Midlife Dating: Laurie Gerber
How women really date comes down to language, and most women are using the wrong words without even knowing it.
The Uncomfortable Truth About What Women Say They Want
What men say, over and over, is that women tend to speak in signals instead of just asking directly for what they want.
And here’s the uncomfortable truth: Most women aren’t doing that on purpose.
They’re doing it because they don’t actually know what they want (yet).
I know that sounds harsh. Stay with me.
I coach women over 50 every day. Smart, successful women with life experience. And when they tell me what they want in dating, very often they’re giving me a proxy, a cliché, a shortcut, a “sounds right” answer, instead of the real desire underneath.
Language matters. The words you use shape what’s possible for you in love. When your language is vague, coded, or borrowed, the results will be too.
So let’s decode the most common signals women send, and translate them into what they actually mean.
Decoding The 7 Most Common Dating Signals Some Women Send
Signal #1: How women really date when they say “Tall, Dark, and Handsome”
This is the classic one. And it’s as imprecise as it is shallow.
“Tall, dark, and handsome” is a cultural placeholder. The media taught it to us. Romance novels reinforced it. And sure, some of us once dated someone who fit that description and had a good experience.
But that phrase doesn’t tell anyone what you really want.
I think what you actually mean (and what would sound more grounded) is:
- I want to feel attracted.
- I want a face I enjoy looking at.
- I want to want to kiss him.
That’s it.
And here’s the kicker: attraction is far more flexible than we realize. Most people know at least one couple who weren’t initially attracted to each other and then absolutely fell for each other.
Coaching: When you lock yourself into a physical cliché, you risk disqualifying men who could genuinely be a match.
And for the men reading: women want to feel safe and protected. Not controlled — protected. Protect her time. Her privacy. Her children. Her pace. This ends up mattering in attraction, way more than height!
Signal #2: “He Lives Near Me”
This one masquerades as practicality.
But what women actually want isn’t geography, it’s how time feels.
When someone says, “He has to live nearby,” what they usually mean is:
- I want ease and accessibility.
- I want regular connection.
- I want to feel good about the amount and quality of time we spend together.
I often ask this question: If he had a private jet and could see you whenever you wanted, would the distance matter?
Some women say no, they want to go to sleep and wake up in the same bed every day.
Others realize distance isn’t the issue at all.
Coaching: Stop making geography the villain. People move for love all the time, when it’s a truly good match.
Signal #3: “He Has to Be Educated”
Degrees are another proxy.
What women are really saying is:
- I want to feel intellectually met.
- I want engaging conversations.
- I want curiosity, vocabulary, and presence.
Plenty of people with advanced degrees are boring. Plenty without them are brilliant.
Judging someone by credentials instead of connection is lazy filtering, and it can be deeply invalidating.
Coaching: Vet for how it feels to talk to him, not what letters come after his name.
Signal #4: “He Has to Be Financially Abundant”
This one breaks my heart.
Because almost no woman actually means, “I need a man who makes X dollars.”
What she means is:
- I don’t want to support another adult.
- I don’t want to inherit debt, chaos, or drama.
- I’ve worked hard for my stability, and I want to protect it.
Income numbers don’t guarantee generosity, safety, or responsibility. I know people who married for money, and they are not happier for it.
Coaching: Say what you mean. “I don’t want to be the primary provider.” That’s honest and far more effective.
Signal #5: “I Want Someone Emotionally Available”
Please: do not say this to men.
It’s therapy jargon. And it means nothing unless you unpack it.
What you might actually mean is:
- I want to tell you things, and I want you to tell me things.
- I want us to be ourselves.
- I want you “unattached” to an ex.
- I want someone who is actually looking for a committed relationship.
That’s clear. “Emotionally available” is not.
Coaching: Ask directly: Does anyone else think they are in a relationship with you?
Signal #6: “Emotionally Vulnerable”
This is the most misunderstood one of all.
Women want emotional connection. But they do not want men to process their feelings the same way women do.
Deep emotional processing for men belongs in friendships, therapy, men’s groups, and physical outlets.
What women want from men is processed vulnerability, feelings you own, not feelings that own you.
When a man is overwhelmed by his emotions, women often slide into caretaking. And caretaking kills desire; it’s one of the most common early dating mistakes women over 50 make without realizing it.
Coaching: Vulnerability in doses is intimacy. Uncontained emotion becomes parent-child energy and that’s not sexy.
Signal #7: “I Want the Perfect Man”
Here’s the truth: women don’t want perfection.
They want acceptable liabilities.
Every human has about seven issues. The question isn’t whether they exist, it’s whether the person is aware of them, responsible for them, and willing to manage them.
Bring your baggage. Just bring it neatly packed.
Coaching: Look for the liabilities in early dating and see if you can work with them, instead of pretending anyone can be perfect.
Want More on How to Say What You Really Mean? Watch This:
Clear Language Creates Clear Connections
Women aren’t speaking in signals to manipulate.
They’re doing it because they haven’t slowed down enough to tell the truth, to themselves first.
According to Psychology Today, singles today are moving at a more intentional pace in dating, and that starts with knowing what you actually want before you open your mouth.
When you change your language, dating becomes easier.
Clear language creates clear connections.
And that’s something both men and women are starving for.
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About the Author:
Laurie Gerber has been a dating coach for the last 20 years. She is the creator of Master the Art of Love, an online digital course for women over 50. ” She’s the host of the podcast “Love at Any Age,” and has been featured widely in print, on TV, radio, podcasts, and served as the resident love expert at Match, Zoosk, Jdate, etc. Her dating advice and free training can be found at lauriegerber.com.
