Relationships With Mothers-in-Law — The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

Positive Aging Thought Leader: Maria Leonard Olsen

None of us get to choose our children’s partners. Neither did our mothers-in-law. Most of us resolve not to make the mistakes our mothers-in-law made, but some of us unwittingly fall into less than optimal patterns if we are not vigilant.

It is possible to build positive relationships with our mothers-in-law, with effort and compassion. Realizing that they may feel grief over feeling replaced and no longer needed may play a role in their behaviors, as can generational gaps and long-established family dynamics.

My Own Experience with a Difficult Mother-in-Law

My ex-mother-in-law and I had a bumpy relationship. I believe that she was scarred by her terrible relationship with her mother-in-law and carried those wounds into her relationships with her daughters-in-law. Her parents-in-law did not think she was good enough for their son. She spent the rest of her life trying to prove to everyone that she indeed was, which had the effect of alienating us.

I do not yet have children-in-law, though I hope to one day. I resolve to make these relationships the best possible.

A Positive Model for Relationships with Mothers-in-Law

My mother set a good example for me. She was tirelessly helpful to her children and grandchildren, as was her own mother. She stayed out of personal conflicts and showered all of us with unconditional love.

I gathered a range of stories from friends about their relationships with their mothers-in-law. The good relationships spoke of support without intrusion, courtesy, good communication and mutual respect. The poor relationships resulted from overbearing, demanding, judgmental and close-minded traits.

Cultural Narratives and Real-Life Stories

Bad mothers-in-law have been portrayed in popular culture, like in the movie Monster-in-Law, starring Jane Fonda, and in most soap operas. Real life stories I heard were not as dramatic as those on the big and small screen, but were hurtful nonetheless.

When Expectations Go Unmet

Susan Dunbar of New Jersey described her mother-in-law’s self-centeredness. She made clear that she was not going to be the kind of grandmother who “got stuck helping,” revealing her priorities. “I’ve just never known anyone so unwilling to put family first,” Susan laments. The contrast to Susan’s own generous parents was stark. “It’s painful because I always hoped for more, for warmth, for honesty, for her to take joy in her grandchildren’s everyday lives and love them the way that my parents love their grandchildren. Instead, her love always seemed conditional, tied to comfort and convenience.” Susan has tried to accept her mother-in-law for who she is, but still feels the sadness of what the relationship could have been.

Choosing a Different Path

Even with a difficult mother-in-law, my friend Michelle resolved early in her marriage never to speak negatively about her mother-in-law. The decision resulted in a stronger union with her partner and set a good example for the couple’s children.

When Relationships With Mothers-in-Law Evolve — or Don’t

Relationships can evolve into something better, of course, though keeping expectations low is helpful. Sally Seppanen of Washington, DC, held her ground with her mother-in-law on an important decision, which was a turning point in the relationship. They built a respectful bond along the way, filled with support and appreciation. Kristin Paddack of Severna Park, Maryland, however, tried with two mothers-in-law to build a connection and failed. She protected herself thereafter by limiting her time with them.

Compassion in the Hardest Circumstances

Christine Mosher of Cape Cod, Massachusetts, though, cared for her emotionally distant mother-in-law after her Alzheimer’s diagnosis. Her mother-in-law raised four boys alone after her alcoholic husband abandoned the family. Mosher’s ex-husband did not get the emotional nurturing that he needed as a child, so it was difficult for him to be a loving caregiver for her, as he harbored resentful feelings. During this caregiving chapter, he was able to see his mother as a vulnerable human being and not the angry, distant, and neglectful mother he experienced as a child. At the end of his mother’s life, Mosher helped her ex-husband muster up empathy, compassion, and forgiveness.

When Mothers-in-Law Become a Gift

I envy my friends who found a second mother in their mothers-in-law. Talek Nantes of New York got teary-eyed speaking about her mother-in-law, who she described as a saint. “This is a woman who had the power to make my life miserable, and she chose to do the complete opposite,” Nantes says. “She didn’t have a lot of education, but she was one of the most naturally intelligent people I ever knew,” Nantes continued.

“She was an expert at dealing with difficult people, which kept life flowing calmly. She faced difficult life situations like moving to a new country [the United States] as a political refugee [from Cuba] with her family and was a key driver in her family’s success in their new country. She was resilient, practical, resolute, brave, caring and just plain kind. She is sorely missed.”

Jacqueline Perez of Chapel Hill, North Carolina, says her mother-in-law protected her. “She would scold her son if he wasn’t showing up for his wife,” Perez says. “She understood that if I liked and loved her, she would have more access to her son.”

Rockville, Maryland, native Caroline Bock married her mother-in-law’s only child 40 years ago. Her mother-in-law never judged Bock, even when they remained childless for the first 16 years of marriage. When they finally had children, her mother-in-law was there to cheer them on, lend a hand, and love her grandchildren fully, but never to question Bock’s decisions as a mother.

“Dr. Frances Bock is one of the smartest women I have ever known, a neuropsychologist, a life-long feminist, and a voracious reader,” Bock says. “Most of all, she knew her new 22-year-old daughter-in-law needed space and encouragement to grow, and she did all she could to give that — and more — to me. I will always be grateful to have her in my life.”

Practical Ways to Improve Relationships With Mothers-in-Law

We each can improve relationships with mothers-in-law, or anyone else. Ensure that your communications are clear and respectful. Try to include her in activities as much as possible, while maintaining healthy boundaries. Taking opportunities to help her when you can go a long way. Remaining curious about her can be helpful. Consider asking her about her life and your partner’s childhood, and for advice, even just if it is for family recipes, to make her feel valued.

My mother-in-law was grateful for my updates about her grandchildren, a practice I continued even after my divorce from her son. I can sense her loneliness, and I hope that my children will continue to communicate with me throughout my life. So perhaps continuing my relationship with my mother-in-law, with patience and goodwill, may create good karma for my future relationships.

Relationships with mothers-in-law may prove to be the trickiest we experience in our lives. But with awareness and willingness can come positive change.

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