Divorce and Transitions: Mardi Winder-Adams
Domestic violence in women over 50 is a silent crisis, hidden behind closed doors, masked by decades of loyalty, and made invisible by ageist assumptions.
When most people think about domestic violence, they picture younger women, perhaps with children still at home, trying to leave a dangerous relationship. Yet, the reality is that women over 50 are one of the fastest-growing but least visible groups affected by domestic violence. Abuse does not end with age, and it does not discriminate by income, education, or geography. It happens in gated communities, quiet rural towns, and bustling cities, and we need to understand what it looks like and how to get help.
Domestic Violence Knows No Boundaries
Domestic violence is not confined to a specific demographic. It touches women who are retired professionals, business owners, caregivers, and grandmothers. Many of these women have spent decades in their relationships and may not even label what they are experiencing as abuse. They may rationalize their partner’s behavior as stress, aging, or frustration, especially if they have been together for years.
The truth is that abuse in later life often looks different than it does for younger women. It can be more subtle, more complex, and deeply intertwined with decades of emotional abuse, financial control, and family, religions, and cultural expectations. Shame, embarrassment, and fear of judgment can keep women silent, especially when the community sees the couple as “respectable” or “successful.”
Domestic violence is about power and control. It manifests in multiple forms, often overlapping in ways that leave the victim confused, isolated, and emotionally drained. While physical violence may be the most visible, it is only one type of abuse that may be present in any unhealthy relationship.
Emotional and Psychological Abuse
This often begins long before any physical aggression. Emotional abuse includes constant criticism, name-calling, gaslighting, or isolating a woman from her friends and family. Over time, this erodes self-esteem and independence. A woman who was once strong and self-assured can begin to doubt her judgment, her worth, and her ability to live without her partner as she sees herself as “less than”.
Emotional and psychological abuse is typically hidden behind closed doors, and the abusive spouse may be seen by friends, family, coworkers, and the community as a great person who is a loving partner and parent. However, at home, the abuser is a tyrant, constantly manipulating and chipping away at the partner’s self-confidence and feelings of self-worth.
Financial Abuse
For women over 50, financial control is one of the most powerful and devastating forms of abuse. Many have shared finances for decades, and they may not understand the financial health of the family, nor are they allowed access to this information, even if they ask.
An abuser may restrict access to money, close accounts, withhold information about investments or retirement funds, or manipulate legal and financial documents. In some cases, the abuser may refuse to allow their partner to work or demand complete control over spending. This financial dependence can make leaving feel impossible, especially when retirement savings are at stake.
Physical Abuse
While it may be less frequent in older women, physical abuse still occurs and often escalates over time. It can include hitting, pushing, restraining, or intimidation through physical threats. Older women may face additional health risks due to the physical toll of aging in a toxic and stressful relationship, making injuries more dangerous and recovery more difficult.
Sexual Abuse
This is another area rarely discussed, especially for mid-life women. Non-consensual sexual contact, coercion, or degrading sexual behavior are forms of abuse that violate trust and safety. Many women are reluctant to talk about this, feeling shame or believing it is part of being a wife and a partner, especially if this has always been an aspect of their intimate relationship.
It is not.
Consent is always required, no matter how long the relationship has existed.
Understanding Coercive Control
At the heart of all abuse lies coercive control, the ongoing pattern of domination and manipulation designed to restrict another person’s freedom and autonomy. Unlike one-time acts of violence, coercive control is about slowly taking away someone’s sense of self and their ability to make independent choices.
A woman under coercive control may be told how to dress, where she can go, or who she can talk to. She may be monitored through her phone, her social media, or even her car’s GPS. The abuser may use guilt, fear, or obligation to maintain control, reminding her of her financial dependence, her family responsibilities, or her supposed inadequacies.
For women over 50, this control can be particularly insidious. Many have spent years prioritizing others, including their children, aging parents, or their spouse, over prioritizing themselves. By the time coercive control becomes obvious, they may feel trapped and unable to leave due to the partner’s threats and the risk of escalation into physical violence.
Why Women Stay
Leaving an abusive relationship at any age is difficult, but for midlife women, it can be uniquely challenging. The barriers are often emotional, financial, and cultural.
Many fear losing their homes, pensions, or access to health insurance. Others worry about disrupting family relationships or being judged by adult children who may not understand what is happening. Some have lived with the abuse for so long that they no longer believe they deserve better.
The Hidden Cost of Silence
Silence is one of the abuser’s greatest weapons. When abuse goes unspoken and unnamed, it thrives in secrecy. The longer it remains hidden, the harder it becomes to break free.
Abuse affects every aspect of a woman’s well-being, including mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and even physical illness can result from years of living in fear.
Recognizing abuse, naming it for what it is, and seeking support can be the first step toward reclaiming your confidence and power.
How to Help a Friend or Family Member
If you suspect someone you know, perhaps a sister, friend, or neighbor, is in an abusive relationship, reaching out with compassion and care can make a life-changing difference.
Start by expressing concern without judgment. Say things like, “I’ve noticed you seem unhappy lately, and I’m worried about you.” Avoid pressuring her to leave or telling her what to do. Instead, offer consistent support, listen without criticism, and remind her she is not alone.
Share resources discreetly and let her know there are confidential ways to get help. For many women, knowing someone believes them is the first step toward safety and healing.
Breaking the Silence Around Domestic Violence in Women Over 50
If you are in an abusive relationship, please know this: it is not your fault. You deserve safety, respect, and peace. Help is available, no matter your age or situation. You do not have to face this alone.
You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org to chat with an advocate online. Many local shelters and organizations also specialize in supporting older women experiencing abuse.
If you are worried about a friend, share this information with her and gently encourage her to reach out. Even one act of kindness, one supportive conversation, or one resource shared can save a life.
Did you enjoy this article? Become a Kuel Life Member today to support our Community. Sign-up for our Sunday newsletter and get your content delivered straight to your inbox.
About the Author:
Mardi Winder-Adams is an Executive and Leadership Coach, Certified Divorce Transition Coach, and a Credentialed Distinguished Mediator in Texas. She has experienced her own divorce, moved to a new country and started her own business, and worked through the challenges of being a caregiver and managing the loss of a spouse.
Handling life transitions and pivots is her specialty! In her professional role as a divorce coach, Mardi has helped hundreds of women before, during, and after divorce to reduce the emotional and financial costs of the process. She is the founder of Positive Communication Systems, LLC.
