Parent Coach for Moms of Teens: Fern Weis
An apology without behavior change is just a formula, and over time, it quietly destroys trust.
Most apologies are meaningless because they’re missing one significant component.
In the beginning, apologies feel good. You’ve been heard, and your hurt acknowledged. After a while, though, apologies from the same person are empty; they’ve become a formula that lacks one essential thing to truly be effective and create trust.
A behavior change. Without it, the apology is like a get-out-of-jail-free card. A way to make nice and hope it all goes away.
Think about how that feels on the receiving end. The first few times, you forgive. You want to believe it. But when the same thing happens again and again, the apology stops landing. You start to brace for it. You stop trusting. That erosion is quiet, but it’s real. And it adds up.
The change in behavior says, “I value you and our relationship. I care enough to examine my own behavior; to own my part in this; to work on changing how I react and respond.”
Here’s the part that’s harder to admit: this applies to you, too. When you catch yourself apologizing to your teen for the same things over and over, that’s worth paying attention to. Saying sorry and not changing isn’t just frustrating to receive. It teaches your child that words are cheap.
And this means I’d have fewer reasons to apologize for my behavior, and we’d enjoy each other more.
The Parenting Connection
Why an Apology Without Behavior Change Teaches Kids the Wrong Lesson
Do you remember when your child was a toddler, and you insisted they apologize for hitting, taking another child’s toy, or another infraction?
They were too young to do anything but be fueled and ruled by big feelings.
And that forced “sorry” rarely meant anything. You knew it. The other child knew it. Your toddler certainly knew it. We push for the words because it feels like we’re teaching something. But without the internal experience to back them up, we’re just teaching kids to perform remorse, not feel it. Research on forced apologies backs this up consistently.
Building the Skills That Make Apologies Real
As they get older, it’s time to teach them critical self-regulation skills:
- to be aware of their emotions when or just after they appear
- to examine how their emotions affect their state of mind
- to understand the effect of their reactions on those around them
- to encourage them to be gentle with themselves
What This Looks Like with Your Teen
In practice, this might look like pausing after a blow-up with your teen, when everyone has calmed down, and asking: “What were you feeling right before that happened?” Not to assign blame. Not to lecture. Just to get them curious about their own inner world. When they can name the feeling, they start to own it. And when they own it, they can begin to change how they respond to it. That’s the bridge between a hollow apology and a meaningful one. It doesn’t happen overnight. But it starts with one honest conversation.
If you’ve ever wondered whether you’re showing up the right way for your teen, you’re not alone. Many moms hit a wall and ask themselves where it all went wrong. The good news: it’s not too late to stop feeling like a failure as a parent and start showing up differently.
This is the beginning of emotional intelligence, and a prelude to the meaningful apology. It’s followed by a willingness to look at oneself and develop new ways to cope with feelings.
Ultimately, these skills lead to more loving, trusting relationships. And that’s what life is about, isn’t it?
The apology without behavior change is just a starting point, and a shaky one. What you really want, for your kids and for yourself, is the kind of relationship where trust doesn’t have to keep being rebuilt from scratch. That’s the work. And it’s absolutely worth doing
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About the Author:
Fern Weis is a Parent Empowerment Coach for Moms of Teens and a Family Recovery Coach. She’s also a wife, former middle school teacher, and the parent of two adult children who taught her more about herself than she ever could have imagined. Â
Fern partners with moms of teens and young adults, privately and in groups. She helps them grow their confidence to build strong relationships and emotionally healthier kids who become successful adults.
She knows first-hand that when parents do the work, the possibilities for change are limitless; that it’s never too late to start; and you don’t have to do it alone. Learn more about Fern at www.fernweis.com. Schedule your complimentary Parent Support Call at https://calendly.com/talktofern/discovery-call. Ready for support? Apply for a complimentary 30-minute Parent Discovery Call at https://calendly.com/talktofern/discovery-call.
