Kim Muench, Becoming Me Thought Leader
Is you adult child struggling with alcohol? The following is a real parent’s recent question for me… and, my advice.
“Help! I found a dozen empty liquor bottles in my 22-year-old daughter’s room. She’s living at home while going to college. At the moment she is visiting a friend out of state but I know I will need to address this when she returns.
Some background…I divorced her dad when she was 11. Her father was verbally abusive to us but especially critical of my daughter. He fought me for custody, it was ugly though I did win. She was with me on weekdays and her dad on weekends. There was depression during high school and despite counseling it continued.
History Of Alcoholism:
In 2020 my daughter began dating a meth addict who’d gone to prison for breaking and entering and theft. Both myself and her best friend tried to talk with her about this relationship and how unhealthy it was for her, she wouldn’t listen. Fortunately, in December 2021 he was sent back to jail and my daughter ended the relationship.
“There was depression during high school and despite counseling it continued.“
At this point I know my daughter is sleeping with random people she meets online, even going to their homes. I have been very vocal about my concerns for her though she does not listen, she thinks I am old-fashioned and out-of-touch, I am very worried about her safety.
There is a family history of alcoholism on both sides.
I am worried, I am appalled, I am scared for her. She is spiraling, and it’s no wonder based on what she’s gone through.
On the positive side, she is a very good student (though could be straight A’s if she weren’t abusing herself with alcohol), she also has a wonderful best friend with a good head on her shoulders and cares a lot about my daughter.
I appreciate your wisdom and would love some feedback.”
When Your Adult Child Is Struggling With Alcohol:
First, I want to acknowledge the immense weight you’re carrying. As parents, it’s natural to feel a deep desire to protect our children from harm, especially when we see them making choices that seem destructive. Your daughter’s journey has been fraught with pain and loss, and her coping mechanisms—though troubling—are rooted in this pain.
When addressing the discovery with your daughter, remember she’s likely in a state of emotional survival, masking her hurt and confusion with behaviors that may seem reckless or self-destructive. Your connection with her will be crucial in helping her find a healthier path forward, so it’s important to approach this conversation with compassion and curiosity, rather than judgment or anger.
“Your daughter’s journey has been fraught with pain and loss, and her coping mechanisms..“
Six Steps To Take When Your Adult Child Is Struggling With Alcohol:
1. Start with Empathy and Listening:
When she returns, find a calm moment to sit down together. Express your concern from a place of love, focusing on your observations without making it about right or wrong. You might say something like, “I’ve noticed a lot of empty bottles in your room and some things on TikTok that make me worried about how you’re really feeling. I’m not here to judge or blame, but I love you and I’m really concerned about you.”
The goal is to open a dialogue where she feels safe enough to share what’s really going on beneath the surface. She may resist or become defensive, but staying calm and grounded in your love for her is key.
2. Recognize Her Autonomy, While Setting Boundaries:
At 22, your daughter is an adult, and she’s making her own choices—however concerning they may be. Acknowledge this, while also being clear about the impact her behavior is having on the home environment. You might say, “I understand you’re an adult and free to make your own choices, though as long as you’re living here, I can’t ignore things that are harmful to you or potentially dangerous. Let’s talk about how we can find a way forward together.”
This opens the door for discussing boundaries and support without making it feel like an ultimatum.
3. Get Curious About Underlying Issues and Potential Supports:
Your daughter has been through significant trauma—her father’s behavior, an abusive relationship, and the tragic loss of a partner. It’s likely she’s using alcohol and risky behavior to numb deep emotional wounds. Gently suggest exploring professional support, but be mindful not to push too hard. Sometimes people are more open to help when they feel they have some agency in the decision.
You could ask, “Would you be willing to talk to someone who could help you process everything you’ve been through? I’m happy to help find someone if you’re open to it.” If she resists therapy, consider offering alternatives like a support group or even an activity she enjoys that could provide a positive outlet.
4. Encourage Small Positive Steps:
While it’s overwhelming to consider the bigger picture, start small. Encourage her to reconnect with activities or people that bring her genuine joy or comfort. Her close friendship is a bright spot; gently suggest spending more time with people who lift her up, rather than isolating in her room. If there are hobbies or interests, she once loved, see if she’d be open to revisiting those, even if it’s just a little bit at first.
“Encourage her to reconnect with activities or people that bring her genuine joy or comfort.”
5. Take Care of Yourself Too:
It’s easy to lose yourself in worry, especially when your child’s well-being is at stake. Remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Consider seeking support for yourself—whether it’s a therapist, a support group for parents, or simply friends who understand what you’re going through. Your steadiness and resilience will be stronger when you’re taking care of your own needs, too.
6. Focus on Connection, Not Control:
It’s natural to want to “fix” things, but your daughter is ultimately in control of her own life. What you can do is stay connected—show her that you see her, love her, and believe in her ability to heal and grow, no matter how hard things seem right now. Keep the lines of communication open, even when it feels like you’re not getting through. Sometimes, just knowing that someone is there and unwavering in their support makes a bigger difference than we realize.
You’re in a tough spot, but you’re also showing an incredible amount of strength by facing this head-on with care. Keep trusting in your love for your daughter and stay hopeful that, with time, she can start to find her way back to a healthier place.
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About the Author:
Kim Muench (pronounced minch, like pinch with an “m”) is a Jai (rhymes with buy) Institute for Parenting Certified Conscious Parenting Coach who specializes in working with mothers of adolescents (ages 10+). Knowing moms are the emotional barometer in their families, Kim is passionate about educating, supporting and encouraging her clients to raise their children with intention and guidance rather than fear and control. Kim’s three plus decades parenting five children and years of coaching other parents empowers her to lead her clients into healthier, happier, more functional relationships with compassion and without judgment.
You can find out more about her mission and services at www.reallifeparentguide.com. She is on Facebook at Real Life Parent Guide, Instagram, and on LinkedIn as well.
