Midlife Dating: Laurie Gerber
If you’re wondering how to let go of the one that got away, Laurie Gerber shares the hard truth that frees you to stop romanticizing the past and make space for real love.
The One Did Not Get Away
First of all, there is no ONE “the one.”
Second of all, this notion that your one got away either because:
- He picked someone else.
- You picked someone else.
- He had an insurmountable issue.
- He died.
Well, it just isn’t true. He “got away,” sure. But if he “got away,” he was not “your one,” or at least not your ONLY one.
The Belief That Keeps Women Stuck
As a dating coach, I battle against my clients’ negative beliefs and theories about love all day. Some are easy to debunk, but some are not. Juanita, a fan of my podcast “Love at Any Age,” wrote to me about thinking she had discovered the one (finally) and becoming thoroughly disappointed:
“We were friends since childhood, came from similar socio-economic backgrounds, and grew up with volatile fathers. By our 20s, my being a few years older didn’t seem so big. We started going out, then after we became intimate, I found out he was engaged. I wasn’t sure if he was just playing around or if he was having second thoughts.
I needed to know and to try to salvage our friendship at least, as we were both very involved in the same activities and would repeatedly run into each other. It was just casual for him because we were drunk, and we managed to stay lifelong friends. It was hard to get over. Everyone else has always fallen far short by comparison.”
Why This Breaks My Heart
Reading this broke my heart a little. First, because of the brutal disappointment this woman felt. Secondly, because she was writing to me in her 70s, and this had happened decades ago, yet it was still top of mind. Then there was the fact that she put effort into changing his mind, which echoes the pain and struggle I hear from so many women. And lastly, I cringed at the desire to stay friends, because I have a feeling it didn’t help her get over him.
The 3H Method and the Missing Dealbreaker
I teach women to choose men for long-term companionship to vet for someone who fulfills the needs of all 3Hs: their head, heart, and hoo-ha. So I had to write to this dear lady that she had missed one key criterion in the “heart column” that I insist all my clients put on the list:
“He chooses me.”
I advise everyone also have this on their “head criteria” list:
“He wants the same thing I want.”
As in, is looking for a long-term committed relationship if you are, or just something casual if that’s what you want.
These Are Not Nice to Haves
I do not consider these criteria “nice to haves,” I consider them “must haves.” If you are dating and these two concepts are not on your dealbreaker list, please add them! And face the fact that if you are trying to change someone’s mind to fit these criteria, you are not in the sport of finding love, but something much sadder.
How to Let Go of the One That Got Away
I told Juanita: “So by my math, there is no way this man could have fulfilled your 3H’s, nor was he ‘your one.’ He is a one that got away, but not ‘the one.’ I hope you can let him go now.”
At this point, she had to begin the work to let go, and that is not always easy. I want to tell you if you are in this place. If someone who has chosen someone else, refused to get serious, or died is still holding the place in your heart that belongs to the next love of your life, it’s never too late to let them go!
If Your Partner Died
If your partner died, ask yourself if they would want you to close up shop on love forever. Most people find it’s not the case. You honor them, your own heart, and love in general by never giving up on finding it again. There is no expiration date on love, and your heart probably won’t stop wanting it (even if your hoo-ha sometimes purports not to care;)
Video Help: Letting Go of Someone From Your Past
If you know you need help letting go of someone from your past who is taking up space in your heart or head, this video will help:
The Bigger Truth About Finding Love Again
Friends, I am an unequivocal believer that if you want to find love, you will. But I’ve been helping people do it for long enough to know there are obstacles (34 to be precise). Bad news, you probably have some of them standing in your way (and letting go of the past is only one of them). Good news: it’s a finite list, and the time to begin is now!
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About the Author:
Laurie Gerber has been a dating coach for the last 20 years. She is the creator of Master the Art of Love, an online digital course for women over 50. ” She’s the host of the podcast “Love at Any Age,” and has been featured widely in print, on TV, radio, podcasts, and served as the resident love expert at Match, Zoosk, Jdate, etc. Her dating advice and free training can be found at lauriegerber.com.
