Parent Coach for Moms of Teens: Fern Weis
Let’s talk about how to stop pushing your teen away. Have you ever asked what you thought was a harmless question, and suddenly things escalated?
The So-Called Innocent Questions:
That’s because so-called innocent questions often carry hidden concerns or anxiety — and your teen picks up on it instantly. You think you’re approaching with curiosity and positive intentions, but there’s frequently an underlying agenda you may not realize. Often, it’s your own fear or need for control showing up in the conversation.
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a supposedly innocent question and felt judged or cornered, imagine how your teenager feels hearing it. Just because something feels ‘innocent’ to you doesn’t mean the other person hears it that way. More often than not, they’re picking up on your true intention.
“Even though it’s unintentional, these comments and questions can sound critical.”
It’s your own worries at play, or your need to be right. Think back to how irritated or defensive you’ve felt when someone else questioned you in that way, and you’ll understand your teen’s reactions.
Irritation And Resistance:
Even though it’s unintentional, these comments and questions can sound critical. While you only want the best for your child, constant nagging, frequent check-ins, and those ‘innocent questions’ come across as pushing your agenda. That’s when your teen reacts with:
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “Enough. Stop nagging.”
- “I thought I had this under control. Should I be worried now?”
- “This is exactly why I don’t tell you anything!”
These innocent-sounding questions can signal that you don’t trust your teen to handle things on their own. Essentially, it feels like you’re saying, “You can’t do this without me hovering over you.” Is that really the message you want to send?
No surprise then, if you’re met with irritation and resistance. It’s a fast track to eroding trust between the two of you.
How To Stop Pushing Your Teen Away:
Another angle to consider: you may be fishing for information. Take the question, “Did you finish that report?” You might expect a simple yes or no. But for your teen, it’s not that simple.
What they’re really hearing is, “I haven’t seen you working on it. I have to check on your progress, what you did or didn’t do. If you’re behind, I’ll have to remind, nag and lecture to light a fire under you, so I can stop worrying about your grades and your future.”
“Another angle to consider: you may be fishing for information.”
It may sound harsh, but if you’re honest, you’ll likely recognize this dynamic. Of course, there are times when your child genuinely needs reminders. But there’s a better way to approach these situations.
3 Supportive Questions To Try:
Statement of observation: “I noticed you’re avoiding that report.”
Supportive, open-ended questions:
- “What would help you right now?”
- “Who could you ask for support?”
- “What feels like the hardest part about getting started?”
Your goal is to encourage your teen to develop problem-solving skills and greater self-awareness. By asking open-ended, genuinely curious questions, you invite collaboration instead of conflict. This approach also builds trust, showing your teen that you believe in their ability to manage their responsibilities.
So next time you feel the urge to ask an “innocent question,” pause and reframe it. Choose curiosity over control and watch your conversations — and your relationship — transform.
Action Step:
If you’ve noticed that your questions push your teen’s buttons, it’s a sign that there’s room for improvement in how you communicate (if you want better results, that is).
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About the Author:
Fern Weis is a Parent Empowerment Coach for Moms of Teens and a Family Recovery Coach. She’s also a wife, former middle school teacher, and the parent of two adult children who taught her more about herself than she ever could have imagined.
Fern partners with moms of teens and young adults, privately and in groups. She helps them grow their confidence to build strong relationships and emotionally healthier kids who become successful adults. She knows first-hand that when parents do the work, the possibilities for change are limitless; that it’s never too late to start; and you don’t have to do it alone. Learn more about Fern at www.fernweis.com. Schedule your complimentary Parent Support Call at https://calendly.com/talktofern/discovery-call.
Request your free communication guide, “10 Things to Avoid Saying to Your Teen… And What to Say Instead.” https://fern-weis.mykajabi.com/10-things
