Parent Coach for Moms of Teens: Fern Weis
If your teen’s eye rolls, silence, or snark leave you rattled, it may be time to ask what your teen’s behavior is trying to tell you, and how you can respond in a way that builds connection, not chaos.
Do you find yourself caught up in your teen’s words, tone, or attitude? Do you take their statements at face value? I used to. As a child, I believed what my parents said was always true and final. Now, I understand more.
What we say is often a mirror of what’s going on internally. Our reactions are usually driven by emotion rather than thoughtful responses.
Manage Emotions:
When you’re parenting a teen, it’s essential to understand that what you see on the outside; eye rolls, yelling, silence, is rarely a clear picture of what’s happening inside. Most teens haven’t developed the ability to manage their emotions well, so their distress shows up as defiance, disinterest, or disrespect.
But what if their behavior is actually a message in disguise?
I’m not a neuroscientist, but I know this: teen emotions are not all that different from ours. What we long for, they do, too. Here’s what your teen might really be trying to say:
- You’re in control. I have no power.
- Please hear me. I’m anxious, overwhelmed, or ashamed.
- I’m spiraling and don’t know how to stop.
- Love me—don’t just correct me.
- I hate needing you, but I do.
- Don’t walk away. I feel abandoned when you do.
The words and actions may be frustrating or hurtful, but they are signals. They’re telling you something deeper is going on, even if your teen doesn’t know what that is yet.
That’s why your presence matters more than your answers. You’re their anchor in the storm.
3 Essential Parenting Skills To Support, Not Escalate:
1. Pause:
Stop. Take a breath. Don’t rush in with a reaction or response. Let your silence create space, for both of you. Notice what triggered you: Was it their tone? Defiance? Disrespect? Your own worry or fatigue
2. Empathize:
Look beneath the behavior. What is your teen feeling that they can’t say out loud? Fear of failure? Rejection? Shame? When you lead with empathy, you connect instead of correct. You shift from control to compassion.
3. Acknowledge and Reflect:
Once you’re calm, reflect back what you think you’re hearing. This helps your teen feel seen and heard, even if nothing is “solved.”
“It sounds like you’re really struggling.”
“That must have been frustrating (or scary, or overwhelming).”
“I hear how disappointed you feel right now.”
You don’t have to agree with their emotions. Feelings are valid simply because they exist.
What Your Teen’s Behavior Is Trying To Tell You: “I Need a Safe Place to Land”
You are home base. Predictable. Stable. Even when your teen pushes back or pushes away, you are still the place they are anchored to, and the place they long to come back to.
When you offer the space for them to express their deeper selves, you offer something priceless: connection, trust, and the kind of love that doesn’t demand perfection.
So the next time your teen’s behavior triggers you, pause and ask: what is my teen really trying to tell me? Under the attitude, silence, or outburst, there’s often a deeper emotion; fear, shame, anxiety, or sadness. Your calm, grounded response may not “fix” the situation, but it does something more powerful: it makes you a safe place. And that’s what your teen needs most. Remember, behavior is communication, and understanding what your teen’s behavior is trying to tell you is the first step to real connection.
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About the Author:
Fern Weis is a Parent Empowerment Coach for Moms of Teens and a Family Recovery Coach. She’s also a wife, former middle school teacher, and the parent of two adult children who taught her more about herself than she ever could have imagined.
Fern partners with moms of teens and young adults, privately and in groups. She helps them grow their confidence to build strong relationships and emotionally healthier kids who become successful adults.
She knows first-hand that when parents do the work, the possibilities for change are limitless; that it’s never too late to start; and you don’t have to do it alone. Learn more about Fern at www.fernweis.com. Schedule your complimentary Parent Support Call at https://calendly.com/talktofern/discovery-call. Ready for support? Apply for a complimentary 30-minute Parent Discovery Call at https://calendly.com/talktofern/discovery-call.
