Fear-based parenting can look a lot like love, which is exactly why so many of us never notice we’re doing it.
What are you and every other parent addicted to? Your child, of course, and the dreams you have before you even hold that baby in your arms. Those dreams have the power to derail you and prevent you from listening to your inner wisdom about parenting. (It’s true. You actually know much more than you think.)
Addiction? Recovery? These are words associated with substance abuse. They apply to parenting, too. We get so caught up in our children’s lives that we are addicted to them, and don’t always do right by them.
Why I Call Myself A Recovering Parent
I admit it. I am a recovering parent. I had a vision of how life would be, an ideal image of my children’s bright future. I was addicted to them, to their happiness and success. But the unexpected took us in directions we never could have imagined, places we never would have chosen.
5 Lessons I Learned On My Journey From Addiction To Recovery
We all face those times. It’s what you do during those times that can impact the outcomes, for better or for worse. Here are five lessons I learned on my ongoing journey from addiction to recovery as a parent:
1. Caring And Good Intentions Are Not Enough
Sometimes they are the problem!
Here’s where I tell you something I really don’t want you to know about me. (I want you to know that you are not alone, and that you are capable of change. If I could ‘wake up’, so can you.)
One of my (now adult) children had learning differences and really struggled in school. He was not giving his best effort, and I used those challenges as an excuse for him. In a ‘best of intentions’ moment, I asked for the expectations in a class to be lowered so that he could experience some success.
What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking, I was reacting from fear. Years later he told me, “Mom, I know you meant well, but what I heard was ‘You can’t do it.'” Not only did I not believe he could do it, he started to believe it, too. I’m grateful to him for being my teacher.
2. It’s Not My Job To Make Sure My Kids Are Happy
Disappointment, sadness, and mistakes will happen. My job is to hold their hand when they’re miserable; to walk with them through sadness; to help them figure out how to bounce back; guide them in finding healthy ways to cope; and to express confidence that they can get through it. (If I go into the pity pit with them, they start to believe the situation is worse than it really is.)
3. Not Setting A Boundary Is Better Than A Boundary You Don’t Stick To
Only set a boundary (or consequence) you are 100% prepared to act on.
If you want to be taken seriously, this is crucial. Making threats when we reached our limit happened in our house, too. I remember my husband tossing out the one about military school. Our son knew it wasn’t going to happen. You’ve experienced it, too. Maybe it was threatening no cell phone for a week, and you changed your mind after a day or two (or an hour or two!). Effective parenting? Hardly.
One more thing about boundaries… Giving your children boundaries is more important than feeling loved by them. They will always love you, even when they say they hate you. And one day, they may even thank you.
4. I Can’t (Nor Should I) Fix Everything For Them
When I stepped back, they had no choice but to figure things out for themselves. They also learned just how capable and resourceful they are.
Smoothing the way and doing too much for kids makes them dependent and unable to problem-solve. This is exactly the opposite of what you want for them. It’s time to hand off more responsibility and accountability.
5. And Most Important… The Only Person I Can Control Is Me
So I’d better get working on myself and how I show up.
As our kids get older, the belief that we can control them is an illusion. Everything is changing: bodies, attitudes, their brain, their social life. They are preparing to leave you. And while you may be excited for them, many of you are scared.
Fear may be the biggest motivator of thoughts and actions in parenting: fear that kids will make mistakes; fear of looking bad as a parent; fear of them not measuring up; fear of drugs, alcohol and anxiety, and the many behaviors that could sidetrack the dream. You may be worried your young adult won’t make it on their own and will end up back at home, with no end in sight.
And so you hang on tighter, trying to control more. The unfortunate outcome is that you get more of the very things you’re trying to prevent. What’s left? To change how you react and respond to what’s going on around you, and inside you.
Change Starts With You
The amazing thing is that when you do this work, you can positively influence the people around you. When you change, the people around you change the way they react and respond to you.
5 Ways To Break Free From Fear-Based Parenting
You are where it all begins. So…
- Feel your fear… and then do what you truly believe to be in your child’s best interest.
- You are your child’s most important role model… so walk the talk and show them how life is done. No double standards allowed.
- Share your challenges… It will inspire them, knowing that you made it through the confusing adolescent years.
- Your dreams for them may not be what’s best for them… so put them to the side, let them find their way and discover their unique potential.
- Nothing changes until you do… so be the change.
Break your addiction to the dream and be the parent your children need. They’re counting on you.
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About the Author:
Fern Weis is a Parent Empowerment Coach for Moms of Teens and a Family Recovery Coach. She’s also a wife, a former middle school teacher, and the parent of two adult children who taught her more about herself than she ever could have imagined. Â
Fern partners with moms of teens and young adults, privately and in groups. She helps them grow their confidence to build strong relationships and emotionally healthier kids who become successful adults.
She knows first-hand that when parents do the work, the possibilities for change are limitless; that it’s never too late to start; and you don’t have to do it alone. Learn more about Fern at www.fernweis.com. Schedule your complimentary Parent Support Call at https://calendly.com/talktofern/discovery-call.
