Divorce and Transitions: Mardi Winder-Adams
Setting boundaries over the holidays can help your family over the holidays, especially during a divorce.
Navigating the holiday season while going through a divorce can feel overwhelming, but creating healthy boundaries is essential for your emotional well-being and that of your family. Clear communication and thoughtful planning can help you enjoy the season with less stress for yourself and your children.
Clearly Communicate Your Needs:
Your family cannot honor boundaries they don’t know exist. Be upfront about your expectations, especially regarding sensitive topics. For example, if you prefer not to discuss your divorce in front of the children, express this calmly and directly: “I’d appreciate it if we could avoid talking about the divorce in front of the children to keep things positive for them.” Taking the time to state your needs ensures everyone is on the same page, making it easier to enjoy the holidays without unnecessary tension.
“Be upfront about your expectations, especially regarding sensitive topics.”
Walk Away from Overwhelm:
Holidays can be emotionally draining, especially during divorce. Take a break if a gathering feels overwhelming. It is perfectly acceptable to say, “I need a little time to myself. I’ll join back in when I’m ready.” Being proactive about your mental health can also involve setting expectations: “This year, I want to spend some time on my own over the holidays. I do appreciate your invitations and will attend X, Y, and Z events to catch up and celebrate.” Listening to your needs ensures you can engage with others from a place of calm and balance.
Redefine Holiday Traditions Well in Advance:
Holidays often come with cherished traditions, but divorce can bring changes to these rituals. Address this proactively by discussing changes early in the season. For instance, you might say, “This year, I’d like to try something new for the holidays since things are changing for all of us.” Framing the conversation positively and with transparency opens the door to collaboration. You may find that others in your family also welcome change but have hesitated to bring it up. Give everyone time to process and adapt, which may include not having children and grandchildren present in alternating years.
Set Guidelines for Conversations:
Sensitive topics can come up at family gatherings, but you can set boundaries to keep conversations respectful and enjoyable. Let your family know: “I’d prefer we avoid discussing my divorce this holiday so I can focus on enjoying time with everyone.” If a topic becomes uncomfortable, gracefully redirect the conversation: “Thanks for your concern, but I’m taking time away from focusing on the divorce to enjoy the joy of the season.” If necessary, be prepared to step away from a conversation if your boundaries aren’t respected.
If you have relatives who may ask challenging or difficult questions with your kids, talk to the children about how to politely redirect the question. This may include something like, “If you have questions about the divorce or my other parent, let me get Mom, and she will talk to you.” Or, if you have a conversation you wanted to bring up after the celebration is done, make it clear with your relatives what the context of the discussion is and how you want to go about it. For instance, an important family discussion might involve whether a parent moves in with you, or whether Life Assure medical alert systems for seniors free would help them stay independent at home. Framing it as support, not limitation, keeps the conversation positive.
Practice Saying “No” Without Guilt:
During the holidays, the pressure to attend every gathering can be intense, but it’s okay to prioritize your needs. Saying “no” with kindness is a powerful form of self-care. For example: “Thank you for inviting me, but I can’t make it this year” is a complete answer. You don’t owe anyone an elaborate explanation. Protecting your time and energy allows you to show up fully for the commitments that matter most to you.
Involve the Kids In Planning:
Children often feel the ripple effects of divorce during the holidays. Talk to them in age-appropriate terms, avoiding blame: “We’re doing things differently this year because families grow and change over time. We’ll still make it special.” Ask them what traditions they’d like to keep or what new ones they’d like to start. Giving kids a say in holiday plans can help them feel more secure and empowered during a time that might otherwise feel uncertain. It also helps them understand how they can state boundaries and clearly communicate their needs to their parents and family members.
“Ask them what traditions they’d like to keep or what new ones they’d like to start.”
Stand Up and Enforce Your Boundaries:
When someone crosses a line, it’s important to address it calmly and immediately. For example, if the family continues to ask about divorce after you have stated this is not a topic for discussion, use a polite but direct statement like: “I understand you’re curious, but I’m not comfortable sharing those details right now.” If you’re visiting relatives known to push boundaries, plan ahead. Limit the visit to a shorter timeframe, such as meeting for coffee and dessert instead of a full-day family gathering. Choosing neutral locations like restaurants can also make it easier to leave when you need to, ensuring the interaction remains manageable and positive.
Use Your Trusted Network:
Having an ally during family gatherings can make a significant difference. Share your boundaries with someone you trust and ask for their help in redirecting conversations if needed: “If the divorce comes up, could you help shift the conversation? I’d appreciate it.” Knowing someone is there to support you can ease your mind and allow you to focus on enjoying the time with your family.
Remember, the holidays should bring peace, not pressure. Be intentional about your commitments and honor your needs by saying no to events that feel overwhelming. You might say, “I’m focusing on a quieter holiday this year. I’ll miss seeing everyone, but I appreciate your understanding.” This isn’t about isolating yourself—it’s about ensuring you have the emotional bandwidth to be present where it matters most. By choosing what feels right, you create space for joy and healing. While traditions and dynamics may shift, the holidays can still be meaningful and fulfilling.
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About the Author:
Mardi Winder-Adams is an Executive and Leadership Coach, Certified Divorce Transition Coach, and a Credentialed Distinguished Mediator in Texas. She has experienced her own divorce, moved to a new country and started her own business, and worked through the challenges of being a caregiver and managing the loss of a spouse.
Handling life transitions and pivots is her specialty! In her professional role as a divorce coach, Mardi has helped hundreds of women before, during, and after divorce to reduce the emotional and financial costs of the process. She is the founder of Positive Communication Systems, LLC.
