Midlife Shaman: Maria da Silva
It’s okay to change your mind, and if you’re a woman over fifty who has been told that doing so makes you unreliable, this article is your permission slip.
The Myth We Were Handed
Somewhere along the way, we learned that changing our minds is a sign of weakness. Once we choose something — a path, a belief, a commitment — we are expected to hold steady, dig in, and prove our reliability by never wavering. Especially as women over fifty.
But life has a curious way of reshaping us. Experiences soften our certainties, wisdom arrives in unexpected ways, and the person we become begins to see the world differently than the person who made the original decision. Research on rethinking long-held beliefs at midlife confirms this is not weakness — it’s a natural and necessary part of how we grow.
I used to think that changing my mind meant I had somehow failed that original decision. After all, if I had chosen carefully, shouldn’t I stand by it? But the longer I have lived, the more I have realized that life does not ask us to stay exactly the same. It invites us to grow, to learn, and sometimes — to gently, bravely — change our minds.
Where These Myths Come From
Where do these myths come from — that we women must stay consistent at all costs? For women over fifty, like myself, there are definite cultural expectations that we must remain steady, dependable, unwavering. Even if that cost is to ourselves.
But what happens when decisions no longer fit? How does not changing my mind affect my relationships, commitments, and roles I may have outgrown?
A gentle reframe might be this: consistency is not the same as authenticity.
When I am not true to myself, there is often an emotional or physical toll — resentment, fatigue, or a quiet disconnection. Is it worth it to stick with something that no longer aligns with who I am? Sometimes, staying the same is the real risk.
Listening To The Whisper
An internal whisper or nudge arrives, and we know that something, a relationship, a long-held commitment, no longer feels right. This intuition may come softly and slowly, or it may arrive dramatically, like a punch. Either way, the message is clear: it may be time to change my mind. Learning to trust that signal is its own practice; listening to our intuition is something many of us have been trained away from, and something we can choose to come back to.
When It’s Okay To Change Your Mind About a Relationship
I recently went on two dates with a handsome, worldly, fit man. After the first date, something inside me told me to move on. Still, I craved the attention — the wonderful feeling of being taken out, wined and dined. But deep down, I sensed that long-term, this could never work. He was very much a “my way or the highway” kind of person, both in his business and with his children.
My body knew even before my mind and emotions caught up. I felt uneasy, even unsafe, and wanted to pull back. It wasn’t until I returned home to Massachusetts from Florida that I gave myself the space to reflect — and to listen. When I did, I trusted my inner wisdom. This man was not for me.
Changing my mind about continuing that relationship took strength. It is not weakness to change one’s mind — it is self-awareness.
How To Actually Do It
First, I had to be honest with myself. I took off the rose-colored glasses. I acknowledged what I felt instead of what I wished were true. And then, I had to be willing to disappoint him — to disrupt his expectations.
No more people-pleasing for me.
The person I want to please now — even if it means changing my mind — is myself.
“It takes courage to meet yourself again and say, ‘I see things differently now.'”
Reframing The Past With Self-Forgiveness
So now, it is time for me to reframe my past with compassion. To release guilt from decisions I made when I knew less, or was someone different. To trust that I did the best I could at the time.
If you are reading this, I invite you to try something simple:
- Think of a decision you regret or feel guilty about.
- Say aloud: I forgive myself. I let go of this guilt.
- Say again: I made the best choice I could at the time.
- Write it down on a small piece of paper. Safely burn it — over a plate or bowl — and as it disappears, allow your regret, guilt, or shame to dissolve with it.
Clean slate.
Growth Is The Point
That is growth. And growth naturally leads to change.
I want to be kind to myself and acknowledge that I am continually evolving. It is okay to change my mind. In fact, it is a privilege — to be alive, to have choices, to grow into new versions of ourselves.
And over and over again, I can choose myself.
About the Author:
Maria da Silva is a practicing shaman, writer and traveler who lives in Plymouth, Massachusetts and travels frequently to her home islands of the Azores. The founder of Wise Shaman Within, she is bringing peace, healing, and light to the world one client and one workshop at a time. Maria provides individual client sessions and also facilitates workshops in both the USA and Portugal. Visit her website: Wise Shaman Within.
