Mr. Toys r Us and when I say toys, I mean TOYS!

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Guest Blogger: Sixty And The City

Several years ago, I met a really nice man on one of the sites. I had finally grown up to some extent and realized that tall, dark, and handsome wasn’t key. Well, those flavors were still of interest but I finally drilled it into my head that looks don’t make the man. Well, they do sort of but hey at this age – charming, smart, menschy, and shared interests goes a long way. Geez for someone whom I consider to be intelligent, me, why did it take so long to figure that one out?

Anyway, Scott was nothing much in the looks department but importantly, he was charming, super smart, very successful, kind. true culture vulture, well traveled etc and he thought I was fab! l told you he was smart.  

I should  interject here that one of the biggest turn ons for me is intellect. Sorry, yup am a snob and not being able to talk to someone on the same intellectual plain or better yet higher; turns me off. Hold the turn off part for now.  

I have absolutely almost no recollection of our first date. First kiss: a little sloppy but I figured that I could give a brief tutorial at some point. Question: why are some men fabulous kissers when others are not great and some horrible? Why is there not a kissing school? Maybe that could be my next business. Thoughts?  

Our 2nd date, he invited me to do Jewish Christmas. For those unaware of this custom,  it translates to movies and Chinese food while our Christmas observing friends gorge themselves on carbs and watch football. Now, Scott was not familiar with NYC; having lived in Boston for many years. Well, NYC has one of the largest Jewish pops in the world so going to the movies on that day requires the strategy usually confined to planning an amphibious landing in enemy territory. 

He didn’t order tickets earlier so our timing was off. Hold the timing thought, too. We had time to kill so we went to a Starbucks and out of nowhere, he said that he had recently been very ill. He dropped that bomb; but didn’t give many details. Normally I come from the I need to know every little thing school of thought. Not this time, if he wanted to discuss further he would. For once, I wasn’t going to be a hocker Yiddish 2008 as dog with a bone with an insatiable need to know.  

Naturally, i said that I was sorry to hear about his illness. Clearly, there was something rattling loose in my head as I burst out with “are you dying?”   GEEZ am I an insensitive idiot?  What could i have been thinking? Tactful NO. I was horrified. He thought it was funny and said not imminently. For. a moment of magical thinking, I was hoping he was a hypochondriac and had a bad ingrown toenail. LOL, we all know many men take to their beds with a simple head cold so… 

Saw the movie to which I paid no attention as I was obsessed with the earlier convo. We got to the restaurant and  Scott said that we both would need wine to hear the story. HOLY SHIZZ!   He started explaining to me the nature of his illness. I don’t want to go into the details as it seems unseemly to do. Yes; me not spilling every gross detail. Wow, but just can’t. Am sure there are plenty of you that know what specific ailment he had. 

###disclaimer all the names in my blog posts have been changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent. 

The good news was that he was in remission and the bad news as he put it was he was mostly impotent. Is that like being half pregnant? NO, I did not say that.  

Having been virtually silent, yup, me silent. That information shocked me out of my stupor enough to ask why he was telling me this on our second date. I had no intention of getting to know him in that way for awhile especially after the soggy kisses.  

His reasoning was that he had told several other women and they bolted for the door. I felt sorry for him because for a man this had to be devastating. Compounding that was constantly having to tell the story. I have to say though my curiosity had been piqued. 

The wheels they were turning: ok, who cares about sex? He’s great and is very charming and sex is not that important. The flip side of it was that I was maddeningly curious about what sex would be like with someone with his issues 

Time passed and it came to the point where I couldn’t say no anymore. Who dictates the amount of time where one has to be involved to get the horizontal cha cha on the program? I had run out of excuses and yes, even though I sort of had that need to know, I was also turned off and distinctly queasy  

He had  a very large bedroom with one of those headboards that had built in storage. Out of the headboard came a large pink bag. Am still in dumb dumb mode?  He started emptying the contents of the bag onto the bed. It was toys r us via the pleasure chest with a soupçon of the marquis de Sade’s playbook thrown in. It started to be somewhat clearer why those other women had run.

Had never in my life seen such contraptions and yes, have been to the pleasure chest with my gay friends who were happy to take me because they thought my being so curious was cute. Cute, my tush.  

What was  my first question when presented with this cornucopia of crap? Are these new? Yup, that’s what I asked as I wanted to make sure I wasn’t getting someone else’s toys; at least not this kind of toy. I flashed back on cleaning my baby’s toys after some other baby had drooled on them. VOMITUS in relation to these toys,

Anyway, the evening progressed and it was something out of a movie because there was a never ending supply of toys and more toys and he was more than happy even gleeful to explain all the toys. All I wanted was for him to shut up. He was surprised at my reticence aka NO F’IN WAY>   

By now, i was in full tilt ‘what in hell do I do?’ mode. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and aside from the sex part, the relationship was quite enjoyable. So throwing caution to the wind, i decided to give it a whirl. Clearly, my vision was cloudy which could have been caused by all those pink shiny bright metal toys. 

Hell, i’m a nice middle aged lady, this was not what I signed on for but still I was intrigued and having always professed to not having an uptight bone in my body, I took a very deep breath and tried to get into the groove. 

First of all:get into the groove might be the stupidest expression of life, just saying
now only wasn’t i grooving i was in freaking mode!   

What to do what to do? Do i just give up one of life’s better pleasures and great stress mitigators or learn to like toys which btw, kids there is no end to toys. And yes, I know that sex can take many forms but the horizontal cha cha was my fave and sort of needed to be on the menu.

The biggest issue was that for the first time since forever, I genuinely liked someone. But this was not working on any level for me and I kept thinking I had to break it off but between not wanting to be “mean” and a genuine affection for this guy I was torn 

Not long after, we’re at pre show dinner,  he said to me that even though he liked me and I was funny and pretty and WTF was he blowing me off, pun intended? He had decided that my life was too complicated. I was taken aback as yes, I had a lot going on with being a single mom and all that but my life COMPLICATED??   COMPLICATED!!!!!

Here was a man who had to bring a bag of tricks to the bedroom but my life was complicated. I was FURIOUS and hurt because I had given it a try and was nothing but kind. Ok, I did make tons of excuses to avoid bedroom time. Well, so much for being nice. No good deed goes unpunished. Only kidding on some level but much of what kept relationship going was my desire to not cause him pain and that we genuinely liked one another. The fact that he had just figuratively clocked me upside of my head caused me to feel not only hurt but also to feel like a sap. On top of saying this to me and seeing my reaction he wanted to go see the play together. HELLS TO THE NO, my dear.  

What did I learn?

Beware of men bearing big pink bags filled with toys. Know thyself and admit when something sexual is just not for you, Doesn’t make one uptight. It just makes one feel empowered. Then again, you go girls if toys are your thing!!!!

Update: yesterday, major coincidence: Scott appeared on my instagram as suggestion of someone i might want to connect with. Not happening but was happy to hear that he is alive and well and married so he did find the girl who liked those toys. 🙂

End result of six month interlude with Scott forever known as Mr. Toys R us was no desire to date for fear of getting into another wackadoo experience like this and of course, of getting hurt. Didn’t go on a date for almost 4 years. No LIE!

 

 

 

 

 


About the Author:

Ellen lives and works in NYC. Her blog Sixty And The City takes us on a poignant and funny ride of the dating scene after 60. Follow Sixty And The City on Instagram and stay tuned here on Kuel Life for more anecdotes. This blog has been reposted with permission from  Sixty And The City.

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