Overcoming Self-Doubt In Midlife: How To Trust Yourself and Let Go of Worry

Positive Aging Thought Leader: Maria Leonard Olsen

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” said First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt. Why, then, after many decades of life do we sometimes still feel less than?

I have become more confident in middle age. I must remain vigilant, however, to not allow seeds of self-doubt in midlife to detract from my life.

Deep Breath as A Form Of Meditation:

I do a lot of public speaking in this chapter of my life. Right before an event, I feel nervous. What if I don’t do a good job? What if I fail? Taking a deep breath is a form of meditation for me. It centers me and allows me to be fully present. I remember that courage is not the absence of fear, but feeling the fear and proceeding anyway.

We each have learned from the rock tumbler of life. How often have we worried about something that never came to be? Worry is not a productive use of our time. If something is not within our control, we must work hard to let go of it. Let go, or be dragged.

“We each have learned from the rock tumbler of life.”

It helps me to write down something I am worried about sometimes. I either write the worry into my journal or put it on a piece of paper that I slip into my “worry box.” The worry seems to lose its power when reduced to writing. And looking back on things I have written that never materialized helps reinforce the lesson that worrying is not worth it.

Being Worried What Others Think:

Worrying about what others think of us is one of the things we can discard. We cannot control other people’s minds. I made myself sick with anxiety trying to do so earlier in my life.

Worrying if we are good enough is another rock we can drop. We are all perfectly imperfect and we are all enough. We can strive to always do our best, but if we make a mistake, we can learn from it.

I was lucky to get into a top ten law school in my 20s. It felt as if I was surrounded by Ivy-league educated students and I doubted my ability to compete effectively. I did fine and got hired by one of the largest Washington, D.C. law firms upon graduating. The worry was for naught.

I try to remember this experience when self-doubt in midlife starts to creep into my consciousness. I try to focus on the task before me and refrain from future-tripping. I am my best self when I am fully present in whatever I do.

The Voice Within:

One shift I made in midlife is that I pay more attention to my intuition. Because I lacked confidence in my youth, I frequently sought input from many sources before I made important decisions. I no longer do that.  Instead, I listen to the voice within to guide me in my choices. If I am able to help even one person by my actions, I know that I am on the right track. And making this world a better place because I was here is one of my biggest life goals.

I also talk back to negative thoughts. We cannot control the first thought in our heads, but we can control the second thought and our actions. Many of us speak so harshly to ourselves. We can learn to talk to ourselves like we would talk to someone we love. Put down the bat of self-flagellation.

Another change I made was to surround myself with people who encourage, support and bring out the best in me. I limit my time with energy vampire-type people. Negative and competitive people used to make me wonder if I was an imposter in various ventures.

How to Overcome Self-Doubt in Midlife and Reclaim Your Confidence:

Moreover, studies indicate that we take on the characteristics of the people with whom we spend the most time. So, for instance, if we hang around with people who gossip a lot, we are likely to gossip more. If we spend time with heavy drinkers, we are likely to drink more. Limiting my time with people who drained energy from me or affected me negatively allowed me to have a more joyful life.

“If we are living lives authentic to our values, we cannot be imposters.”

Finally, I make choices to spend my time in ways that allow me to be my most authentic self. If we are living lives authentic to our values, we cannot be imposters.

So, before I take on anything new, I ask myself if it is bringing me closer to my goals or who I want to be, or if I am considering saying yes simply to please someone else. I fight my urge to people please now. It was ingrained in us, but does not have to shackle us anymore.

You are here for a reason. You are here to make a difference in your life and the lives of others. Think about whom you allow to be the arbiter of your worth. The answer should be you. Let’s let go of self-doubt in midlife.

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