Midlife Dating: Laurie Gerber
Avoiding the most common early dating mistakes women over 50 make can save you time, energy, and heartache on the path to real love.
8 Common Dating Mistakes Women Over 50 Make In Early Dating:
I’ve been coaching women daters for more than 20 years, and what I have found is that the mistakes that they are making are common ones, so if you see yourself in this list, you are not alone!
Mistake #1: Planning The First Date To Be Dinner:
It’s too big a commitment in terms of time and energy, and too hard to end early if it’s not going well.
Better Alternative: Instead of committing to a full meal, start with a drink, coffee, or smoothie. That way, if you’re having a great time, you can extend the date into something more, like a meal or a walk.
The first date is your first chance to really check chemistry and rapport. If you’re not having fun, you need to cut it short because “dating fatigue” is real. If you go on too many dud dates, you’ll find yourself getting more and more cynical, and we can’t have that!
Mistake #2: Coming Unprepared:
You must be armed with interesting questions that get at the criteria you have for your potential mate. Please avoid “yes” or “no” questions and make sure the questions get to what you want to know.
Better Alternative: Please refer to my blog for actual questions to ask while on your dates, customize to your personality, and pick three to five, you’ll be sure to ask on each date.
Mistake #3: Drinking To Calm Anxiety:
I know it’s tempting to use a few drinks or a gummy to ensure you’ll be chill (more fun?) in early dating, but it’s the wrong solution.
Alcohol and drugs are known to diminish your ability to make quality decisions for your emotional and physical well-being. They also make you “less present” when you need to be more present so you can determine if your date is a good match.
There are other great ways to calm your anxiety. Try the alternative mentioned here:
Mistake #4: Meeting In Private:
One of the biggest mistakes women make is meeting in a private place on the first date, or anytime you are not planning to get physically intimate. This may seem obvious, but it’s important to meet in public, for the first few dates, while you are building trust and avoiding sex, so you can focus on getting to know each other better.
It can be tempting to have sex earlier than is best. Sometimes people do it thinking it will win the other person over, some people try it to “see” if they’re attracted or could become attracted. Some people just want to have sex. Don’t do it.
Better alternative: If you’re looking for your forever person, I suggest waiting ‘til after Date Three and agreeing to monogamy before having sex.
Mistake #5: Doing Something Loud Or Distracting In The First Three Dates:
One of the biggest second/third date mistakes is choosing an environment that doesn’t allow you to focus on each other. Loud restaurants, concerts, or crowded parties might sound fun, or less stressful than staring at each other face to face for hours, but the inherent distractions prevent the kind of questions and answers to which you need to attend.
Better alternative: The best way to set yourself up for success is by choosing a quiet, cozy setting where you can have an engaging conversation without shouting over background noise.
Mistake #6: Kissing, Getting Cuddly, Or Fooling Around If You’re Not Attracted:
It’s important to be honest with yourself and your date about your attraction. If you’re not feeling it, don’t force it.
It’s fine to try a smooch if you’re “not sure,” but if your body says no and you’re sure–please do not be tempted into any physical intimacy (including kissing), even if they offer, even if you are lonely, even if you ignored Tip Three and have been drinking, even if you feel bad for them. It is the wrong message to send.
Better alternative: If one or two dates don’t increase the chemistry, let him know in a nice way that you aren’t interested in continuing. That will be good karma and help you find your person that much sooner.
Mistake #7: Leaving Your Intentions A Mystery:
Be clear on what you’re looking for. By the second date, it’s time to eliminate yourself or them if you aren’t looking for the same thing.
Some women think they can be ok with casual, and if a long-term relationship happens, cool. And some women think that if a man says or implies he’s casual, she can change his mind. Both of those are bad bets. Someone who is ready to find their forever person knows it and is unequivocal about it.
Better alternative: Before the fourth date, you need to let the other person know if you are looking for a fling or “the real thing,” and find out what they are looking for, too. If it’s not a match→abort the mission!
Mistake #8: Avoiding The Deal-Breaker Questions:
Avoiding talking about awkward subjects doesn’t make them go away. I know we weren’t trained in having difficult conversations, and it will take practice to learn how to bring these things up, but you must!
It’s a disaster when you find out someone wants something completely different or has a habit or condition or personality trait that’s a dealbreaker for you after you’ve fallen for them and invested.
Better alternative: You’ve got to ask the tough questions about dealbreakers: Questions about things like health, money, exes, addictions and bad habits, sexual needs, and where you see yourself in five years are conversations for early dating!
WARNING:
Once you have four or more dates with a person, you unconsciously become “invested” even if the person is not right for you. That’s why Date Three is pivotal and the one that should be your decision point about whether you meet each other’s criteria and whether or not it really feels good and right.
Date Three is really your last chance to tell someone it’s not a match before you’ve wasted too much of their time or had sex and gotten attached. The meanest thing to do is to continue on in the hopes of avoiding being lonely, at the cost of you both finding your forever match. It just blows up later and becomes way more difficult and heartbreaking.
Date Three is your chance to get out with grace, if it’s not your person, end it. That’s what’s best for you both.
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About the Author:
Laurie Gerber is a love and dating coach with 20 years of experience working with couples, individuals and groups. She’s been featured widely in print, on TV, radio, podcasts and been the resident love expert at Match, Zoosk, Jdate, and more. Laurie shares free training here. Her dating advice can be found at lauriegerber.com
