I am a person of extremes. With me it’s all or nothing… and, right now the NOTHING is weighing heavily on me.
As all my original 2020 travel plans (I know I’m not alone) have been canceled, I struggle with finding something enjoyable that can be experienced within the confines of this flippin’ pandemic. (Which I am WAY OVER by the way).
Peru Or Bust!
My current funk stems from the fact that this week my son, Aidan, and I were supposed to return from Peru. I bought tickets months ago. As it were, we were scheduled to fly into Lima with the notion that we would take about three weeks and tour, by bus, from Lima south to Cusco, ending in La Paz Bolivia. This is my kind of travel. I’ve actually taken this trip before… before he was born and I wanted to show him the amazing wonders of that part of the world.
Forget the actual virus… which is no frail contender. I don’t even have my passport currently. Right before COVID I traveled to Mexico and upon my return sent in my, almost expired, passport for renewal. Well, talk about delayed. Between the government shut downs and the virus, I am not going anywhere anytime soon.
“Weird how crippling it feels to me to not have my passport.”
Weird how crippling it feels to me to not have my passport. I feel ‘trapped’, imprisoned. Well, i guess it’s hard to decipher if that’s from the “I can’t go or do anything” or because of the actual lack of passport.
I read on social media about how so many of you amazing women are spending your time. Some of you have lush gardens, or you’ve taken a local mini-trip, or, you’ve created masterpieces in the kitchen. I am running low on creativity. The three things that bring me joy: travel, live entertainment, and dining out are ALL off the menu currently. And, the wear and tear on my soul is starting to show.
How Do I Feed My Soul In The Current Crisis?
At the beginning of the pandemic I relished the pause. I indulged in a simpler, easy-paced, existence. For the first few months my life looked like this:
- Sleep in.
- Work on Kuel Life.
- Exercise.
- Connect virtually with loved ones & friends.
- Plan and make a healthy dinner for my family.
- REPEAT.
And, I liked it.
I’m So Bored.
“I hunger for novel experiences, for extended human interaction”
Now, I want to run screaming from the room. I am soooooo bored. And, before anyone reminds me; yes, I know I am one of the lucky ones. I have access to everything I need. The bottom of my Maslow pyramid is fulfilled. But, I am not. I hunger for novel experiences, for extended human interaction (outside the screen of my computer). I long to hear live music, or see a brilliant play on stage. The simple act of watching a bartender whip up an interesting unique cocktail dances in my memory, taunting me.
I never fully understood just how much I took it all for granted. In all honesty, I didn’t internalize just how important some privileges are to my psyche. And, I do mean privileges. We have been fortunate to have access to travel, entertainment, dining out with friends. We all know, none of those are essentials for surviving – they are luxuries. But, it’s those luxuries that fill my cup with joy; that makes the ongoing, everyday chores and responsibilities palatable.
I struggle with the idea of moving out of the “ALL” or the “NOTHING” and looking for the “IN BETWEEN”. Time is not renewable and each day that goes by is just that – a day that goes by. I know, it’s up to me to redefine my current life; to create new ways to replenish the joy cup. Interestingly enough, I feel stuck for the first time in my life. Not allowed to tap on my tried and trusty ways, has me at a crossroads. And, maybe, just maybe, this is exactly where I am supposed to be. No matter how uncomfortable I may feel.
Yup! I had three trips planned out of state that have had to be cancelled. In March, when it became evident that I couldn’t conduct the leadership training classes I loved in person, I decided to write a book I had outlined two years ago and had forgotten about. It was published August 3rd on Amazon. Mentoring Lifts and Inspires: Women Empowering Women hit #1 New Release! I don’t like feeling stuck or cornered, so writing a book and publishing it has felt very empowering. However, I’m still yearning to travel.
Way to make LEMONADE out of LEMONS! So impressive and congratulations on being a published author and #1 on Amazon. I love the title… as I have build Kuel Life for the purposes of providing a virtual community where we can empower one another. Thanks for reaching out. It feels good to be understood and heard.
I have great compassion for how you and others are feeling, Jack. I am not one of those who cleared and cleaned their home. I felt tired and sometimes exhausted. As an empath, I felt the collective’s experience of fear, sadness, anger, and fatigue. I’ve had to do inner clearing and while losing (once again) reference points in my life, like having your internal compass not know what direction is what.
A friend framed what is happening as a large download to the collective consciousness on this planet. They said when a large download happens on a computer, the computer needs to shut down to process it and integrate it. When I take in what’s happening (in my life and the one outside in the world) through this lens, it calms me in many ways, knowing I am (we are) part of a huge shift happening on this planet!
And then are the moments of what I don’t have access to or the way I could before. Being grateful for the privileges we had doesn’t exclude feeling loss and grieving. Or feeling angry. For me, it’s all part of moving through the experience of being human, and know that I am NOT a Mother Theresa, nor am I to be.
I’ve gotten more clear about what I need and what I don’t, what I will and won’t do, and what truly brings me joy and how to have it in my life every day.
I know I signed up to be a part of this time and all it brings. But next lifetime, I’m reading the papers more closely and having my lawyer review it!
I love the analogy to the computer download… boy, oh boy, do I feel a shutdown coming on. Thank you for sharing your experience with me and our Kuel Life Community. Knowing I am understood and not alone is incredibly helpful. And, I am with you…next go around I am lawyering-up.
I loved reading this.I so relate and I love seeing it being owned up to and out there. Having said this I have danced, exercised, listened to books and at the beginning of lickdown did the most amazing dejunking. Got to 50% and couldnt face any more. Maybe I’ll start doing some more when the heat subsides. Could continue with the list of stuff I do but I would bore the pants off you all. Thank you for your delicious frankness!
Thanks for reaching out Marion… 50% of dejunking is impressive. I need to get on that bandwagon… But, currently just struggling with getting on ‘any’ bandwagon. And, you’re welcome… frankness I got.
Hi Jack! Here are some suggestions on what to do with your “in between…” Learn something new, take a class, write in your journal, try breathing techniques to calm your heart and soul, learn yoga, turn your perspective sideways or upside down. Instead of looking at your current situation as a “block” ask what you could learn from this, or ask how you could make it easier on yourself. Ask how you could give to others at this time. Ask what might be the best use of your day since “out there” seems so limited. Start a new hobby, read a book series, clear your clutter one drawer at a time. Ask why you “really” feel so frustrated. What’s underneath that anger, boredom, frustration, fear of lack of control? Paint that feeling or draw it. Plan future travels, watch travel videos online. There is so much more. You have the world at your fingertips, look inside.
Thank you my friend. Those are all amazing suggestions. I am particularly fond of the ‘plan future travel’. But, I do need to clean out the clutter – one drawer at a time is about all I can handle. I gotta say… yoga and I are NOT friends… But, I am weight lifting. Does that count?
Hey Jack!! YES! Lifting weights DOES count! good for you. Clearing out one drawer at a time (consistently) will bring you satisfaction, I guarantee it. 👍 Go for it, Girl!