Midlife Pleasure: Ania Grimone
Orgasmic? You say you don’t orgasm, but do you?
I find it curious that we can embrace so much variation on what it means to be successful, or happy, or fulfilled, or the reverse for that matter, but largely accept that there is a one and only definition of orgasm that has become a holy grail of sexual encounter.
Scientific textbooks describe it as a pleasurable release of sexual tension accompanied by involuntary contraction of muscles. Yawn. Is this what we are so worked up about?
Popular Understanding Of Orgasms:
Popular understanding of orgasms is that it is a release that is “supposed” to happen at the end of intercourse or solo self-pleasure session, and it is a marker of a “successful sexual encounter”. It should look and sound like what we have seen in porn or in Hollywood movies, as in the sensation of peak pleasure with subsequent decline in sensitivity.
“It seems that our anatomy of pleasure is design to … give us pleasure.”
The trouble is that this understanding of orgasm is primarily based on a male model. It assumes that women’s orgasms work the same way. Only they don’t.
While for most men orgasm is simultaneous with ejaculation and the contraction of the muscles help propel sperm out, in women this serves no evolutionary purpose at all.
It seems that our anatomy of pleasure is design to … give us pleasure. We don’t need to orgasm to become pregnant. We also have a capacity to have multiple orgasms, which most men, unless adept practitioners of Tantric or Daoist arts, cannot.
Shift In Awareness:
This attachment to a male model squeezes the female orgasmic experience into a teeny tiny box.
I will propose to you a different, much more expansive model. Consider letting go of what you know orgasm to be, and playing with an orgasm as a union of pleasure + surrender + shift in consciousness = orgasm.
With this simple shift in awareness, all of the sudden every moment in which you are able to feel sensation of pleasure, surrender to it and receive it, and be present and connected to yourself, to your partner, and to the present moment is orgasmic.
“But it all starts with pleasure unbound, without judgment.”
Orgasm as an event is no longer an end all, be all. You now have access to the whole array of orgasmic states that can last from mere seconds to minutes, hours, and even days.
You can experience anything from mild waves of pleasure, mild orgasmic state with many waves, peak orgasm, multiple peak orgasms, plateau orgasms with altered state of consciousness, meditative orgasmic state, all the way to what French describe as le petit mort or “the small death”, in which you can lose consciousness for a few minutes because of the intensity of the experience.
But it all starts with pleasure unbound, without judgment. No more thinking: is this pleasure enough, is it good, should I be feeling more, why isn’t it building, why can’t I peak, etc.?
A Mini Orgasm:
When you can feel pleasure, allow it, surrender to it, accept it, and become so present that there is nothing else, magic happens. The pressure of performance is gone. The expectations of an outcome (which is very anti-orgasmic) evaporate, and every moment of pleasure however tiny, can became a mini orgasm.
“Here sex can become a vessel to feel good, to connect, to meet yourself, and to experience the raw beauty of life.”
Instead of looking at your body as broken, or difficult, you start shifting your identity into a multi-orgasmic woman, which guess what, makes you more orgasmic.
There is no more avoidance, feeling like you don’t want to engage in sex, because you don’t want to work so hard for a few seconds of release. Here sex can become a vessel to feel good, to connect, to meet yourself, and to experience the raw beauty of life. Not just the finale, but all of it.
And a bonus? Orgasms become available outside of the bedroom.
A meal, an interaction with a client or a walk in the woods can become orgasmic as long as it combines those three ingredients: pleasure + surrender + shift in consciousness. This creates a source of raw fuel that begins to sustain you on all levels. The more orgasmic you feel, the more orgasmic you become, the more orgasmic your life becomes.
8 Ways To Cultivate An Orgasmic Attitude:
Here is how you can cultivate an orgasmic attitude:
- Relax. Single most important “technique” for orgasming.
- Stay present and aware. Cultivate inward flow of attention. What is happening In your body.
- Stay open and detached from what it should look or feel like.
- Be patient.
- Trust your body and surrender. Let go of controlling the process.
- Be courageous. During sexual exploration, practicing surrender etc, stuff will come up. Maybe memories, grief, trauma, strange sensations. This is good. The body feels safe enough to begin healing.
- Celebrate every little win.
- Accept that this is a process, and like your orgasmic peaks and valleys it will go up and down.
Did you enjoy this article? Become a Kuel Life Member today to support our Community. Sign-up for our Sunday newsletter and get your content delivered straight to your inbox.
About the Author:
Ania, MS, L.Ac., CPCC, is a clinician of Chinese medicine, as well as Certified Professional Co-Active Coach, Health, and Sex Coach. She blends the most cutting-edge behavioral science with principles of Chinese medicine, Daoism, Tantra, and somatic experiencing, to heal and harness the power of female sexuality.
She is a founder of Venus Core Leadership, teaching women a new way of being. Sensual, embodied, regulated, and filled with pleasure.
She is passionate about reconnecting women to their deep wisdom, and innate, natural sexual core, as a source of aliveness, creativity, and joy. Regardless of age.
Ania invites you to visit her website at www.venuscoreleadership.com and join her list (there are some yummy goodies there). She will be announcing shortly a three part series, Beautiful Undoings, helping women recover from loss, betrayal, or divorce. And as usual, she invites questions and comments. We heal and rise in community. Please share this article if you know a woman, who can benefit from it.
