Feel Guilty Spending Money On Yourself?

“At this stage of life, perhaps the question isn’t simply, ‘Can I afford it?’ Perhaps it’s, ‘Can I live with myself inside this choice?'”

Last month, I wrote about the hidden splits in our relationship with money, the places where what we think, feel, say and do don’t quite line up.

This month, I want to take that idea one step further.

Because once we begin noticing those splits, another question appears:

What would it feel like if my financial life actually matched who I am?

Not perfectly.

Not according to someone else’s rules.

But with enough alignment that I no longer have to keep overriding myself.

Why This Matters So Much For Women Over 50

I think this becomes particularly important for women over 50.

We’ve had decades to learn how to function.

We know how to make things work.

We know how to compromise, accommodate, stretch a dollar, support a family, meet expectations and carry responsibility.

But eventually, another kind of wisdom begins asking for our attention.

Does the way I earn, spend, give and receive money actually feel true to me?

Integrity Is Not About Being Good

When I use the word integrity, I’m not talking about being morally perfect.

I’m talking about wholeness.

The word itself carries the sense of something being intact, not divided against itself.

Financial integrity happens when our inner and outer lives begin to agree.

Where Your Money And Your Values Split Apart

Perhaps you value rest, but continue working at a pace your body can no longer sustain.

Perhaps you believe your work has value, but consistently undercharge.

Perhaps you tell your adult children they need to become financially independent, while continuing to rescue them whenever they struggle.

Perhaps you’re generous with everyone around you, yet feel guilty spending money on yourself.

Perhaps you have enough money, but your nervous system still behaves as though catastrophe is just around the corner.

None of these makes you a bad person.

They simply reveal a place where two parts of you haven’t yet come into relationship.

And that is where the work becomes interesting.

Your Body Has Financial Information

For much of my life, I thought important decisions were made primarily with the mind.

I’ve come to understand that the body often knows something long before our thinking mind is willing to acknowledge it.

Money is no exception.

Notice what happens in your body when you imagine:

• Raising your rates.
• Looking at your retirement accounts.
• Saying no to someone asking for financial help.
• Spending some of your savings.
• Asking to be paid.
• Leaving work that no longer fits.
• Receiving more than you’re accustomed to receiving.

Your stomach may tighten.

Your shoulders may rise.

Your breathing may become shallow.

You may suddenly want to do something, anything, other than deal with the decision in front of you.

We often respond by overriding these sensations.

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I should be able to do this.”

“There’s nothing to worry about.”

What If You Became Curious Instead?

But what if we became curious instead?

The body isn’t necessarily telling us what decision to make.

A tight stomach doesn’t automatically mean “don’t do it.”

But it may be telling us:

Something important is happening here. Please don’t leave me behind while you decide.

That is a very different relationship with ourselves.

Listen To The Words You Use Around Money

Integrity also lives in our speech.

Listen to the things you habitually say:

• “I don’t need much.”
• “I’m terrible with money.”
• “Money isn’t important to me.”
• “I couldn’t possibly charge that.”
• “I’m lucky anyone pays me to do this.”
• “I’ll be fine.”

Sometimes these statements are true.

Sometimes they are old strategies for belonging.

Many women learned that being easygoing, undemanding, generous and modest made relationships safer.

But those strategies have financial consequences.

If you repeatedly say your work isn’t a big deal, eventually you may struggle to ask others to value it.

If you constantly tell yourself you don’t need much, you may stop noticing what you genuinely need.

If you say you’re “fine” when you’re frightened, you lose an opportunity to meet your fear with care.

Choosing A More Truthful Sentence

Financial integrity asks us to make our speech a little more truthful.

Not dramatic.

Not harsh.

Just accurate.

Perhaps:

“This is difficult for me to ask for, and my work has value.”

Or:

“I want to help you, and I can’t afford to do that.”

Or simply:

“Actually, this matters to me.”

There can be tremendous dignity in an accurate sentence.

When Goodness Becomes Self-Abandonment

This is particularly important for women who are naturally generous.

In Buddhist teachings, there is the concept of merit, the goodness generated through generosity, ethical action, compassion and service.

Many women over 50 have generated an extraordinary amount of this goodness.

We have cared.

Worked.

Given.

Supported.

Raised.

Mentored.

Donated.

Volunteered.

Held things together when they might otherwise have fallen apart.

When You Feel Guilty Spending Money On Yourself

But there is a subtle question worth asking:

Does my generosity include me?

Giving is beautiful.

Giving because we’re afraid someone will be disappointed with us is something different.

Helping an adult child because we freely choose to is one thing.

Helping because we cannot tolerate their discomfort is another.

Reducing a fee because we genuinely want to offer someone support is different from reducing it because we’re afraid they’ll think we’re greedy.

The outward action can look exactly the same.

The inner experience can be completely different.

This is why financial integrity cannot be measured simply by what we do.

We have to become interested in where the action is coming from.

Can You Do It Without Abandoning Yourself?

There is a Buddhist practice I work with that uses the image of yellow light.

The light represents ethical integrity, but I don’t experience ethics here as a list of rules.

I experience it as illumination.

The light shines into the places where we have become divided from ourselves.

It asks:

Can I do this with awareness?

Can I do this without causing unnecessary harm, including harm to myself?

Can I do it without needing the outcome to prove something about who I am?

Those are powerful questions to bring to money.

Bringing The Yellow Light To Your Money Decisions

Imagine pausing before a financial decision and asking:

• Can I say yes to this without resentment?
• Can I say no without making the other person wrong?
• Can I earn this money in a way that agrees with my values?
• Can I spend this without punishing myself afterward?
• Can I receive this without immediately needing to give something back?
• Can I make a mistake without turning the mistake into a judgment about myself?

Suddenly financial integrity isn’t an abstract spiritual idea.

It’s extraordinarily practical.

Money Without Self-Abandonment

For many women, the financial work of our younger years was about building.

Earning.

Saving.

Providing.

Surviving.

Creating security.

Those things still matter.

But perhaps the financial work of our later years includes something else:

learning how not to abandon ourselves in the process.

Maybe we no longer want the promotion if obtaining it requires sacrificing our health.

Maybe we’re ready to stop financially rescuing people we love.

Maybe we want to spend some of the money we’ve spent decades accumulating.

Maybe we want to be paid properly.

Maybe we want to give generously, but joyfully rather than compulsively.

Maybe “enough” is beginning to mean something very different.

These aren’t merely financial decisions.

They’re questions of integrity.

A Different Kind Of Financial Check-In

The next time you’re facing a money decision, before reaching for the calculator, try asking yourself five questions:

1. What is my body saying?
2. What am I telling myself about this?
3. What do I actually believe is right?
4. Where is the generosity here, and does it include me?
5. Does the action I’m about to take match those answers?

You may discover that they don’t all agree.

That’s okay.

You don’t need to force them into alignment.

Sometimes simply noticing the disagreement is enough to interrupt an old pattern.

Then you can wait.

Listen.

Become curious.

And make the decision from a little more of yourself.

Becoming Someone You Can Trust

Perhaps this is one of the deepest forms of financial security available to us after 50.

Not knowing that nothing difficult will ever happen.

Not accumulating enough money to eliminate uncertainty.

But developing the experience:

I won’t abandon myself when something difficult happens.

I will listen.

I will tell myself the truth.

I will act according to my values.

I will care for others without disappearing from the equation.

And when I get it wrong, because sometimes I will, I will come back and begin again.

That kind of integrity creates a very different relationship with money.

The goal is no longer to control everything.

It is to become someone we can trust.

And perhaps that’s a form of wealth we’ve been looking for all along.

Did you enjoy this article? Become a Kuel Life Member today to support our Community. Sign-up for our Sunday newsletter and get your content delivered straight to your inbox.

About the Author: