Midlife Dating: Laurie Gerber
If you’re wondering how to get out of a narcissistic relationship over 50, you’re not alone, and the answer starts with brutal honesty and a solid support system.
If you’re with a narcissist, it might be time to leave. If you’re dating, you need to know how to avoid them. As a dating and relationship coach, I often have to nudge women over 50 along in the “letting go” process.
How To Get Out Of A Narcissistic Relationship Over 50 Without Losing Yourself In The Process:
When we were growing up, the pressure was extreme to conform, get married at a certain age, and raise children. Many of us settled. You got used to your relationship being hard, but tolerable.
Unfortunately, your friends and family members might not be brave or clear enough to tell you, just go. Like you, they might justify why the advantages of your relationship outweigh the costs.
Most narcissists are very charismatic. It’s not hard to understand why someone would fall for them and stay with them. I met with expert Angel Hoodye, a 13-year veteran counselor who specializes in narcissists, to learn more.
Narcissism Is Rampant:
That’s how my conversation started. She chuckled when I asked for stats, remarking that narcissists rarely self-report. Touche! She went on to say, It’s just not talked about enough by the survivors/victims and professionals, and I couldn’t agree more.
I am very well-known for teaching my clients how to take personal responsibility and “clean up their side of the street” in relationships, but once that work is done, there needs to be a moment of assessment.
Is this relationship good for me? Am I with someone who is able to give me what I need?
I wanted Angel to weigh in since she is an expert, having counseled and coached people for years on how to leave unhealthy relationships, and even working with narcissists themselves. She cautioned that many people have narcissistic traits, but that doesn’t make a person a clinically diagnosed narcissist.
Diagnosing narcissism is something only a professional can do, and it’s based on a variety of factors that can only be fully assessed over time in counseling with an individual.
I bet you are wondering what patterns of behavior the professionals look for, I know I was!
- Lack of empathy
- Grandiosity
- Manipulation
- Need for constant admiration and validation
- Projection
- Never taking responsibility
- Lying
The Hopium Trap, Why We Stay With Narcissists:
If someone is impacting you with these behaviors such that you are consistently unhappy and often on edge, you may be with a narcissist. Other signs you may be with a narcissist are if you feel you spend a lot of your time on the person with little return, or you find yourself sending long texts/emails/letters to explain yourself to someone. You just never feel like you can be heard or understood.
Why do people stay with partners who display these characteristics on an ongoing basis? I asked Angel. She explained a concept coined by Tracy Schorn, author of Leave a Cheater, Gain A Life, called “hopium.”
“Hopium” is when a person puts their needs and life on hold while they sit in hope that someone they love will “kick their narcissism.”
This is waiting in vain. But hopium can be very addictive.
It’s tempting to believe someone will change, or that your worth rests on being able to change them– but evidence shows that it is extremely difficult for true narcissists to change, which means they will never care about your experience of life unless it has immediate benefits to them.
Since I define “love as a verb” as caring about the other person’s experience as much as you do your own experience, there is a harshness to this conclusion: A narcissist cannot love you, as a verb. You will never feel seen or loved. This may feel familiar from childhood, but it’s not okay anymore.
And hopefully it will be a relief to finally start telling the truth about what is reasonable to expect from a narcissist–basically: only taking!
Let that settle in.
Why Narcissists Don’t Change And You Must:
Does this mean you have to shut them out of your life?
If they are the parent of your child, you probably shouldn’t, so you’ll need extremely strong boundaries and a lot of support from the healthy people in your life. If they are someone you chose to date, it’s best to let them go from your life, and you may have to say it a few times to help them really get that you are not going to play the game anymore.
Here, Angel reminds us to force yourself to analyze a person’s pattern of behavior (and I’d advise you to keep a log of behaviors) instead of focusing on what they once were or who you hope they could be. Angel recommends getting familiar with the narcissistic cycle of abuse. An eyes-wide-open approach means acknowledging harm, betrayals, and gaslighting, and that can hurt.
Going through the detox and the grieving of letting a person (and an idea) go is going to take discipline and distraction and require a community of professional and personal support.
Discipline:
Your mind is going to want to keep looping back to upsetting thoughts; catch that and flip it as much as you can. Your mind is going to want to give second (ahem, hundredth) chances, discipline yourself, and don’t go back.
Distraction:
Old patterns die hard. You need your mind on other things. Plan lots of activities, self-improvement, and time with healthy people.
Support:
It will help to hear how normal your grieving process is, from a professional. It will help to be reminded of behaviors that are not okay. You don’t need the narcissist to talk to you to have closure. You can receive closure through your own self-work, spiritual practices, and support from your community.
If you think you are living with or dating a narcissist, it’s time to begin the process of letting go. You are not alone. So many women over 50 are dealing with this and succeeding in moving on to find healthy lasting love. Please know there is something so much better on the other side of this brave move. Don’t give up.
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About the Author:
Laurie Gerber is a love and dating coach with 20 years of experience working with couples, individuals and groups. She’s been featured widely in print, on TV, radio, podcasts and been the resident love expert at Match, Zoosk, Jdate, and more. Laurie shares free training here. Her dating advice can be found at lauriegerber.com
