not burdening teens with adult responsibilities, such as taking sides or acting as a mediator between parents. This can create “parentification,” a harmful dynamic where the child feels obligated to take on adult roles, often at the expense of their emotional needs. Teens need space to process the divorce without feeling like they’re responsible for fixing it.
3. Young Adults: Navigating Their Own Lives Amid Change:
It’s a common misconception that divorce doesn’t affect young adults because they’re “old enough to understand.” In reality, divorce can be upsetting and unsettling for college-aged children or those starting their own families. They may question the stability of their relationships or feel torn about how to divide their time between parents.
Young adults need reassurance that it’s okay to prioritize their own lives while also maintaining relationships with both parents. Keep them informed about major changes in the family structure, such as selling the family home or moving to a new city, but avoid pulling them into unnecessary drama. Just like younger children, they benefit from clear communication and a reminder that your love for them remains unchanged.
Why Keeping Children At The Center Matters:
The psychological impact of divorce on children can vary widely depending on how it’s handled. Research shows that children of high-conflict divorces are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and difficulties in their relationships as adults. However, when parents work together to reduce conflict and prioritize their children’s needs, kids can emerge from the divorce with resilience and emotional strength.
This principle is at the heart of the legal concept of the best interests of the child. Courts often use this standard to make custody and visitation decisions, focusing on factors like the child’s emotional needs, the stability of each parent’s home, and the ability of both parents to co-parent effectively. While legal professionals play a role in shaping these outcomes, your daily choices as a parent carry the most weight in creating a supportive environment for your children.
” Tools like co-parenting apps can help reduce misunderstandings and keep the focus on your children’s needs.”
Practical Strategies To Support Children During A Divorce:
1. Collaborative Co-Parenting:
Even if your relationship with your ex-spouse is strained, aim to communicate respectfully about parenting decisions. Tools like co-parenting apps can help reduce misunderstandings and keep the focus on your children’s needs.
2. Avoiding Conflict in Front of Children:
Heated arguments or negative comments about the other parent can leave children feeling caught in the middle. Save difficult conversations for private settings or professional mediators.
3. Seeking Professional Help:
Therapists and counselors can be invaluable for children of all ages during a divorce. A neutral third party gives them a safe space to process their feelings and develop healthy coping strategies.
4. Prioritizing Self-Care:
It’s hard to be emotionally present for your children if you’re depleted yourself. Take time to care for your own mental and physical health so you can show up as the parent they need.
A Commitment That Lasts Beyond Divorce:
Divorce is a transition, but your role as a parent is lifelong. By keeping your children at the center of your decisions, you lay the groundwork for their emotional health and well-being long after the divorce is finalized. Whether they’re five or 25, your actions now will shape how they view relationships, conflict, and resilience.
Remember, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Support is available, whether through counseling, co-parenting resources, or trusted professionals who can guide you through this journey.
This month is International Child-Centered Divorce Month. To access a wealth of free resources from divorce experts on how to help children through the process, visit https://www.divorcedparentsupport.com/. These resources are only available until January 31st.
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About the Author:
Mardi Winder-Adams is an Executive and Leadership Coach, Certified Divorce Transition Coach, and a Credentialed Distinguished Mediator in Texas. She has experienced her own divorce, moved to a new country and started her own business, and worked through the challenges of being a caregiver and managing the loss of a spouse.
Handling life transitions and pivots is her specialty! In her professional role as a divorce coach, Mardi has helped hundreds of women before, during, and after divorce to reduce the emotional and financial costs of the process. She is the founder of Positive Communication Systems, LLC.
