You don’t need a reason to want something, though for most of my life I was ready with one anyway, a tidy explanation prepared before anyone even had to ask.
The Question I Was Always Ready To Answer
“Why are you doing that?” It is such an innocent question. And yet, sometimes I hear it differently now. For most of my life, I was prepared to answer it.
Why are you going there?
Why are you buying that?
Why are you taking a day off?
Why did you say no?
Why would you want to do that?
Why would you change your mind?
I always seemed to need a reason. A good reason. A sensible reason. A reason that would make sense to someone else.
Women are particularly well trained in this. We learn to explain ourselves.
I need to rest because I’m exhausted.
I can’t come because I have an appointment.
I’m spending the money because I really need this.
I’m traveling because…
I’m saying no because…
Even our pleasures sometimes require a defense.
What If I Don’t Need A Reason?
Somewhere along the way, I began to wonder: What if I don’t need a reason?
What if I want to go simply because I want to go?
What if I don’t want to go—and that is enough?
What if I change my mind?
What if I spend an afternoon doing absolutely nothing productive?
What if I buy the beautiful thing that makes me smile?
What if I take the trip, start the project, wear the dress, learn something new, or simply sit by the ocean because something inside me says, Yes. This.
Perhaps this is one of the gifts of getting older. We begin to understand the difference between explaining our lives and actually living them.
From a shamanic perspective, there is a wisdom in learning to listen beneath the noise. Beneath the expectations. Beneath the endless chorus of should and supposed to.
There is a quieter voice there. It doesn’t argue. It doesn’t present a five-point justification. It simply knows.
I have come to think of this as inner permission. Not permission granted by a spouse, a friend, a parent, a child, a boss, or society. Permission granted by me.
And that doesn’t mean becoming selfish or careless. It means becoming more honest. There is a difference.
Choosing Without Needing To Explain
When we stop requiring a reason for every choice, we can begin asking a more meaningful question:
Does this feel true for me?
Not, Will everyone understand?
Not, Will everyone approve?
Not even, Does this make perfect sense?
But, Does this feel true?
Sometimes the answer will be no. And that is valuable information, too.
Perhaps I don’t want to attend the dinner.
Perhaps I don’t want to take on another responsibility.
Perhaps I don’t want to explain why I need some time alone.
Perhaps I don’t want to do something I have always done simply because I have always done it.
And perhaps I do.
Perhaps I want to dance.
Travel.
Write.
Love.
Begin again.
Change my mind.
Follow a curiosity.
Take the long way home.
Sit quietly with a cup of tea and watch the light move across the room.
There doesn’t always have to be a reason. Sometimes desire is information. Sometimes curiosity is a compass. Sometimes joy is enough.
A Small Practice: You Don’t Need A Reason To Want Something
For one week, notice how often you hear yourself say:
I should…
I have to…
I need a good reason to…
I have to explain…
When you catch yourself, pause.
Take a breath and ask:
What do I actually want?
Then experiment with replacing the old language with:
I want…
I don’t want…
I choose…
I get to…
You don’t have to act on every desire. The practice is simply learning to hear yourself again. Because perhaps this chapter of our lives isn’t about becoming more reasonable. Perhaps it is about becoming more real.
The Beautiful Truth We Discover
After decades of meeting expectations, caring for others, fulfilling responsibilities, and explaining our choices, we may finally discover a beautiful truth:
We are allowed to live a life that makes sense to us. Even if it doesn’t make sense to everyone else.
And maybe, at this age, I don’t need a reason anymore. I’m not looking for more reasons, I’m looking for more life.
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About the Author:
Maria da Silva is a practicing shaman, writer and traveler who lives in Plymouth, Massachusetts and travels frequently to her home islands of the Azores. The founder of Wise Shaman Within, she is bringing peace, healing, and light to the world one client and one workshop at a time. Maria provides individual client sessions and also facilitates workshops in both the USA and Portugal. Visit her website: Wise Shaman Within.
