Midlife Pleasure: Ania Grimone
One of the most common complaints for women in midlife and beyond is the loss of desire.
We express the wistful longing for the elusive turn-on, when it was easier to feel sexy, and sexual. When sex felt good, lubrication was readily available, and the ability to engage sexually served, even if unconsciously, as a signal that we were OK. “If I still want to have sex, things can’t be so bad”.
And then at some point, it stops. Orgasm is harder, sex may become painful, and the hormonal roller coaster compounds with the challenges of just being at this stage of our lives. Piling stress, taking care of aging parents, teenagers or struggling young adults, aging, and long-term relationships in sore need of an overhaul are not aphrodisiacs.
“For some women loss of sexual desire is not a big deal.”
Sexual Desire Is Not A Big Deal:
For some women loss of sexual desire is not a big deal. They accept it as a natural part of life and don’t miss sex. Transforming sexual relationship into a deep friendship and companionship is enough. That’s great. No need to fix what isn’t broken, but there is also a large group of women who want to continue being sexually active, and desire to find their turn on again.
2 Strategies To Help You Find Your Desire Again:
1. Stop Making Yourself Wrong For Not Feeling Turned On:
Read that again and again, and really let it sink in. The moment you make yourself wrong for what you are experiencing is the moment you start resisting what is. This is the most effective way to make it stick around. Get curious instead.
What is the first thing that pops into your head when you think sex. Perhaps “ I am tired just thinking about it?”, or “I don’t have the time”, or “It’s going to hurt”, or “I need to lose 10 lbs”, or “It’s just so boring”, or “I am mad at him/her/them”, or “ I won’t orgasm, so what’s the point”, etc.
While hormonal changes will temporarily affect our libido, often, it is something in our lives that is putting the sexual breaks on. Once you identify it, consider what would it take to disengage those breaks. Do you need to sleep in on the weekend, carve some “me/us sexy time”, see a doctor, use some vaginal estrogen, use more lube, practice body love, consider what would spice things up for you, resolve a conflict and reconnect, focus on pleasure instead of a goal, etc.?
It may not lead to you turning into a sex Goddess just yet, but it will create a good base for stoking your sexual fire. Just like riding a bike with the brakes on is hard, expecting your body to melt into pleasure and desire, while being dragged against resistance won’t end in the sensual turn on you are looking for. And, taking the brakes off is not enough.
2. Take The Time To Figure Out What Would Turn You On:
Now that you identified what is shutting you down (and it may take a session with an experienced therapist to uncover), you are ready to get curious about what would turn you on.
“Be honest. Nobody needs to know except you.“
Without any pressure or expectation, approach the subject with the curiosity of a scientist, and the enthusiasm of an adventurer. Employ an “I don’t give a damn” attitude of a bad girl, allow yourself to voice every secret sexual desire, and fantasy you have ever had. Be honest. Nobody needs to know except you. Let it be a diary of a Bad Girl.
If you could have whatever you wanted, with no fear of judgment or rejection, no fear of consequences, what really turns you on?
Is it a two-hour massage with lavender oil culminating with sensual love making, or your lover being a slave doing exactly what you say, or a threesome, or luxurious bath with your favorite toy? What do you desire? What gets your juices flowing and your mouth watering?
Eliminate Your Brakes – Communicate:
It is shocking how many women say they want to have great sex lives but have never actually articulated what it is that gets them going. And sadly, when we wait for our partners to turn us on, they often come up short, because they are not mind readers.
This is not the time to get practical and try to figure out how you will make it happen. Identifying your turn-ons is the most important thing. The how comes later.
“Now the sexy world is your oyster.”
The next part is of course communication. Once you eliminated your brakes and identified what would excite you about sex, there is a part where you have to communicate that with your partner. You may not start with the boldest and most outrageous desire, but perhaps you will. Now the sexy world is your oyster.
If You Desire An Epic Sex Life:
If you have trouble communicating, repeat the whole curiosity/adventurer/bad girl process again. Get curious. Be brave. Be honest. What is holding you back from communicating? What fear, belief, or circumstance? This is now your work if you desire an epic sex life. Sounds like too much work? Sure, it is not easy, but oh the sweet delights on the other side….You are worth it!
Additional resources can be found in Ania’s bio below.
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About the Author:
Ania, MS, L.Ac., CPCC, is a clinician of Chinese medicine, as well as Certified Professional Co-Active Coach, Health, and Sex Coach. She blends the most cutting-edge behavioral science with principles of Chinese medicine, Daoism, Tantra, and somatic experiencing, to heal and harness the power of female sexuality.
She is a founder of Venus Core Leadership, teaching women a new way of being. Sensual, embodied, regulated, and filled with pleasure.
She is passionate about reconnecting women to their deep wisdom, and innate, natural sexual core, as a source of aliveness, creativity, and joy. Regardless of age.
Ania invites you to visit her website at www.venuscoreleadership.com and join her list (there are some yummy goodies there). She will be announcing shortly a three part series, Beautiful Undoings, helping women recover from loss, betrayal, or divorce. And as usual, she invites questions and comments. We heal and rise in community. Please share this article if you know a woman, who can benefit from it.
