Parent Coach for Moms of Teens: Fern Weis
Learning how to let go as a parent can feel impossible, especially when love, fear, and control all blur together; but true acceptance is not the same as giving up.
How To Let Go As A Parent; Why Acceptance Is Not Giving Up
I’ll give it to you straight, right here in the first line. Letting go isn’t giving up. It’s accepting that you cannot fix it (whatever or whoever ‘it’ is). It’s when you stop fighting with reality. The end.
Not really. You know I can’t leave it like that, and I already hear your questions:
- How can I let go when my kid is doing poorly in school?
- How can I let go when they’re spending so damn much time on the phone or gaming?
- How can I let go when I don’t like their friends?
- How can I let go when they’re so disrespectful?
- How can I let go when they don’t live up to my hopes and expectations?
Why Letting Go Feels So Hard for Parents:
Let’s take a closer look. I’ll go first.
It’s a hard lesson to realize that I’m not the CEO of the universe; that I cannot change the person in front of me; that change begins with me.
The Turning Point — Shifting from Control to Acceptance:
At one point in my life, I’ve faced:
- Infertility.
- Adoption.
- Learning differences.
- Broken dreams.
- Off-track child.
- Jobs I hated.
Ultimately, I had to adjust to a new reality and go from there. I could cry and rage (and did). Venting is useful; staying in that space is not.
How to Let Go as a Parent (Without Giving Up):
So, when you ‘let go’, then what? How can you make it different from ‘giving up’?
- Examine the situation and ask, “What’s in my control? What’s not?” Be realistic.
- Remember that you make and enforce decisions about what goes on in your home and in your presence. Once they walk out the door, it’s out of your hands.
- If you’re having trouble with enforcement and consistency, examine the situation. Is it that important?
a. If yes, what other approach can you take?
b. If not, what would you focus on instead?
The bottom line is that something’s got to give and it’s probably going to be you. Talking to a wall just isn’t working, so why keep doing it? Stop waiting for your child to step up and do the ‘right’ thing. The better thing. The thing you want because you know better and you had their life all planned out for them.
I’m still learning and growing. This is the work of a lifetime. I’ve discovered that my dreams for my children may not be best for them. They have their own path and will figure it out, one way or another. I know now that maintaining a loving, honest, and respectful relationship with them is more important than anything else. (Some days are better than others. That’s the way it goes.)
Trying to control them backfires, always. It erodes trust and connection, and I don’t get what I want anyway. Over the years I’ve figured out what works better. I work on it, one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, depending upon what’s going on.
What Letting Go Really Means:
Letting go = accepting that you cannot fix everything.
Letting go = accepting the reality of a situation and your part in it.
It never means giving up. There is always another way, as long as you don’t insist on things going your way. Your children are too precious for your ego to get in the way.
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About the Author:
Fern Weis is a Parent Empowerment Coach for Moms of Teens and a Family Recovery Coach. She’s also a wife, former middle school teacher, and the parent of two adult children who taught her more about herself than she ever could have imagined.
Fern partners with moms of teens and young adults, privately and in groups. She helps them grow their confidence to build strong relationships and emotionally healthier kids who become successful adults.
She knows first-hand that when parents do the work, the possibilities for change are limitless; that it’s never too late to start; and you don’t have to do it alone. Learn more about Fern at www.fernweis.com. Schedule your complimentary Parent Support Call at https://calendly.com/talktofern/discovery-call. Ready for support? Apply for a complimentary 30-minute Parent Discovery Call at https://calendly.com/talktofern/discovery-call.
