Gratitude For Past Relationships: How To Transform Your Love Life After 50

Midlife Dating: Laurie Gerber

Finding Gratitude in Past Relationships: How Former Loves Shape Your Future

In this season of gratitude, I want to make a statement that might raise some eyebrows:

Every romantic choice you’ve made so far has actually served you.

Yes, you read that right. You may be thinking, “Laurie, have you lost it?”

Not at all.

After more than two decades of coaching singles and couples, I’ve listened to every kind of love story imaginable—first crushes, heartbreaks that left people shattered, and second chances found later in life. And what I’ve learned is this: every one of those experiences has meaning and purpose.

If you’re still mourning an old relationship or hesitant to open your heart again, I get it. Gratitude might sound like the last thing you’re capable of feeling right now. But viewing your past relationships through the lens of appreciation can completely transform your emotional well-being and prepare you for the kind of love that lasts.

Meet the Three Voters: Head, Heart, and Hoo-ha

In order to understand what I am about to say about past regrets or mistakes being “gifts,” you have to understand the 3H method from which I teach. The 3Hs refer to the three voters inside of each of us.

Your head, your heart, and your hoo-ha have all been voting all along. You need to understand what each of your Hs has been after to see how you’ve been picking romantic partners—and how to choose better next time.

What Each of Your “H” Voters Wants

Head – This is the practical part of you that wants structure, partnership, and shared goals. It’s about the logistics of life—finances, physical health, family, your use of time and energy.

Heart – The emotional self. This is about what you need in terms of affection, communication, kindness, humor, and connection. This is harder to define, but your heart knows when it’s happy, and when it just feels good to be in a relationship.

Hoo-ha – The physical self. This is about what sparks attraction, chemistry, and desire. Sexual desire and physical intimacy are part of this.

Most people—especially women who’ve been through hard things—have thought they needed to settle for one or two of these being “good enough.” You likely have been letting one H lobby harder and win, leaving the other one or two high and dry.

Maybe you always go for what turns you on, not realizing that in the end, it can never work logistically. Or maybe you love something that makes sense and is good on paper, but has no real spark. It’s easy to convince yourself that if you have one or two of the Hs satisfied, it would be too demanding to ask for all three.

That’s understandable for the past, but not for the future.

When you reflect on your past romantic relationships, you’ll see that each one was your teacher. Once you figure out your brand of selling out, you can stop it.

The Assignment: Chart Your Past Loves Using the 3H Method

Here’s a powerful exercise I use from The Handel Method to help my clients see their patterns clearly. Make a list of your past significant relationships. For each, jot down:

• How long were you together
• What was great about it
• Why did you get together
• Why did you break up
• Who initiated the breakup
• Any cheating or lying involved
• BONUS: What patterns do you see that remind you of your own parents’ relationships
• Rate each past love on a scale of 1–10 for Head, Heart, and Hoo-ha (three ratings for each past love)

When you finish, you’ll notice a pattern (or two) that’s been running your love life. Once you see it, it’s impossible to escape the truth and…

You can change it.

Gratitude for Past Relationships: How to Begin

If you never want to repeat the same romantic mistakes again, that takes a little more work—but here’s where to start.

1) Be grateful for the experiences that taught you what you don’t want

Without hard lessons, we literally don’t learn. Think of all the things you feel so sure of now. You had to go through something to get there. This is good, not bad.

It may sound like a difficult task, but expressing gratitude for past partners—even the ones who hurt you—frees you from resentment. Now you know your needs better, and you know your dealbreakers better.

Gratitude boosts mental health and emotional resilience. Studies show that people who regularly express gratitude report lower levels of stress and higher overall life satisfaction.

2) Stop thinking of past relationships as curses or obstacles

Your soul, on some level, chose your experiences. At the time, the bad experiences in love may have felt like an obstacle or a curse, but with hindsight, you can see the positive impact it will have on your future.

3) Write a personal manifesto about how you’ve sold out in love before—and what your new rules of the road will be

Here’s your chance to draw your line in the sand and choose to go a different direction now. Write down what you learned from doing the chart exercise, so it’s crystal clear what patterns you are done repeating. Everyone has something from the past to release.

4) Tell everyone you trust about it and ask them to hold you accountable

Like I said, changing your life is better with friends. Share what you figured out with your support system—friends, a coach, maybe even your kids or community—and ask them to hold you to your new standards. Make sure you read your manifesto to the people in your life who are looking out for you and your dreams, before you burn it in a ceremonial fire.

Letting go of the past will also increase your level of gratitude.

The Spiritual Power of Gratitude

One final note about gratitude. I have studied a lot of spiritual traditions, and one thing comes through over and over again. Gratitude is part of every prayer tradition. It’s a practice that’s always available at any moment, and it’s free. You do not practice gratitude for others as much as for yourself—to put your heart in the right place.

And living your life from a space of gratitude, even for your exes, just makes you a more attractive and magnetic person. Gratitude opens the door to love.

I’m here to convince you that finding and maintaining healthy love with a suitable companion is possible for you.

Thank goodness you’ve been through what you’ve been through. Every relationship has brought you to this exact moment of awareness.

It is literally never too late to believe in love again—and to believe in love for you. Yes, you.

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