Kim Muench, Becoming Me Thought Leader
Setting clear boundaries for adult children with mental health challenges is one of the most compassionate steps you can take, for their growth and your peace of mind.
Setting Boundaries With Adult Children, A Real-Life Parenting Dilemma:
Q: I have a 29-year-old transgender daughter with mental health challenges (on the autism spectrum and has ADD).
She lives at home, works part time, and is seeing a therapist, but progress feels very slow. She has a degree in religion and English. I’ve helped her in every way I can, including finding a career counselor. I’m exhausted.
My 25-year-old son lives on his own but is also slow to launch—he has a college degree in music but isn’t motivated to find a better-paying job. We help him with his car and about $100/month for health insurance. I know I need to set boundaries, but I don’t want to lose our connection. I feel our relationships are strained because of my frustration. What should I do?
— Tired, Loving Mom
A: First, I want to acknowledge the depth of your love and effort. You’re not just “being supportive” — you’ve showed up again and again, through school, mental health struggles, identity milestones, and more. That’s no small thing. But I also hear the exhaustion in your voice, and the quiet guilt that maybe you’re doing too much, or somehow not enough.
4 Clear Boundaries For Adult Children With Mental Health Challenges:
Let’s walk through this, piece by piece. Emerging adults like yours, bright, neurodiverse, sensitive, maybe anxious, were never built for a world like this. There are fewer jobs that make use of their degrees, healthcare is a maze, rent is out of reach, and mental health care moves at a glacial pace.
But knowing that doesn’t mean you keep carrying it all.
How to Stop Enabling Your Adult Child While Still Offering Support:
Step 1: Shift Your Job Description:
At this stage in their lives, your role is not “project manager” or “emergency fixer.” It’s coach, consultant, and compassionate boundary-setter. Let your kids wrestle with the uncomfortable feelings that motivate growth, like boredom, dissatisfaction, or even low-level fear. If you keep patching every leak, they’ll never learn how to build a boat, right?
You’re not abandoning them. You’re making space for them to become.
Step 2: Communicate From Compassion, Not Frustration:
Before you set new boundaries, name what’s true, out loud and with kindness.
Try something like: “I love you both deeply, and I realize I’ve been trying to solve problems that aren’t mine to solve. I know you’re both capable, even when you feel stuck. So, I’m going to be shifting how I support you. This is not out of anger or punishment, it’s because I trust in your ability to figure things out.”
This opens the door for new expectations without a side of shame.
Boundaries For Grown Children Living At Home vs. On Their Own:
Step 3: Set Boundaries That Reflect Your Values:
You mentioned needing help with boundaries, and you’re right, that’s where everything begins to change. Here’s a starting framework for each of your kids:
For Your Daughter (29, At home):
- Physical boundary: Set expectations around chores, privacy, shared space.
- Financial boundary: Consider a small weekly rent contribution or clear time limits around continued housing support (e.g., “We’ll revisit this in 6 months”).
- Growth boundary: Instead of doing the work for her (finding resources, making appointments), ask her to propose her own plan, even a small one.
For Your Son (25, Living Independently):
- Financial boundary: Define the limit of your monthly help. For example, “We’ll continue $100/month for six more months, then we are stepping back.”
- Relational boundary: Consider a monthly check-in where you ask, “Is there one area in your life you want to make progress in?” And then resist offering solutions unless invited.
And remember: boundaries are not ultimatums. They’re ways to honor both your needs and theirs.
Step 4: Put Down What’s Not Yours:
Your daughter’s career path? Your son’s motivation? Those belong to them now.
What belongs to you is how you show up: loving, clear, consistent. You are allowed to protect your time, your money, your energy…even from people you love.
That doesn’t make you cold. It makes you trustworthy.
Final Thought: Let Love And Limits Coexist:
You can say:
- “I’m not paying for that anymore,” and still be kind.
- “This is the last time I’ll step in,” and still be proud.
- “I’m taking care of myself,” and still be an amazing mom.
Letting go doesn’t mean letting them fall. It means letting them climb.
And yes, that can take time. Progress, especially in the context of autism, ADD, and depression, often isn’t linear. You can walk alongside them without dragging them forward.
You’ve done more than enough. Now it’s time to parent from the passenger seat, calmly, clearly, and with just enough fuel to enjoy the ride.
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About the Author:
Kim Muench (pronounced minch, like pinch with an “m”) is a Jai (rhymes with buy) Institute for Parenting Certified Conscious Parenting Coach who specializes in working with mothers of adolescents (ages 10+). Knowing moms are the emotional barometer in their families, Kim is passionate about educating, supporting and encouraging her clients to raise their children with intention and guidance rather than fear and control. Kim’s three plus decades parenting five children and years of coaching other parents empowers her to lead her clients into healthier, happier, more functional relationships with compassion and without judgment.
You can find out more about her mission and services at www.reallifeparentguide.com. She is on Facebook at Real Life Parent Guide, Instagram, and on LinkedIn as well. For additional support and encouragement, consider joining Kim’s group specifically supporting parents of emerging adults 18-30. They meet twice a week online. Check it out here.
