Sexy trends from the ’80s taught us to please men, punish our bodies, and call it empowerment, with a side of baby oil and shoulder pads.
There was a time when slathering ourselves in tanning oil and frying on tin foil made us feel like goddesses. Frosted lipstick. Marlboro Lights. Mesh shirts. Sassoon jeans so tight you needed a shoehorn to breathe. That was the ’80s, and we were certain we were hot.
Spoiler alert: we weren’t.
Sexy, back then, was about performance. It had very little to do with actual pleasure, and everything to do with being seen, approved of, desired, picked. The rules were unwritten but crystal clear: thin was mandatory, smiling was strategic, and wanting something for yourself was suspect.
Now, from the unapologetic perch of midlife, we can finally say it: most of that sh*t was ridiculous.
10 Cringe-Worthy “Sexy” Things We Thought Were Cool In The ’80s:
1. Aqua Net Hair Helmets:
We didn’t style our hair, we encased it in lacquer. The bigger, the better. Your bangs doubled as a self-defense weapon and a weather shield. One wrong move near a candle and you risked spontaneous combustion.
2. Low-Rise Sassoon Jeans:
These jeans had one job: make you look good standing still. Sitting, breathing, eating, or being human? Optional. We traded comfort and health for a silhouette. Ask any gynecologist; we paid the price.
3. Guys in Mesh Shirts and Gold Chains:
Picture this: a perm, an open mesh tank, a gold chain nestled in chest hair, and enough cologne to fumigate a small village. That was the peak male aesthetic, and somehow, we fell for it.
4. Baby Oil + Sun = Sexy Tan:
We weren’t sunbathing, we were rotisserie chickens. SPF was for the weak.. Only about one-third of U.S. adults wear sunscreen regularly now. We were actively cooking ourselves for sport.
5. Phil Collins Slow Dances:
We sobbed through middle school slow dances to “Against All Odds”, drenched in emotional sweat and bad perfume, convinced melancholy was romantic. Spoiler: it was just depression with a soundtrack.
6. Cosmo Sex Tips:
Cosmopolitan once advised soft-bite scrotum massages, pepper-sprinkle sneezes, and donut holes around penises. The clitoris? Not even a cameo. Interrobang preserved some of the worst tips. We believed them.
7. Backseat Hookups in a Pontiac:
Uncomfortable. Awkward. Often unsafe. We weren’t ready. We didn’t ask questions. We called it normal because no one told us what good sex actually looked like, especially for us.
8. The Virgin/Slut Binary:
You were either saving yourself or giving it away, and either way, it was never really yours. No nuance. No ownership. Just a scoreboard you didn’t ask to be on.
9. Diet Culture = Sexy:
Tab, SlimFast, Dexatrim—we consumed them like holy water. Dexatrim was even later linked to heart issues. At the time, it was just another thing you hid in your purse.
10. Being Chosen Over Choosing:
We grew up thinking being desired was the goal. Not desire itself. Not self-worth. Just the hope that someone, somewhere, would look at us and say yes.
Sexy Trends From The ’80s Were Never Ours to Define; Until Now:
Let’s be clear: none of these trends were designed with us in mind. They were about being tolerable, desirable, and disposable. We didn’t own sexy; we borrowed it. We rented it from culture, from men, from outdated magazines. And the rent was way too damn high.
But midlife changes the terms.
Now, sexy is doing what the hell you want. It’s wearing red lipstick because you feel like it, not because someone’s watching. It’s lifting heavy at the gym, sleeping in good sheets, paying your own bills, and not giving a single damn what someone else thinks.
Sexy is a choice. And finally, it’s ours to make.
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