Leading by example for your kids sounds inspiring right up until you’re the one being asked to lead, and every instinct in you wants to say no.
The Quiet Kid Who Never Wanted to Lead
I was a quiet kid, shy and eager to please. Over the years I lost pieces of myself, being and doing whatever it took to be liked. It was comfortable staying in the background and not calling attention to myself; I had all the makings of a follower. The last thing I wanted was a leadership role; it was just too risky.
The Retreat That Changed Everything
It all came to a head at the age of 47, and I still have a visceral reaction when I think about it. My son was at a boarding school of family-based character education and leadership development. We chose it for him, and for us. There was a rigorous, parallel program for parents that challenged everything about me. I was definitely ready to take a deeper look at myself and what made me tick.
One piece of the parent program involved monthly regional meetings, led by parents. At our January retreat, it was time to consider who would take on a regional leadership role for the next year. Current leaders consulted with school staff to come up with a short list.
Imagine my surprise, shock, and terror when they informed me I was first on that list. After all, I had only six months in the program and had been contentedly (I thought) on the sidelines.
Family-based character education and leadership development. Yes, that applied to the parents, too. We were also there to push through our fears and work toward our own unique potential.
Why I Feared Being a Leader
The scared child in me was crying, “No, no!” My conscience was whispering, “Yes.” I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I walked away from this.
Besides, understanding that I am my child’s most important teacher, how could I expect him to take risks, be uncomfortable, and plow ahead anyway? How could I expect him to do what I wouldn’t do? Do you see the dilemma?
There was more to why I feared being a leader. Too many people in leadership roles (as in politicians, heads of major corporations and others) are unscrupulous. In my mind, a leader was someone to be disliked, distrusted, feared and rejected.
I know there are leaders who are admired and respected, who are wonderful role models. But my fragile ego could only see the threatening side. There was no way I would willingly choose to expose myself to criticism and rejection. And yet…
Saying Yes Anyway
I accepted the challenge and the position. Fortunately, there was a co-leader to share the responsibility of organizing, reporting, filling other positions, leading the meetings, working with the monthly curriculum, facilitating concern meetings, sending emails, and communicating with the school.
And, of course, there were the interactions with other parents. Some were willing and grateful to be there. Others, not so much. Some worked the program, while others were not ready.
We were a large group that year, with nearly 60 parents showing up for every meeting. With that many people and personalities, every trigger was set off. Who was I to be running the show?
Leading By Example For Your Kids Starts With You
Despite the challenges, I’m so very grateful for the experience. As with most everything in life, we live through it. There is great learning that takes place. And even if I had chosen never to “lead” anything again, it did increase my confidence and self-worth, and strengthened my courage muscles.
Another meaningful side effect was the impact on my son. He told me how proud he was of me. He knew my fears, and how I tended to show up in life. My son understood what a big step this was, and it inspired him to move out of that ‘comfort zone’ we all talk about.
Our children want to be inspired by us. Leading by example will inspire you both.
P.S. While the title doesn’t mention the word, my new book is ultimately about parents becoming leaders in the family. Order your copy of “Leashes, Lessons, and Love: What Dogs Teach Us About Raising Our Kids and Ourselves.” https://fernweisbook.com/book
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About the Author:
Fern Weis is a Parent Empowerment Coach for Moms of Teens and a Family Recovery Coach. She’s also a wife, a former middle school teacher, and the parent of two adult children who taught her more about herself than she ever could have imagined. Â
Fern partners with moms of teens and young adults, privately and in groups. She helps them grow their confidence to build strong relationships and emotionally healthier kids who become successful adults.
She knows first-hand that when parents do the work, the possibilities for change are limitless; that it’s never too late to start; and you don’t have to do it alone. Learn more about Fern at www.fernweis.com. Schedule your complimentary Parent Support Call at https://calendly.com/talktofern/discovery-call.
