Midlife & Beyond Dating: Illa Lynn
This is for you if you are avoiding opening your heart to love due to your belief that you need to heal first.
Perhaps you have been hearing that before you enter a relationship you need to learn to love yourself first. You need to do some inner work and healing, so you don’t keep falling into the same patterns.
I know, same old recycled advice and you are getting tired of it.
“We all can agree that life is full of twists, turns, and unexpected detours.”
And while I do agree that healing and rewriting your pattern is important before you enter into a next relationship, there is another aspect of healing that is crucial for the whole process to prove effective.
We all can agree that life is full of twists, turns, and unexpected detours. It’s therefore vital to recognize that healing is a multi-faceted process that unfolds in a number of layers. Some of those are healing alone, as well as healing with a partner in a relationship.
Both are intricate, demanding patience, self-compassion, and a deep understanding of the profound nature of healing. Healing never stops, in my humble opinion, so it is not fair to beat yourself up over the fact that you still feel the feelings all whilst attempting to justify that you should be further along than you are. As you do the work, you uncover more and more layers of yourself that need to be tended to and depending on how deep your scars are it can seem like a never ending effort. But don’t get discouraged my sweet friend.
Healing Alone: A Personal Odyssey:
The first layer of healing often begins with a courageous solo expedition into the depths of one’s own being. It’s about confronting the shadows, peeling back the layers of yourself, and allowing yourself to feel, grieve, and to unlearn. This level is not a sprint, but rather a marathon, and it’s important to acknowledge that the road may be rocky, sending you through peaks and valleys of the unknown.
Healing alone involves creating a safe space within your own heart to explore the wounds of the past. It’s a journey of self-discovery, where you learn to be your own anchor, supporting yourself through the storms. Remember, healing is not about erasing the scars, but transforming them into a source of strength. You might convince yourself that you need to do this on your own, non-attached, but that is a trap many fall into on their healing journeys.
As you embark on this personal odyssey, it’s crucial to understand that triggers are not enemies but rather hotspots on a map showing you which parts of you still need healing. Think of them as gentle nudges from your inner self, urging you to pay attention and offering an opportunity for growth. Triggers illuminate the unhealed corners of your soul, inviting you to extend compassion toward those wounded parts. And to learn to love and accept them as imperfect as they might be.
Give yourself permission to feel, even when it’s uncomfortable. Lean in, rather than deflecting and running away when things get uncomfortable. This process involves revisiting old wounds, and that process can be messy. Allow the tears to flow, let the emotions surface, and embrace vulnerability as a gateway to transformation. The less you resist the easier it will become to open your heart and feel the expansive nature of surrender.
“Healing within a relationship requires a shared commitment to vulnerability, understanding, and growth, just as healing alone does.”
Healing Inside A Relationship: A Dance of Vulnerability:
A level of healing that is rarely discussed is extending the healing process inside relationships. Healing within a relationship requires a shared commitment to vulnerability, understanding, and growth, just as healing alone does. You might be reluctant to trust someone after experiencing heartbreak, and you might be trying to protect yourself by not letting them in, let alone spilling your deepest secrets.
The foundation for rebuilding trust and connection is open, honest, and compassionate communication, which can be learned. Be honest and vulnerable with your partner, explain your needs, and create a space where both people feel heard and understood. The goal is not to point fingers, but to understand how past wounds are still affecting you today and how they can impair the deeper emotional connection you are attempting to build.
Natural Part Of The Journey:
In the dance of healing while in a relationship, it’s crucial to approach triggers with curiosity rather than defensiveness. When a trigger arises, view it as an opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other. Ask questions with genuine curiosity and listen with an open heart.
Remember, triggers are not roadblocks; they are invitations to explore the uncharted territory of each other’s hearts. Most of us have been programmed to react to the obnoxious things our partners do or say, but I want to invite you to explore another way to receive this information.
Patience is a virtue in this phase. Healing within a relationship takes time, as both partners navigate the ebb and flow of emotions. It requires acknowledging that progress may be slow, and setbacks are a natural part of the journey. Don’t be afraid to trigger each other. Celebrate the small victories, no matter how seemingly insignificant they may appear, and honor the courage it takes to show up and be vulnerable in the eye of a conflict. Agree to disagree.
Wayne Dyer once said “ in a relationship in which two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.”
How Are You Reciprocating?
Let that simmer for a moment. What comes up for you?
“It is all about the Journey and what you learn along the way.”
Explore this one level deeper within yourself and reflect back on your past and your current relationship if you are in one. How does your partner help you get to know yourself better? How are you reciprocating?
When you embrace that healing doesn’t just happen in solidarity, but you welcome your partner onto this journey with an open heart and open mind, you can uncover the ancient secret to mending your broken heart and overcoming the past. Above all you learn to accept that the healing process is non linear and that with every layer you are taken deeper and deeper, because it is not about the destination at all.
It is all about the journey and what you learn along the way.
Embrace The Nature Of Healing:
It’s crucial to embrace the nonlinear nature of healing, both individually and within relationships. Healing is not a straight line; it’s a mosaic of experiences, emotions, and revelations that come together to form a beautiful tapestry of growth.
As you navigate the twists and turns of healing, be gentle with yourself and your partner. Understand that healing is not about perfection, but progress. There will be moments of joy and moments of pain, and both are integral to the journey.
Celebrate the resilience within you and your relationship. Acknowledge the courage it takes to confront the past and the commitment to a future built on mutual understanding, love, and growth. In the tapestry of healing, every thread, whether light or dark, contributes to the richness of the whole.
Remember, my dear friend, healing is a journey that unfolds in its own time. Embrace the process, savor the moments of growth, and trust that, like a flower in bloom, your heart and your relationship will flourish in the light of compassion and understanding.
About the Author:
Illa Lynn is a former corporate health care leader turned Life Coach who specializes in Relationship Coaching for women. In addition to her ten years of academic and professional training, she specializes in dating after 40. Specifically dating after divorce, or toxic love. Using her psychology background and intuitive nature, Illa helps women open up to love again. In three steps, Illa guides women to create lasting, authentic relationships founded on transparency, respect, and trust. Follow Illa on LinkedIN for more tips and tricks on dating.