Divorce and Transitions: Mardi Winder-Adams
Can you stay friends after divorce? That’s a question I hear a great deal.
One of the most common things I hear from women in non-abusive marriages going through divorce, particularly when their spouse is a great parent to the children, is the desire to have a positive, friendly, and ongoing relationship post-divorce.
Even with a large number of women I work with where kids are not a factor, the desire to continue to stay in the friend zone after a divorce is a significant goal.
I believe it is possible to stay friends after a divorce under the right conditions, and I have many clients that have achieved this, even with a rocky start. Unfortunately, those conditions must be present for both spouses, or at least both must be open to the option. The flip side of this coin is that you cannot force a person to remain in contact or to have positive interactions with you post-divorce, just as you cannot force one person to stay in a marriage if they want to leave.
Using Conflict For Understanding:
Having a “good divorce” does not mean it is a conflict-free process. I have long been a big supporter of using disagreements and conflict as a way to understand the situation and to look at options that may be new, innovative, creative, or just more practical.
“Having a “good divorce” does not mean it is a conflict-free process.”
In many amicable divorce cases, the couple decides how they want to divide the assets and liabilities and even how they want to structure their co-parenting agreement. Like making sausage, this is a messy process. It is common for people to get angry, feel cheated or hurt, or have strong reactions to the perceived unfairness of what the other person is asking for or negotiating to get. Working with a neutral party, such as a divorce mediator, can help create a safe and comfortable environment to keep these discussions on track.
The ability to draft your own divorce agreement is a strong foundation for future interactions and possibilities to work collaboratively rather than ongoing legal issues and multiple trips back to the court.
Continuing To Respect The Other:
Respect is a big part of sustaining a relationship through a divorce. You may not like what the ex asks for or even what they may do. However, if you can respect them as an individual and have the empathy to put yourself in their shoes, you can often rebuild a friendship on the other side of divorce.
If you want to continue to be friends with an ex, set clear boundaries and avoid sending mixed signals. This is especially important if you initiated the divorce and you know they would have preferred to stay together. In other words, don’t cross the line between emotional and/or physical intimacy or hint at these issues to prevent misunderstandings, anger, and really uncomfortable situations.
Let Things Cool Down:
Most people experience intense emotions in the first six to eight months of the divorce, with these levels dropping when the cost of staying angry with each other becomes apparent. With ongoing short interactions during the exchange of the kiddos, parents can slowly begin to change how they see their spouse. This transformation from “the person divorcing me” to “the parent of my child” is a necessary step to both reduce anger and to begin to restructure the relationship from spouses to a cohesive, collaborative co-parenting team.
Create Your Unique Post-Divorce Relationship:
There is this expectation that going through a divorce is like going through a war, and the combatants come out the other side as enemies for life. If your ex is a safe, healthy, and caring person, don’t let your friends or family talk you out of continuing to stay in touch if that is what you both want to do.
“Creating your relationship with your ex post-divorce is your unique experience.”
Stay Friends After Divorce:
I have worked with clients who go on vacations as a family, celebrate the holidays together, and do birthdays and other special events, particularly if younger children are involved. It is also not uncommon for ex-spouses of older kids to get together once a month and go for dinner and talk about the kids. I am not recommending this as a goal in divorce, but if it works for you both, do it!
Creating your relationship with your ex post-divorce is your unique experience. While it isn’t for everyone or every divorcing couple, there is no reason you cannot be friends or at least civil colleagues in raising your kids.
How common is a good divorce? I honestly don’t know. But I can say without hesitation that having a good relationship post-divorce takes work, understanding, and a willingness to leave the past behind. In my experience, most couples are at least civil to each other at some point in the future, and this is the best possible outcome for the kids and grandchildren when they arrive on the scene.
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About the Author:
Mardi Winder-Adams is an Executive and Leadership Coach, Certified Divorce Transition Coach, and a Credentialed Distinguished Mediator in Texas. She has experienced her own divorce, moved to a new country and started her own business, and worked through the challenges of being a caregiver and managing the loss of a spouse.
Handling life transitions and pivots is her specialty! In her professional role as a divorce coach, Mardi has helped hundreds of women before, during, and after divorce to reduce the emotional and financial costs of the process. She is the founder of Positive Communication Systems, LLC.
