Parent Coach for Moms of Teens: Fern Weis
Parenting a 13-year-old can be incredibly challenging.
Question: Am I the only one who feels like giving up? I have a 13-year-old daughter, and it’s emotionally overwhelming; I am so done. Is this normal or am I a terrible person?
I feel like I can’t do anything right—everything is always my fault. I’m at my breaking point. Friends and family don’t understand (their kids aren’t teens yet), so I don’t share. But it’s exhausting and unbearable.
Answer: First, let me assure you: you’re not alone, and you’re not a bad parent. Many of us face moments like this. I’ve been through those turbulent years with one of my kids, so I understand. Here’s some perspective on teens and their intense emotions:
5 Perspectives On Parenting A 13-Year-Old:
1. Parenting Is About Us, Not Just Our Kids:
Parenting is more about who we are than who our kids are. As much as we want to, we can’t control them (as you’ve likely discovered). What we can do is guide, support, and model the behaviors we hope to see in them. It starts with us managing our emotions and showing them how to handle challenges.
“Parenting is more about who we are than who our kids are.”
2. Their Hurtful Words Are About Them, Not You:
When teens lash out with rude, belittling words, it’s often driven by their own frustration, sadness, anger, or insecurity. They push us away because they feel vulnerable, and it usually works. Their resistance to sharing their feelings stems from fear—it’s scary to be vulnerable, even with someone who loves them.
Your job is to stop taking their words personally (easier said than done, I know). But when you let their words eat away at you, it erodes your confidence and peace.
3. Teens Distrust Parents to Simply Listen:
One of the biggest barriers is that teens don’t trust their parents to just listen. And let’s be honest—it’s not entirely unfounded. How often do we jump in to fix, judge, analyze, or offer advice before they’ve even finished talking? Teens, like us, want to feel heard without judgment or a lecture.
The key: Practice active listening. Put aside your urge to correct or solve. You don’t have to agree with them, but you do want them to feel safe to share with you.
“Practice active listening. Put aside your urge to correct or solve.”
4. Setting Boundaries Without Shutting Down Connection:
Listening and understanding their emotions doesn’t mean you accept disrespect or poor behavior. It’s essential to set clear boundaries that protect your emotional health and teach them accountability. The key is to communicate your boundaries calmly and consistently, and above all to carry them out.
Knowing that their outbursts aren’t truly about you can help you move past the emotional sting faster. With practice, you can strike the balance between being empathetic and holding them accountable.
We’ll dive deeper into effective boundary-setting strategies next time. You’re doing the work, and that’s what matters most.
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About the Author:
Fern Weis is a Parent Empowerment Coach for Moms of Teens and a Family Recovery Coach. She’s also a wife, former middle school teacher, and the parent of two adult children who taught her more about herself than she ever could have imagined. Â
Fern partners with moms of teens and young adults, privately and in groups. She helps them grow their confidence to build strong relationships and emotionally healthier kids who become successful adults. She knows first-hand that when parents do the work, the possibilities for change are limitless; that it’s never too late to start; and you don’t have to do it alone. Learn more about Fern at www.fernweis.com. Schedule your complimentary Parent Support Call at https://calendly.com/talktofern/discovery-call.
If you’re ready to stop collecting parenting information and move to action and implementation, the Moms’ Circle is your next best step. For information on this small group coaching program, contact Fern.
