Midlife & Beyond Dating: Illa Lynn
There’s a lot of information to support the idea that you should clarify what you’re looking for in a relationship and avoid the “let’s not label us” trap.
Although I agree with some of these recommendations, it’s important to consider some nuances.
I think labels play a big role in dating and finding exclusive relationships that might lead to settling down and starting a family. In middle age, however, your priorities change and you’re more flexible to explore non-label romances that might lead to a long-term commitment organically as you both acclimate to the idea of having shared spaces.
You’re set in your ways now that you’ve gained wisdom and might feel reluctant to give up your peace and independence. What I find a a lot with my clients is that they want a companion, but welcome the living together apart concept over cohabitation.
Your experiences may have helped you figure out who you are and what you don’t want, which can make it harder for you to decide whether or not a label-free relationship would be beneficial. And that is not anything to be ashamed about. Take your time.
“You’re set in your ways now that you’ve gained wisdom and might feel reluctant to give up your peace and independence.”
Label-Free Relationship Benefits:
With that said, wouldn’t you agree that it makes sense to drop the labels and just enjoy the dating process as you explore ways that work for both partners?
Here is how not-labeling might be of benefit to you:
1) You Retain Freedom And Autonomy:
Unburdened by labels, you can dance to your own beat. By doing so, you break the molds imposed on traditional relationships as you confidently shed societal expectations. Choosing your narrative, plot twists, and endings is liberating when you get to create your own love story, while making space for your counterpart to do the same.
Men, as I found, are most concerned about losing their sense of freedom in the relationship, or getting tangled in unnecessary drama. They, much like you, want peace and safety when considering partnerships.
2) There Is Less Pressure, Thus Expectations And Anxiety Are Lower:
Putting a label on a relationship can be terrifying, especially if you have been on your own for a while. You might feel like, “Hold up! Let’s not jump right into the deep end just yet.” The idea of defining a connection can feel almost overwhelming. That’s perfectly understandable, since it’s harder to open yourself to love after heartbreak and let someone in.
Keeping things label-free allows you to enjoy someone’s company without commitment pressure looming over your head. However, it is vital to establish clear expectations and boundaries to stay safe and maintain one’s integrity.
As I become older, I find that love is about living in the moment and not overthinking it, too much.
“Let the time determine the outcome.”
3) Living In The moment Removes Unnecessary Stress:
Personally, if I had to start over, I would do the same. I’d choose to live in the moment, cultivate friendships, and enjoy the company of those who make me joyful, energized and free. There would be no rush for me to claim anyone or be claimed. And neither should you. Allow it to run its course while you explore what suits you both best.
With decades of experience under your belt, you’re not shaken by small stuff, I am certain of it. Having an unlabeled relationship allows you to focus on the present without worrying about the future, and the” what ifs.” Let the time determine the outcome.
The choice to make things formal and label them is always an option, but given how many middle aged singles choose to go it alone, they might be more frightened by the idea of labels, than enthused.
No matter how you choose to live, whether you choose a label-free relationship or a more traditional one, you need to know that there’s no right or wrong way. Regardless of your age, you just need to find what works for you and aim to live your best life surrounded by people who lift you up.
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About the Author:
Illa Lynn is a former corporate health care leader turned Life Coach who specializes in Relationship Coaching for women. In addition to her ten years of academic and professional training, she specializes in dating after 40. Specifically dating after divorce, or toxic love. Using her psychology background and intuitive nature, Illa helps women open up to love again. In three steps, Illa guides women to create lasting, authentic relationships founded on transparency, respect, and trust. Follow Illa on LinkedIN for more tips and tricks on dating.
