Midlife Dating: Laurie Gerber
Dating after 50 can be exciting, but without clear boundaries and self-respect, it’s easy to waste time on relationships that are never going to work.
If there’s one dating pitfall I see women fall into again and again, it’s hanging on too long in the wrong relationship. You’re hopeful, the chemistry is there, and you think maybe if you just give it a little more time, it’ll click. But I’m here to lovingly tell you: if it’s not working early on, it likely never will.
In our twenties, dating is all about learning, exploration, and adventure. We’re not racing the clock. But once you hit 50, time is too valuable to waste. Your energy, peace of mind, and hope for love deserve more respect. Staying with someone who’s not right for you drains all of that—and for what?
After 20 years of coaching women over 50, I can tell you: the deeper you go with someone, the harder it becomes to walk away. Emotionally, it feels like you should stick it out because you’ve invested so much. Buy low, sell high, right?
But time invested doesn’t mean you chose the right stock. It might just mean you’re getting deeper into something that will keep decreasing in value, and you will feel more and more trapped.
So let’s change that. Enter: the 3-Date Rule.
Why Clear Boundaries Matter When Dating After 50:
When I ask women, “How long do you wait before you know it’s not right?” I’m often floored by the answers. Months. Years. Some even admit they knew before the wedding that something was off, and it’s the very reason that they are now divorced.
Too many women stay because they’re clinging to a fantasy. They hope love will bloom if they’re just patient enough, flexible enough, quiet enough about what’s missing. Sound familiar?
I want to snap you out of that pattern–now, once and for all.
The longer you stay, the more likely you are to tell yourself the story that it has to work—because you’ve already spent time, effort, and emotion. Recall the analogy of doubling down on a losing investment. The “return” you are dreaming of is not coming.
Having something isn’t better than having nothing if that “something” is draining you and distracting you from real love.
What You Should Be Looking For:
A real match lights up your:
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Head (your lives make sense together),
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Heart (you feel loved and connected),
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Hoo-Ha (yes, physical attraction matters!).
I call this the “3H’s.” If one of those three is missing or very low, it’s a sign. If two are off? Get out. All three need to be in solid alignment—I’m talking 8 out of 10 or higher on the satisfaction scale of 1-10. Yes, I’m suggesting you literally give ratings.
Welcome to my very quantitative approach to finding love! You’re not “too picky” if you want all three. You’ve recognized that that’s what great love entails! Please do not settle for less.
Almost Every Woman I Coached Knew…
…deep down, that something wasn’t right early on.
Yet they ignored that gut feeling. Why? Fear. Fear of being alone, of starting over, of not being chosen again. Heed this warning: being chosen by someone who’s not a match is not the win you think it is. And if you’re nodding along, thinking, “That’s me,” then the 3-Date Rule is your new best friend.
The 3-Date Strategy:
Here’s the deal: by the third date, you need to decide whether someone is worth continuing with, not in a harsh, judgmental way—but with self-respect and clarity. You rate “head,” “heart,” and “hoo-ha” on a scale of 1-10, and if any receive below an 8, you tell the truth to yourself and end it.
Why this matters:
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You stop wasting energy on the wrong people.
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You don’t let “potential” trick you into investing months.
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You get better at spotting what you truly want.
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And most importantly: you prevent heartbreak before it happens.
Dating without a time limit or framework makes you inefficient, discouraged, and burned out. Worse, it can convince you that love isn’t possible. And that’s just not true.
Don’t Date Just to Be Wanted:
Most women go into dates hoping to be liked, hoping they “win” someone’s approval, without asking the more important question: Do I even like him? Rom-coms trained us to crave the moment someone picks us. But that model has failed us again and again. We need a new script: I choose them because they fulfill my dream of what I want.
No More Fixer-Uppers:
One of the biggest time wasters? Trying to “fix” someone who’s missing one or two of the 3 H’s. Let’s stop pretending that you can coach or love someone into being the partner you need. You can’t. They either are, or they aren’t. Dating apps give you access to innumerable options. Go find one that fits all three.
My Personal Wake-Up Call:
I used to date like a hobby—no rules, no filter. I’d chase chemistry or the thrill of the conquest. And then after getting hurt, I’d choose someone super safe and feel bored to tears. This pattern never gave me what I actually wanted: partnership.
When I got serious, I made a rule for myself: no fourth dates unless all three H’s were at an 8 or above. That one decision changed everything. I got focused. I got real. And the next guy I dated… is now my husband of over 25 years. Setting a high standard wasn’t limiting—it was liberating.
The Rule, Plain and Simple:
No fourth date unless you’re hitting eight out of 10 on Head, Heart, and Hoo-Ha. Yes, it’s a bit nerdy. It’s also wildly effective. Print it. Post it. Make it your mantra. You’re not just dating anymore—you’re dating like you mean it!
How to Maximize the First Three Dates:
Your mission on those first three dates isn’t to impress—it’s to observe. Ask smart questions, step outside your comfort zone, and notice how you feel before, during, and after each interaction.
Want to know what to ask and how to assess those dates?
And if you want more on how to find and maintain healthy love, check out the available resources below. Real love is out there—but only if you stop wasting your time on what isn’t.
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About the Author:
Laurie Gerber is a love and dating coach with 20 years of experience working with couples, individuals and groups. She’s been featured widely in print, on TV, radio, podcasts and been the resident love expert at Match, Zoosk, Jdate, and more. Laurie shares free training here. Her dating advice can be found at lauriegerber.com
