Midlife Shaman: Maria da Silva
These midlife self-compassion practices began with a bold decision: remove the word should from everyday life and see what happens next.
What Happened When I Removed One Word From My Vocabulary
For one entire year, I removed one word from my vocabulary:
Should.
No, “I should volunteer for that.”
No, “I should donate.”
No, “I should go out with her even though I’m exhausted.”
No, “I should drive three hours to see my brother.”
No, “I should, I should, I should.”
If the sentence contained the word should, I didn’t do the thing.
Some of the shoulds were small:
- “I should put the grocery cart back.”
- “I should answer that email tonight.”
- “I should go for a walk even though my body feels heavy.”
Some of the shoulds were enormous:
“I should drive three hours to visit my brother,” even though long-distance driving exhausts me, and time with him carries emotional weight. He is a lifelong heavy drinker, and loving him is not simple or light. It never has been.
For years, I believed should was the voice of responsibility, decency, and kindness. But during that year, I discovered something surprising: Should was also the voice of pressure. Guilt. Self-betrayal.
So I practiced not obeying it.
Midlife Self-Compassion Practices: Replace ‘Should’ With Something Kinder
When should appeared, I paused.
- I listened to my body.
- I listened to my breath.
- I asked a different question:
What do I actually want to do?
What feels kind to myself in this moment?
Slowly, something changed. Instead of “I should,” I began using different language:
- I choose to.
- I get to.
- I want to.
- I’m not doing this — and that’s okay.
Those small shifts created enormous freedom.
Where Do Our Shoulds Come From, Anyway?
I learned that many of my “shoulds” were inherited from my family, culture, and societal expectations, as well as old stories about who I was supposed to be. They were not coming from my present, living self.
For more inspiration on mindful reinvention, explore these kindness and gratitude practices.
When I released them, I felt lighter. More honest. More grounded. More me.
The Most Important Lesson of the Year
And here is the most important lesson that emerged from that year: Compassion does not begin with others. It begins with ourselves.
- Sometimes being compassionate means saying no.
- Sometimes it means disappointing someone.
- Sometimes it means resting instead of performing.
- Sometimes it means protecting your energy, your heart, your nervous system.
For one year, No Shoulds became my greatest act of self-care.
It wasn’t a one-time decision.
It was a daily practice.
Practice.
Practice.
Practice.
And over time, the voice of should grew quieter.
In its place came something far more powerful:
Choice.
- Choice is not selfish.
- Choice is not lazy.
- Choice is not unkind.
Choice is how we honor the lives we are actually living—not the ones we think we are supposed to live.
Try This: Your Own Week of No Shoulds
You don’t have to commit to a full year to feel the shift. Start with one week.
Day 1–7: The No Shoulds Practice
1. Notice the Word
Pay attention to how often should appears in your thoughts and conversations.
2. Pause When It Does
When you hear yourself say, “I should…,” stop.
3. Replace the Language
Try one of these instead:
I choose to…
I want to…
I get to…
I’m not doing this, and that’s okay.
4. Check in With Your Body
Ask yourself:
Does this feel supportive or depleting?
Let your body help you decide.
You can also explore additional self-compassion exercises from experts in the field.
Honor One Compassionate No Each Day
Choose one thing daily that you release—not from avoidance, but from kindness toward yourself.
At the end of the week, reflect:
Where did I feel lighter?
What surprised me?
What would it look like to carry this forward?
You may discover that when should loosens its grip, your life becomes quieter, clearer, and far more your own.
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About the Author:
Maria da Silva is a practicing shaman, writer and traveler who lives in Plymouth, Massachusetts and travels frequently to her home islands of the Azores. The founder of Wise Shaman Within, she is bringing peace, healing, and light to the world one client and one workshop at a time. Maria provides individual client sessions and also facilitates workshops in both the USA and Portugal. Visit her website: Wise Shaman Within.
